Sheesh, I blog about humiliation or sex and I get mucho props. Tough audience. Well, if that's what you like, then that's what you'll have.

But before we do, for those of you having difficulty keeping up, so far I've lost 3kg (about 6.6lbs).

OK, so where were we? Oh yeah, sex... Perhaps I'm missing the point, I'm not entirely sure. What worries me is that if the following is what bakes the noodle of a large proportion of the male population, then I think I'll become a lesbian.

As I mentioned in my last blog, I spent some time at Sexpo last weekend. At some point in proceedings, an announcement was made that some porn-starlet was going to 'perform' onstage. We wandered over to the stage to check her out.

She wandered out in a sparkly bustier, skirt that was split right up to there and gobsmackingly high heels.

Heels that she couldn't walk in.

She was neither graceful nor sexy. She clomped up and down the stage with a desultory wiggle of her tits (I won't call it a shimmy, shimmies take some skill) every so often. When she found that the audience did not appreciate her clomping, she turned to us and urged us to clap.

At no point did she ask herself, "What am I doing wrong that the audience doesn't like this?" Not this little blonde. She just kept clomping, stumbling and wiggling.

When she got bored with that, she decided to hoist up her skirt and whip off her g-string.

What?

You mean that's it?

What happened to the tease? What happened to a little bit of performance, taunting the audience, making them beg for it?

Nope, she clomped around the stage, crouched down, spread her knees and showed us what she had for lunch.

We hadn't even seen her tits yet.

She was keeping nothing for the finale.

I've seen sexier lichen than this woman.

The audience still wasn't behind her so she pulled some poor slob out of the crowd and proceeded to humiliate him. Sure, it got a laugh, but we were laughing at them, not with them. His reward? She took a copy of her latest appearance in a skin mag, opened it to the centrefold, sat on it and dragged herself around the stage like a dog with worms.

Nice.

But she still had one more party trick to share with us. She got her victim to undo her bustier with his teeth and then yanked on her tits for a bit to show that her nipples stood out so far, she could hang items of clothing off them.

Great.

Marvellous.

She was a walking clothes rack with built-in gyno exam and a dose of threadworm.

Boys, does that REALLY do it for you? Or am I missing the point?

Now I don't pretend to be any sort of expert at stripping, but I know how to dance to turn on a crowd. After I've performed, gay men have told me that I'm damned sexy. Women in the audience have grabbed me and begged me to teach them how to dance like I do. I had a close friend ask me if the ‘climax' of my routine was real, because she thought I was having an orgasm onstage. I can control the way an audience breathes. I can take them up and I can bring them back down again.

And I can do it all with my clothes on.