28 December 2004
:: Week 46 - The Bitch Is Back ::

I'm back in the saddle again. No weigh in this week, all the WW meetings in this area are closed for the holidays. I stood on my scales around weigh-in time yesterday afternoon and the news was not good.

It's also TTOM (guess what I got for Christmas...) and a fair chunk of the weight will be water. But the rest of it will be turkey, Christmas pudding, custard and all the other treats I inhaled over the past week.

But I'm back on track as of yesterday. I'm tracking my points again. I'm exercising daily again, and I'm boosting my walks to an hour a day, since I'm off work until the 4th. I'm making sure that I get all my water again. I'm eating the right mix of foods again.

The kitchen has been emptied of leftovers, treats and whatever other Christmas food was lurking around in there. Hell, I even threw out mince pies, which for me is a revelation. OK, so they weren't great mince pies, but still, it's a big step for me!

It's been hard. My body and mind have been partying hearty for a week and they don't really want to go back to healthy living again. I don't know when good eating and exercise becomes so habitual that you stop thinking about it, but I really hope it's soon. If that could kick around about the same time as the improved body image, I'll be a very happy rabbit.

But every time I think about falling off the wagon again, I just remember how miserable it was to be over 100kg and how far I've come. It seems to be working.

This last week of 2004 is my chance to make the first week of 2005 a great start to the rest of my journey.


ladymisstree | 12:22 PM | Take a bite (8)

20 December 2004
:: Week 45 - A Christmas Miracle ::

Behold, a great Christmas miracle has occurred (and it had nothing to do with virgin births or oil lasting for eight days).

And lo, did Tree go to her Weight Watchers meeting to stand on the scales and be judged. The gods of weight loss looked down upon her humble and overstuffed head and rendered their judgement.

She looked upon their judgement and saw it was good.

Be buggered if I know how I managed this because I got on my scales this morning and they told me that I'd put on a kilo (which is what they had told me earlier in the week too--bad Tree, wicked Tree, no biscuit). But when I got on the scales at the meeting today, I had LOST!

Only .1kg (.2lb), but still a completely unexpected loss. Stranger things do happen, indeed!

74.1kg (163.3lb) is a nice place to be just before the onslaught of Christmas. I have some room to move if I do put on weight over Christmas, and if I don't then I'll be starting the new year with less than 10kg to go to goal.

A very nice place indeed.

I can do this. I'm feeling good about this. 2005 is going to be my year, the year I reach goal.

I'm having a bit of a dilemma about one of my goal rewards, though. I promised myself lingerie when I reached goal and the moment I saw it, I promised myself this (click on the second and third images on the left).

Problem is, they've just been released in Australia. I'm worried that there won't be anything left when I finally hit goal (hopefully in April). Do I buy some of it now and hope that I shrink into it or do I wait and hope they have some left when I get there? Help! What should I do?


ladymisstree | 06:10 PM | Take a bite (13)

19 December 2004
:: A Christmas Carol ::

T'was the week before Christmas, and all through the place
Not a creature was stirring, not even Tree's stuffed face

The pizza boxes were stacked by the rubbish with care
(But she only had three pieces, just to be fair)

Thai takeaway, corn chips and other delights
Were how she and her boy had spent all their nights

Both of them, sadly, were sicker than dogs
Producing more mucus than a pond full of frogs

She'd also baked cookies, gooey and sweet
To give to her friends as a nice Christmas treat

(They had to be tried and they had to be tasted
In case they were bad and had to be wasted)

Good eating, well that just seemed not to matter
And she was not concerned about getting fatter

She could see the numbers rising up on the scale
(Yes, she weighed in mid-week, her willpower frail)

She put half of it down to mucus and pills
From all of the drugs that she took for her ills

She will weigh in tomorrow and accept her fate
And try to cut down on her food schlorking rate

She supposes weighing in will be a bit of a fright
But fuck it, it's Christmas and she's had a good night!


ladymisstree | 08:12 PM | Take a bite (7)

16 December 2004
:: Shrinky-dink! ::

Out came the tape measure for this month and the news is gooooood.

Another 16cm (6.2") peeled off various bits of me, never to be seen again.

Looking at some of the numbers can be a bit frightening, though.

I've worked a total of 25cm (9.8") off my belly and 20cm (7.8") off my hips.

My boobs and waist have both shrunk by nearly 16cm (6.2") each and each thigh has deflated by 11cm (4.3").

