WARNING: the following blog does not suffer fools gladly.

Well, the Darwin awards are off to a flying start in Australia this year.

What is it about idiot tourists coming to our fair shores? It's not like we don't have enough of them locally.

Last week, some fool bogged his 4-wheel drive vehicle in sand on the Canning Stock Route. This would not seem terribly remarkable at first. Let me illuminate.

The Canning Stock Route is a three to four week drive through some pretty forbidding desert. It's described as one of the toughest and most remote trips in the world. It can reache 50C (122F) during the day.

As with any sort of journey like this, travellers are recommended to log departure and anticipated arrival times so that the authorities can be notified if you don't turn up. Then they can send out rescue teams in case you are in trouble. They also recommend you carry at least 100 litres of water as a minimum.

Let me emphasise the 'tough' and 'remote' parts. How long the journey takes. The sort of supplies you need to take and plans you need to make.

If you get this stuff wrong, you will die in the desert.

Our first joker thought he would attempt it in three days with a litre of water, a packet of biscuits (cookies) and 10 litres of beer. He hadn't told anyone and the only reason he isn't on his way to becoming a desiccated corpse right now is the sheer good fortune of getting stuck in sand and having another--better prepared--group of travellers drive past and find him.

But if that wasn't stupid enough, this bonehead broke the cardinal rule of getting lost in the desert in Australia.

Do Not Leave Your Car.

It's pretty simple. Think about it. What is easier to spot from a rescue helicopter? Your stationary car or your idiot self wandering about like a moron in the desert?

Many people have been discovered dead here having left their car and wandered, delirious, into the desert. The car gets found fairly quickly. The body? Depends on how far you manage to get away from the car before dehydration kills you. Because it will kill you before you find any form of civilisation.

But I digress.

Our next idiot should rank in the top three for the Darwin awards.

Now you have all seen (or at least have heard of) The Crocodile Hunter. You've seen pictures of Australian crocodiles. They are fierce. They are nasty. And they are BIG.

Never smile at a crocodile, indeed.

My nomination for this round of awards was holidaying in the northern part of Australia. This is the equivalent to the southern part of the US. Kinda steamy and tropical and jungly. And absolutely crawling with crocodiles. There are more crocodiles than people up there.

There are signs all over the place warning you in English and in fairly graphic illustrations NOT TO SWIM IN THE RIVERS OR WATERHOLES.

Note my use of capitals here.

I really mean it. You just don't. Because any body of water bigger than a kiddie swimming pool is going to have a honking great crocodile in it.

Just because you can't see the crocodile, doesn't mean he's not there. He is. He's hiding. And he's very good at hiding. He's been practicing since prehistoric times. He's really very good at hiding.

He doesn't want you to see him because he thinks you are lunch.

So what does this idiot tourist do? She completely ignores the signs telling her not to swim in a nearby waterhole. She becomes a midnight snack for a 4.6 metre (15 foot) crocodile.

She is (was?) an idiot.

There are reports that a tour operator may have said that it was safe to swim there. Now, maybe it's just me, but if I'm faced with an official sign telling me in English and fairly graphic illustrations that even getting close to the water's edge is going to get me eaten by a gigantic, prehistoric reptile, I'm not going to believe the words of some tour guide. This is one of the key differences between that tourist and me. That and I am alive as opposed to being dragged underwater, rolled until I drowned and stored under a log until I was nice and squishy and full of croco-snacky goodness.

To make matters worse, because he did what any self-respecting crocodile would do when tasty food starts frolicking in front of you, he was shot so they could recover her body. How is that fair?

Remember, people, just because you are on holidays, it doesn't mean you can leave your brain at home.