"Yes, I can see the blue balls and they are moving."

Not a phrase I ever anticipated using in any situation, let alone at work. But such are the wonders of the world of usability.

The last job goes a long way to explaining my lengthy absence. Deepest apologies all, but when I'm pulling 15 hour days, working weekends and dealing with a large bureaucracy that specialises in cluster fucks, then the blog is not top on my list of things to do. It's unfortunately down the bottom somewhere just beneath sleep, sleep and more sleeeeeeeeeeeep.

However, in between the farcical lack of organisation and utter frustration, I got to watch actors pretending to be pass phony credit cards and being rugby tackled by police and to shout "Bail out, bail out!" in a very proper, ‘jolly good show chaps' British RAF accent every time the software shat itself. I'd tell you more but the confidentiality agreement I signed is sitting in my filing cabinet making what sounds suspiciously like growling noises and scratching at the inside of its manila folder. I think it wants to hurt me.

In other news, I'm apparently a sea beast. Go on, say it to yourself. Seeeeeeea beeeeeeeast. Isn't it satisfyingly full of 'e's? How on earth did I become a sea beast? Well, I suspect sleep deprivation has a lot to do with it, or at least a lot to do with the amount of amusement I get from saying 'sea beast'. Apparently, when I kiss my still-sleepy boy goodbye in the morning, my cold, wet hair lands on his face, prompting him to think he's being kissed by a sea beast. Of course, you're talking about the same person who sleepily warns me to watch out for the flying monkeys just before I leave for work, so I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions.

So other than sea beasts, flying monkeys and cluster fucks, my life has been a veritable whirlwind of tedium, accounting and note-taking. However, I have learned some very important lessons.

Never quote low on a first job because you can always negotiate down but you can never negotiate up.

Don't do shit work just because the person you're working for may be a useful contact in the future. The work is still shit and they'll always view you as perfect for any further shit work they have.

Some people don't appreciate the effort you make, no matter how much you put into it. Do it for your own pride and work ethic, not for them.

Six AM is an unholy, cow-milking hour of the day and no reasonable human being schedules a project meeting at that time, especially in the dead of winter.

Make sure every hellish project has a week or so at the end dedicated to sitting on the couch in your jammies drinking hot cocoa and watching bad day-time television.

Guess which part of the project just kicked in?