I'm not the woman he married.
Right now, I don't know where she is.
Somewhere, in amongst the retrenchments at work, the stress of waiting for his visa, the soul-sucking client I'm working with and the financial difficulties we are currently in, I lost her.
I don't like the woman I am right now.
I'm angry and frustrated at things out of my control.
I'm losing my grip on the things I can control. I've lost touch with the woman I was.
I miss her.
I know he does too.
I also know that he will stand by me while I find her. Find her playfulness, her confidence.
I need to find that.
I need to identify and accept what I cannot change and take charge of what I can, or I won't find peace. And I won't find her.
I won't find myself.
Please excuse this break in transmission. We will return you to your regularly scheduled programming as soon as possible.
hang in there. she's swimming back to you, through that whole mire of shiteystuff right now :)
love to you, Tree..
Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry that it's hard, now. One of the lessons I'm learning is exactly what you're talking about... to accept the lessons of the Dark Goddess--to accept the hard things, the winter season as *part* of the natural wheel of good. And to find the things I *can* choose about, and make as much good from them as I can.
I know it's scary in the beginning of all these HUGE changes in your life right now--so different, but similar to mine--but you *know* (I know you know) you can TRUST what the two of you have built. The foundation will withstand the Big Bad Wolf. And then spring will come again... with Jacaranda trees blooming and BBQ's and margaritas (of course!) and twitterpatedness.
Hold on. Let go. Laugh when you can. Scream "FUCK THE BASTARDS!" when you have to. Cuddle and cry when you need to.
You both have my heartfelt love and support.
these things happen. i've lost myself several times...
Know what it's like to feel overloaded and buried among the crap that life is dealing. And to think, hang on, aren't I missing something here? Have to hold on tight and ride it out, I think.
She *will* be back, you know.
she's there... look harder!
I've been here.
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Good luck, honey. You'll find her. No worries.