I had no idea there was that much to come off. And there is still more to go!

My current hip measurement is smaller than my starting bust measurement. Worse yet, my current under-bust measurement is getting close to my starting thigh measurement! My thighs used to be as big as my rib cage? Sweet skateboarding Christ!

I'm looking forward to the day I can wear a skirt without pantyhose and not have thigh chafe. I'm still a long way off that, my inner thighs are clinging to that flab like Titanic passengers to a life raft. I kinda thought that having lost this much, I'd be there already, but I guess I just have to forge ahead. Maybe that will be my reward when I get to goal... just in time for the weather to be so cold that I don't want to wear a skirt without tights!


ladymisstree | 02:27 PM | Take a bite (8)

13 December 2004
:: Week 44 - To my WW leader, with love ::

"But how do you thank someone,
who's taken you from crayons to perfume?"

Please excuse the cheesy lyric, but I had some good news and some bad news today.

The good news? 1.3kg (2.8lb) gone this week! Woo hoo! I'm guessing the gain last week must have been some sort of water retention spike or something like that. Not surprising considering all the booze and salty crap I ate.

The bad news?

I've ranted about WW leaders before.

I have one of the best around at my meeting. I've said before that I'm considering founding a major religion dedicated to Katherine and if you went to her meetings, you'd know why.

The bad news is that she won't be leading our meetings any more.

So I thought I'd dedicate this one to her.

Dear Katherine

First of all, congratulations! I know you've been working hard at this teaching gig and it's wonderful news that you have a full time job teaching. You've put in a lot of hard work and dedication and it's paid off, you deserve it.

Of course, the selfish part of me wishes you could have that AND the meetings. I've been to a lot of meetings in my time and you transformed them for me. You showed a passion and a professionalism and a dedication that I'd not seen before. It inspired me and taught me a very important lesson. Not just that WW can work, but that I could make it work for ME.

You showed me that I was worth the effort, that this was a lifestyle change I could incorporate into my life and that I'm now reaping the benefits of.

Most of all, you listen.

You don't judge, you don't make shit up and you're always honest. If you don't know the answer, you don't make something up to make yourself look good. You tell us that you don't know and then you go find out. And you come back the following week and share.

You don't look at me like I'm crazy when I ask you questions like, "When do I stop feeling like a fat chick?" You take everyone's questions seriously and you reassure, you inform and you don't let left-field questions throw you.

Your passion is evident in the way you stay informed about weight loss in general, not just weight loss from a WW perspective. You are always honest about the material and the products WW gives you and you teach us that WW is just a tool to help us get to where we want to be, it's not the be all and end all.

Your meetings are more than just the material regurgitated. They're thoughtful and enlightening, even when you are winging it. You bring enough personal experience and draw enough experience from the group to reveal new insights in every meeting.

You understand that this journey is not just about points and exercise, it's about living and creating a new way of life for yourself that involve changes in your head, not just your eating habits.

It's also little things like remembering people's names, keeping on top of how people are doing and making everyone, without exception, feel welcome and feel like they can do it.

You maintain a sense of humour, no matter what. I'm in awe of your people handling skills and how you manage to keep such a disparate group of people focused and inspired.

Could I have done it without you?

I seriously don't think so.

Sure, the WW plan works for people, but only once they have seen how to make it fit into their lifestyle. Too many leaders just spout the party line and expect you to hammer a square peg into a round hole. You revealed how to make it work for each and every one of us. Your passion for food showed me that I wasn't destined for a life of low-fat cheese and rabbit food. You showed me how to incorporate REAL food into my diet and still lose weight.

More importantly, you showed me that success wasn't always choosing the fruit platter for dessert. Success was doing the best you could as often as you could and accepting that while perfection was nice, we're only human. Success was living and living as well and as healthily as we can. Moderation in all things (including moderation - as Oscar Wilde once said).

Without that, and your forthrightness and honesty and humour, I would have given up on WW long ago.

Now you've not taken me from crayons to perfume, but you've taken me from over 100kg to under 75kg and still shrinking. You've taken me from a size 20 to a size 14. And you've taken me from thinking that I could never do this to not just thinking that I could, but actually doing it.

I wish you could be there to help me get to goal, but this is where I have to show you that you've taught me well.

Those kids you'll be teaching won't know how good they have it. If you demonstrate only a tenth of the passion and dedication you've shown to me in the classroom, you'll be transforming lives just like you've helped to transform mine.

