06 February 2003
Well, when daddy and daddy love each other very much...

Look at my profile pic. I ask you, do I look like an expert in perverse sexual behaviour?

OK, scratch that. Stupid question.

But I am beginning to think that tattooed somewhere on my forehead is the phrase "Commit sexual perversion now! Ask me how!"

Let me explain.

Many moons ago, when the UK comedian Julian Clary was all over the TV, he toured his stage show around Australia. Mum and I had adored 'Sticky Moments', so we went to see him live.

Here's something you might want to remember for future reference. When someone starts making jokes about amyl nitrate and fisting in front of your mum, pretend you have no idea what they mean. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT roll about in your seat laughing because the inevitable will happen.

"Tree, what's amyl nitrate and fisting? What is he talking about?"

I kid you not.

I had to explain the fine art of fisting and how amyl nitrate fits into the equation to my mother. And then I had to deal with the expression on her face that plainly said to me, "But how on earth did you know that?" quickly followed by the expression that said, "Dear God above, don't tell me how you know that."

You can try to explain that you've read it in a book or you learn an awful lot living in the gaybourhood, but it's as effective as saying, "This won't hurt a bit, of course I'll respect you in the morning and the cheque is in the mail."

That situation was bad enough. It took many years of therapy for me to recover and Mum doesn't delve too deeply into my personal life any more.

I thought it was a one-off situation. I thought I was pretty safe.

Let me tell you about Greg.

Greg is one of my work colleagues. He's a good Catholic boy from a staunch Catholic background. He's married to a lovely Catholic girl and they have a lovely little Catholic son. He's an upstanding citizen in the community, a paragon, a really nice guy.

So he's giving me a lift home Wednesday night and we're chatting about this and that. All of a sudden, he mentions a car he saw recently with an odd phrase painted on the side. "[Name] loves felching."

You can see it coming, can't you? Like a freight train. You're pinned in its inexorable headlight. There is nothing you can do. You cannot escape.

I feel so dirty.

(Note: If you don't know what the above terms mean, I'm not telling you. Go google them like a normal person!)

ladymisstree • 09:24 AM

Well, that was very educational. (Googled, read the results very fast, exited quickly cos at work).

milesawaygirl told me at 11:49 AM on 06|02|03

people mostly faint when I mention I used to work at the AIDS foundation and taught kids how to put condoms on... "but you look like such a nice girl.."

deevaa told me at 02:52 PM on 06|02|03

Sometimes "I don't know" is a good answer ;)

Branna told me at 03:10 PM on 06|02|03

yeah but I wanna know do you like tube steak??! :D LOL

You know I had explain to my mom why plastic aprons on Ebay where going for hundreds of dollars. I had to tell her it was a baby fetish thing. I understand just how bad it SUCKS to have to tell your mom shit like that!

zoodom told me at 03:59 PM on 06|02|03

hell yes, you look like an sexpert! :D

VeryModern told me at 10:23 PM on 06|02|03

Wow, you actually made me feel naive and innocent! Zoodom, so did you. Kudos to you both!!

FatAndFeisty told me at 03:45 AM on 07|02|03

*blinks innocently* amyl nitrate??? fisting i can guess, but - felching??? plastic APRONS????
c'mon LMT, don't keep us innocent ones in the darkness, sounds like I'm really missing out on something here!!! :P

loopdeloup told me at 04:02 AM on 07|02|03

Learn something new everyday around here.....

Somehow, I don't think today's lesson was a good one!! *chuckles* Thanks, I think, for the enlightenment...

ravendrmwlkr told me at 09:43 AM on 07|02|03

hehe- my husband is rather naive about these things, and i often have to explain to him about perverse sexual toys that aren't exactly common in egypt (where he grew up). "hey babe, what's a butt plug?" but atleast i've never had to tell my mother what fisting was- although once i did have to tell my dad that my brothers beautiful friend "angie" used to be a man.

fixingherhair told me at 10:27 AM on 07|02|03

even my eyes need to wash their hands now!

kluless told me at 04:40 AM on 09|02|03

I just joined this e-prop whore ring.. so I thought id drop everyone in it a few e-props

Geespot told me at 05:07 AM on 09|02|03

Bwahahahahahaha!! For years, I didn't know what felching meant. Then I worked with this Scottish guy who would say, "Maure, say, 'I love felching on Sundays,'' and I'd say it, puzzled, and he'd laugh his ass off. For a year! he did this (Maure, do you like to felch? Yes, Tober, I do. Bwahahahaha!) until I finally got him to tell me what it meant.

Mmm-hmm. Very funny, indeed.

Maure told me at 06:12 AM on 10|02|03

hahahahaha!!! oh my...=O) i simply cannot imagine explaining fisting to my mother. not at all. yikes. =O)

goMetric told me at 04:53 AM on 11|02|03

Ewwww! That's just WRONG! HAH! :D I would REFUSE to explain that stuff to my mom.


[quick and drastic topic change - HA!]

...I do agree there needs to be a quick exit piece as you're leaving stage after dancing. But NOT a whole song after a really kick-ass drum solo-style dance... It drove me NUTS when women would do their BEST SONG first, or in the middle. The last song would drone on and on and on...

Sorry. Just MY TWO CENTS (and I don't think my two cents are worth anything in Australian currency) :D

FemmeDeLaCreme told me at 09:02 AM on 11|02|03

Aren't you the same Lady MissTree who sent me a dildo link?

JaNell told me at 05:29 AM on 13|02|03

Thank god I've only had to explain one somewhat embarrassing thing to my mother. ~shudders~

SpellFire told me at 01:34 PM on 13|02|03

Good lord. And all this time I've been looking for *anything* that would convince my Mum not to delve into my personal life anymore. Hmmm...

Hi, love. I'm back. Sorta.

Happy first V-day to you and your man!

Running_to_stand_still told me at 07:49 AM on 15|02|03

Amyl nitrate? Felching?

Just when you think you know it all... :P

CatInTheMist told me at 09:44 PM on 16|02|03

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