If I ruled the world there would be more of those.

I'd just like to thank the kind soul who graciously decided to share their holiday lurgi with Ghost, treating him to nearly a week of lung infections, fever and the sort of hacking cough you get after smoking ten packs a day from about the age of three and a half.

I'd also like to thank my darling husband who, demonstrating unparalleled generosity, has donated his lurgi to me, causing me to manufacture mucus in quantities inexplicable to science. My voice is veering from non-existant to drag queen-esque and the back of my throat feels like it's coated in broken glass.

To that generous stranger, may the holiday season bring you light, laughter and facially deforming acne, you complete and utter bastard.

Administrivia: If you've linked to any pages on this site other than the home page, chances are the link is now broken. I've been doing some housekeeping and converted the site to .php from .html. If you're looking for a particular page, the link is the same, just change the extension from .html to .php.

Ahhh, Christmas. The time of the year where the only thing that keeps you from wrapping your hands around the throat of your fellow man and choking the life out him is the idea that you might get caught.

Can you tell I've just been Christmas shopping?

Sweet merciful crap. We do this shit voluntarily?! For pleasure?!

My first stop yesterday was to the Blood Bank. They always need donors, particularly around Christmas time. So in I went, along with every other person in Melbourne and their completely obnoxious children.

Yes Lady, they give you free food after YOU have donated at the Blood Bank. However, I did not see your child donate a drop. So while sending her up to the counter to get a snack was cute the first time, letting her go back repeatedly and order everything on the fucking menu was greedy and unecessary and will lead to her becoming a complete heifer. The Red Cross is a fucking charity, bitch, not your personal chef! You are a moron and should not be allowed to breed ever again.

Ahem. Sorry about that. So I did my bit, only wanting to kill my nurse the once after she thought that maybe she'd fucked up getting the needle into my vein properly and went to adjust it. After I indicated just what I thought about 'adjustments' through gritted teeth, she felt it best to leave it just where it was. (I wasn't joking about installing the tap in my elbow, I have difficult veins. The sort of veins that most nurses blanch at. I'll either get the tap installed or get my own personal phlebotomist.)

Then I was off shopping (yes, completely ignoring the warning about no heavy lifting after donating).

I'm thinking I need to take up civic planning. So that I can install two lane footpaths in the city. One lane will be the "I'm just fart-arsing about and have no idea where I'm going, hee, hee, hee!" lane, the other will be the "Get the fuck out of my way loser, I'm going THIS WAY and I'm going there NOW!" lane.

Oh my deity of choice... The people just shuffling, wandering and generally getting in the way, completely oblivious to the huge queue of people behind them who just wanted to get to where they were going...

All I wanted was a gigantic whipper snipper/weed whacker that could allow me to scythe through the crowds and get to my well-planned destinations.

Add to this several heavy shopping bags, including one filled with recalcitrant rolls of wrapping paper and ridiculously high humidity interspersed with rain and steaming sun, and it was a recipe for homicide, your honour.

Goodwill to all? Shit, restraining myself from killing people is the best I can offer you right now. Will that do?

* Seriously, we talk like this to each other. All the time. It's hysterical. And all in fun. Just ask my brother, he nearly burst his spleen laughing at the pair of us last night.