"I KEEEEELL you!"

"Fuck off and die!"

"You arse monkey!"

"Don't sass talk me, woman!"

Yep, just another charming evening with Tree and Ghost!*

Ahhh, Christmas. The time of the year where the only thing that keeps you from wrapping your hands around the throat of your fellow man and choking the life out him is the idea that you might get caught.

Can you tell I've just been Christmas shopping?

Sweet merciful crap. We do this shit voluntarily?! For pleasure?!

My first stop yesterday was to the Blood Bank. They always need donors, particularly around Christmas time. So in I went, along with every other person in Melbourne and their completely obnoxious children.

Yes Lady, they give you free food after YOU have donated at the Blood Bank. However, I did not see your child donate a drop. So while sending her up to the counter to get a snack was cute the first time, letting her go back repeatedly and order everything on the fucking menu was greedy and unecessary and will lead to her becoming a complete heifer. The Red Cross is a fucking charity, bitch, not your personal chef! You are a moron and should not be allowed to breed ever again.

Ahem. Sorry about that. So I did my bit, only wanting to kill my nurse the once after she thought that maybe she'd fucked up getting the needle into my vein properly and went to adjust it. After I indicated just what I thought about 'adjustments' through gritted teeth, she felt it best to leave it just where it was. (I wasn't joking about installing the tap in my elbow, I have difficult veins. The sort of veins that most nurses blanch at. I'll either get the tap installed or get my own personal phlebotomist.)

Then I was off shopping (yes, completely ignoring the warning about no heavy lifting after donating).

I'm thinking I need to take up civic planning. So that I can install two lane footpaths in the city. One lane will be the "I'm just fart-arsing about and have no idea where I'm going, hee, hee, hee!" lane, the other will be the "Get the fuck out of my way loser, I'm going THIS WAY and I'm going there NOW!" lane.

Oh my deity of choice... The people just shuffling, wandering and generally getting in the way, completely oblivious to the huge queue of people behind them who just wanted to get to where they were going...

All I wanted was a gigantic whipper snipper/weed whacker that could allow me to scythe through the crowds and get to my well-planned destinations.

Add to this several heavy shopping bags, including one filled with recalcitrant rolls of wrapping paper and ridiculously high humidity interspersed with rain and steaming sun, and it was a recipe for homicide, your honour.

Goodwill to all? Shit, restraining myself from killing people is the best I can offer you right now. Will that do?

* Seriously, we talk like this to each other. All the time. It's hysterical. And all in fun. Just ask my brother, he nearly burst his spleen laughing at the pair of us last night.