Well, it might be the heat ("...and it's a balmy 102F/39C here on this November afternoon in Melbourne...") or lack of sleep, but you're going to have to indulge me here.
I'm going to throw a very girly tanty.
tanty /TAN-tee/ n. outburst of bad temper or petulance.
You know how it is. You always run out of everything at the same, most inconvenient, time. Like paper towels, tissues and toilet paper. Meaning you end up wiping your bum or your nose or the mess you spilled on the kitchen floor with newspaper or pages torn from the phone book or the dog.
For me, makeup is like that. My makeup kit will be chugging along happily for months and then suddenly it's Jonestown and all I've got between me and barefaced horror is a dried up mascara brush and lip pencil shavings.
Sure enough, this week, no matter how far I shoved my pinky into the moisturiser bottle, I was shit out of luck. I was out of everything. So, I checked the bank account, took a deep breath, and went shopping.
I should point out here that I have very finicky skin. Stick the wrong product on it and suddenly my skin erupts into something that special effects guys would be pointing at proudly and winning awards for. It's taken me many years to find the right products for my skin and I am fiercely loyal to them. I don't want to try new things simply because I don't want to have to wear a paper bag if it all goes horribly wrong.
Not only that, I have highly acidic skin. It can change the colour of make up and the scent of perfume. One poor, unsuspecting Revlon saleswoman did a make over on me and painted my lips with what she considered the 'perfect' burgundy. She turned away for a moment to do something, turned back and, with very big eyes, said, "I've never seen lipstick do THAT before…"
Don't even get me started on fragrances. Most of them give me a throbbing headache and after 10 minutes they will smell like flyspray on me anyway.
So I dragged myself down to the department store. I was approached by one of those white lab coated creatures with unnaturally high cheek bones and a superior attitude. She asked if I was looking for something. Rather than the obvious, "No shit, sherlock, I'm here for the ambiance", I told her I was looking for Poppy lipsticks.
I've been wearing Poppy since they first came out. I loved that stayed on for hours and they didn't smell funny. I loved that they were named after things like each of the seven deadly sins. I left a lot of Lust and Sheer Lust on glass rims in my time. I graduated to colours like Indolence, Fantasy and Inspiration. And the empty tube of Fantasy was all I had left.
There was a pause. A sneer. "Oh, didn't you KNOW? They've been sold to Estee Lauder. They no longer make it."
I stared at her over-made up face and hoped it would melt under hot lights a la 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'.
So I tried asking for the Prescriptives counter. She waved me over to it and I asked for my favourite eye shadow. Apparently my favourite eye shadow is EVERYONE'S favourite eye shadow and the only one they had left was on hold for Zoe who would pick it up tomorrow. I considered asking them to tell Zoe Who Would Pick It Up Tomorrow that she can go to Hell because Tree Who Can Pick It Up Today And Pay Cash was here, but instead I asked if they could get some in for me.
There was an awkward pause.
Apparently Australia is too much of a piddly little market for something like Prescriptives and so they would be closing their operations as of January.
Ladies, it's bad enough when they stop making your favourite colour... but to have entire brands disappear?
It was a conspiracy.
So I started trudging around, smearing lipsticks and eye shadows on my hand to find the perfect colour, one that wasn't glittery or glossy and didn't change on me.
I think I may have found some replacements. I'm trying Benefit's It's So You, Posh, Dear John and It's Not You, It's Me.
Wish me luck.
Or at least sufficient paper bags to cover up the damage.
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