Weigh in 88/194 (kg/lbs).

Oh yeah, baby. I AM good...

"So Tree, what did you do on the weekend?"
"Well, I bought several vibrators, a pair of oriental balls and a porno. What about you?"

Nothing like a girl's day out shopping.

Last week was Sexpo in Melbourne. It's an exhibition about sex, in all its shapes, sizes and flavours. Once a year, the sex industry hires out the gigantic Melbourne Exhibition Centre and, well... exhibits.

It is probably worth explaining that most of the sex shops around here tend to be the type with the painted-in windows, sticky carpet and dodgy-looking old blokes with raincoats on. Not the sorts of places a girl wants to go shopping. Sexpo was my opportunity to go shopping without caring about the creepy old guys in coats. With several thousand other people around me, I felt pretty comfortable, strangely enough.

The place was packed when we got there. We looked at the guide we were handed at the door and planned our attack. One of my friends had done her research, she'd visited an Australian online retailer and figured out exactly what she wanted. The rest of us just wanted to wander around and see what we could see.

There was the usual tacky lingerie with nothing in my size, which was disappointing. One stall was selling zodiac-coded vibrators. The Scorpio model looked like something out of the pages of a H.R. Geiger sketchbook and apparently Cancerians like a lot of texture. For $30 (US$15) we could get a zodiac vibrator, a ‘lady-finger' vibrator (if I ever get fingers that size, not even Weight Watchers will be able to help me), oriental balls and an R-rated (which translates as "We'll show you some naked bits, but you're not going to see any action.") video. Value-packed porn! And not only that, they even included the batteries and some lube.

We wandered around and goggled at dildos shaped like life-like arms with fists, vibrators that wriggled, twisted and gyrated and oils and lubes in every flavour under the sun (my personal favourite was the honey body dust). There was everything from brothel discount cards to remote-controlled latex feet. The Japanese seem to have picked up on the trend that Apple set. Pretty considerate, if you think about it. Now you can surf porn on your iMac and get yourself off with your matching vibrator.

You could dip the body part of your choice in latex and have a plaster cast of your bits made. Muscle-bound boys in hot pants and busty girls in bikinis wandered about stroking the backs of attendees' necks with vibrators or spanking them with crops. I was rather impressed with the vibrator holsters some of them had. We sampled Hot Sex (a creamy-gingery cocktail mixer) and Pearl Birds (external application only). There was even a booth where you could have your photo taken with two naked models posed in the position of your choice.

We ended up at a booth that sold beautiful corsets, leather outfits and boots. A red brocade corset had grabbed my eye, much to the amusement of a gentleman sitting on a throne within the booth. I tend to have a very expressive face and the combination of my wide-eyed excitement and a t-shirt that read "make me purr" had got his attention.

He very helpfully came over and began to demonstrate the benefits and features of each of the different styles of corsets. I use the word ‘demonstrate' advisedly. You see he demonstrated them by grabbing my breasts and hoisting them this way and that to show just how much cleavage I'd get with each style.

I bet he thought he had the best job in the place.

But seriously, the people there were very, very helpful. I could ask the sorts of questions that you never get to ask. People were proud of the industry they worked in and wanted the public to understand it better.

It was fun and it was all a bit of a laugh, really. And that is how sex should be.