A couple of additions to my previous blog, based on the (very enthusiastic--thank you!) feedback I received.

Part III: Language & Customs

I hope someone pointed out to Kallikrates that the utes we drive in Australia have no relationship at all with the Ute Indians. It's actually an abbreviation of the word 'utility'. Allegedly utes were invented in Australia by a guy who wanted something he could throw a bale of hay in the back of during the week and then drive to church on Sundays. Like you do.

Milesawaygirl noted the similarity between how Australians and Scousers speak. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that we were a British penal settlement (no Zoo, that's not what penal means, you naughty, naughty girl. Don't make me spank your fanny!) So we use a lot of Cockney rhyming slang and other peculiar quirks of English slang. Hope that clears it up, china plate. Now I'm off down the frog and toad to the rub a dub dub.

I am deeply afraid for fixingherhair. If everything she learned about Australia came from 'Priscilla, Queen of the Dessert', then she probably thinks we're all screaming queens with a hankering for ice cream sundaes and chocolate mud cake. (I reserve the right to mock spelling mistakes as well.) As for Fruity Pebbles, I have tried them, thank you very much, and the doctor predicts that the sugar buzz will leave my system in approximately 2005.

Part IV: Flora & Fauna

Thanks to VeryModern and Mosta (whose link I have lost) for reminding me that dingoes have bad PR people.

They have a reputation for being savage, having killed several small children. What people fail to realise is that most dingoes are afraid of humans. In locations where idiot humans have fed the dingoes, they have become less afraid of us and aggressive when they are not fed. Of course, they target the easiest prey, small children.

Like so many other things, dingoes cop a bad rap when, really, it's our own stupid fault. I've been to places where other animals such as emus (remember, eem-you, not eemoo!) will also attack people if they are not fed, so it's not just the dingoes. It's the stupid humans.

The next time you see a wild animal and think, "Awww! Isn't it cute! I'll give it some of my lunch!", I hope it eats you instead.

Part VI: Naming Conventions

Thank you to the divine deevaa for pointing out that almost nobody in Australia uses his or her actual name. Sometime in their lives, most Australians will be christened with the most unlikely moniker you can imagine.

If you are overweight, you'll be called Slim. If you're short, you'll be called Stretch. If you are a redhead, you'll be called Bluey. (I have a hypothesis that that last one relates to redheads having fierce tempers, because a fight is sometimes called a 'blue' over here. As in, "The wife and I had a bit of a blue about leaving the toilet seat up. I wish she'd stop doing that." But that could be complete crap.)

Similar to the 'ie' phenomenonie, if your name can be abbreviated and have an 'o' or an 'a' stuck on the end, it will be. For example:
Gibson: Gibbo
Robert: Robbo
James: Jimbo
Sharon: Shazza
Barry: Bazza
Warren: Wozza
(These are all pronounced with the same enthusiasm as "WHAZZZUP!" from the Budweiser commercials.)

I have no idea why this happens, but then any country that can get 'Chuck' from Charles hasn't got much to crow about, either.

Some names are changed more randomly. For example, Kylie will become Kyles (unless you are Kylie Minogue in which case you are 'Our Kyles'), Greg 'Greggles' and Claire 'Claire Bear'. I myself have been known over time as Tree-cle, Tree-bone, Tree-bum, Tree-tree and Tree-zle for no possible reason that I can fathom.

Many Australians have bizarre nicknames that have mutated over time, originally resulting from equally bizarre incidents. So if someone's nickname bears no resemblance to his or her christened name, ask for the story behind it. It will probably involve nudity and alcohol. All the best things do.

A couple of last final tips for not sounding like a complete knob when travelling in Australia. If you must refer to us as Aussies, then it is pronounced 'Ozzie'. The double 's' is pronounced hard, not soft as in 'kiss'. Pronouncing it soft will usually result in you being called a 'bloody tank'. 'Tank' is an abbreviation of 'septic tank', which is Cockney rhyming slang for 'Yank'. This is an insult.

Nobody in Australia actually drinks Fosters Lager. It's a running joke to see if we can convince other nations around the world to drink cat piss in a can. It's working and we're still laughing at you all.

If you need the toilet, please ask for it. In Australia, the toilet is usually separate from the bathroom. If you ask for the bathroom, you will be directed to a room with a bath in it. We would appreciate it if you could refrain from peeing or crapping in our bathtubs in the event of a misunderstanding. I think I speak on behalf of all Australians called 'John' in this matter, also.

I hope this has been enlightening. I'll probably be a bit quiet for the next week or so while I entertain my foreign visitor, but any other questions will happily be mocked when I have the time.