"Tree. I bet you're tall and willowy, right?"

I wish.

First things first.

- No, my parents were not hippies.
- Neither am I.
- Yes, it's 'Tree' like in plant.
- No, it's not just an internet handle.
- No, I'm not tall and willowy.

How does a girl end up being called Tree then? I'm glad you asked.

Way back in the dim dark ages, my parents were duking it out over what to name me. It took them months to agree on something. Dad wanted to call me Jean, after his sister. No offence UberJeanie, but I'm not a Jean. On the other hand, mum wanted to call me...

...sorry, this takes me a moment to admit...

Oh gods, she wanted to call me Edwina.

Kill me now.

Eddie. Winnie. The opportunities for humiliation were endless.

Fortunately, she was convinced to give me the one name they could both agree on. It was the name of a friend of hers. Mum liked it because it looked pretty and she didn't think anyone could shorten it (an Australian characteristic that really annoys her. She later found out that there are ways to abbreviate the name. And if anyone calls me by those names, I hurt them. Badly.)

What she didn't realise is that nobody can spell the variation she chose and very few people know how to pronounce it.

It became the bane of my existence.

It's not an uncommon name. In fact, most people have known somebody with this name. It's just that it has about half a dozen variations (that I know of) and everyone with this name is EXTREMELY particular about the spelling and the pronunciation. Whenever I meet someone with the same name, we compare notes. We smile and nod understandingly when there is agreement.

I have stood in front of people and carefully and slowly spelled out my name for them. And watched them spell it however the hell they like. I've seen it with astonishing vowel combinations and silent letters that not even I had thought existed. I've seen every variation on this name bar 'Luxury Yacht'.

Not even my favourite author could spell it correctly. When I met him for the first time at a signing, he made two attempts before I insisted on Tree.

My friends in school became fed up with trying to spell my name right. Or pronounce it correctly. So, they decided to call me Tree. Short, sharp, easy to spell and everyone can pronounce it. And nobody EVER forgets my name at parties.

After mum's second divorce and subsequent name change, my friends began to refer to her as Mrs Tree. It was just easier. My brother started calling me Tree. Mum started calling me Tree. My aunt, bless her little cotton socks, insisted on Treetree. There were variations--Tree-bone, Treecle--but always Tree.

I knew there was no going back when I was going to an old school friend's housewarming party and lost her address. I rang her mum to ask for her new address. Her mum knew me very well.

"Hi Mrs P, its XXX. I've lost Mel's address for the housewarming tonight. Could you give it to me please?"
"Who is this? I don't know a XXX."

Bear in mind that this woman's eldest child had just moved out of home, she wasn't going to give the address out to a complete stranger.

Comprehension dawned.

"Mrs P, it's TREE."
"OH! Tree! Well why didn't you say so?"

When I came online, I had to be Tree. Of course, I had to distinguish myself from all the other hippies on the web and it had to be a variation on Tree that I could live with. No tree382@hotmail.com for me! At the time, I was addicted to X-Files fanfiction. There had been an excellent story where Scully's character was referred to as Lady Miss Red.

Lady Miss Tree. Hmmm, that has a certain je ne sais qois. Hang on a gosh darned minute... It makes another word as well! I sound all mysterious and interesting!

The clincher was when I compared Tree to my birth name on the Kalabrian's Baby Name site:

Your first name of Tree has made you a friendly, approachable, and generous person. Generally you are good-natured, though at times you can be blunt and sarcastic. As you are naturally talkative, you find it easy to meet and make friends with many people. This name inclines you to be sympathetic and generous to those in difficult or unfortunate circumstances. You can be firm, positive, and independent in your own ideas and in reaching your own decisions, yet when it comes to taking action or following things through to completion, you often need encouragement. You respond quickly to kind words or any appreciation shown you. There are artistic, creative abilities in this name that you could express through music or singing, or, in a practical way, through sewing or interior decorating. You enjoy freedom from monotony and are stimulated by unexpected opportunities for meeting people, entertaining, or pursuing activities of a carefree nature. In your work, you find it difficult to be neat and orderly. You rarely plan things ahead of time, or follow a routine. Emotion and feeling, the desire to be carefree, friendly, and happy, are the driving forces in your being, rather than shrewdness, ambition, and material success. You could experience headaches, or problems with your teeth, ears, eyes, or sinuses. Health weaknesses relative to the functioning of the liver could appear.

I was destined to be Tree. Right down to the health problems.

Pity about the tall and willowy part, though.