It's been an absolute pleasure to attend your meetings and I'm going to miss you terribly. But, if you keep up the Port Melbourne meetings, when I get to goal, you can bet that I'll come swanning in there one Tuesday night to show you.

I owe you more than I can possibly express here.

Thank you.


ladymisstree | 07:32 PM | Take a bite (6)

10 December 2004
:: Validation: 1, Motivation: 0 ::

You know you've lost weight when the old guy manning the counter at your local milk bar/corner store says, "You look like you lost a few kilos."

Yeah, just a couple.

I'm beginning to think that my Christmas plan is really not a good one. Somewhere along the way, my brain has gone from "Maintain 75kg all through December" to "EATING FRENZY! MUST EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT!"

It's as if by giving myself some leeway, my brain has interpreted this as the ability to go completely freaking nuts about food. Give it an inch and it's eating the entire buffet.

Part of it is weird body perception too. You see, while rationally I know I have shrunk, my body has shrunk in proportion. So my thighs and bum are still proportionally enormous compared to the rest of me. Some days, I see my heavy, pale, fleshy thighs or butt and I feel like nothing has changed.

Of course it has. In February if you had told me I would own and wear a pair of cargo pants in a size 14, I would have had you committed.

It's just that my brain hasn't caught up with all the changes, no matter how much I gaze into the mirror or stroke my collar bone or hip bones. I get this idea that nothing has changed and that makes it OK to schlork down anything that doesn't get out of my way quick enough.

Thinking about it, I have been going at this for nearly 10 months. The shine has worn off and this whole stupid perception thing is preventing me from always seeing the benefits of what I'm doing. So of course I'm jack of the whole thing.

But I can't let myself be. This isn't a diet, it's a lifestyle change and it's clear that I don't have that embedded in my head yet. I have to get it into my head that I have lost a significant amount of weight and that if I want to preserve that loss and lose more, this psycho eating has to stop.

The minute boredom kicks in, I'm prowling the kitchen like a hungry lioness, not for one moment thinking of all the other strategies that WW has given me for moments like these.

Fortunately, I've been fending off many of these munchies with carrots and cherry tomatoes, but I need to do more work to stop my brain thinking that inhaling gargantuan quantities of food is a good idea.

What I need to do is sort out this perception thing. Even when I was at my biggest, I never felt that I was that big inside. Now that I am smaller, I feel like a fat chick. What gives? How do I straighten this out in my brain?


ladymisstree | 03:25 PM | Take a bite (9)

06 December 2004
:: Week 43 - She's a super freak, super freak ::

Well, not really. Just human like everyone else.

I mean, after my last binge plus a weekend where I attended four different social events all centred around drinking and eating (including two 16 point mugs of egg nog on Sunday...), if I had done anything OTHER than gain, I would clearly be a freak of gigantic proportions.

A gain of .5kg (1.1lb) is not too bad (I won the bet, Mina, but only for half the amount I expected!), but it's still not a great way to start the month of December.

I'm really going to have to watch what goes into my mouth the next few weeks. Had I known that I was going to schlork down THIRTY TWO POINTS in two mugs of egg nog, I think I would have stuck to my water.

Oh, who am I kidding, I would have just had half a mug. Maybe.

It was really good nog.

Fortunately, this week is quiet. So far I only have dinner out with a friend who is vegetarian, so if I play my cards right, I can have a scrummy dinner with barely any points in it.

I need to focus hard on my goal. To be 75kg (165.3lb) the first week of January. I know I can do it, I just have to remind myself every time I'm about to stick something in my face.

I have also come to an uncomfortable realisation.

I've mentioned a couple of times that in my previous WW attempts, I never counted sugary points. It all got too hard because I consumed so many of them. Usually in fermented or brewed liquid form.

This time, no drinkies with dinner, fewer nights out at the pub, no after dinner shots or pre dinner cocktails and I'm counting sugary points religiously. And I'm losing really well.

I was on the phone to a dear friend who moved to London a year ago. She was complaining that she had a hangover, the first she'd had since she left Australia. She said that she hadn't been drinking as much because she was a Billy-No-Mates and didn't have anyone to go out on the piss with.

Neither do I. And I'm losing weight.

I'm beginning to think that alcohol played a really big part in my weight gain. Not that I was an alcoholic or anything scary like that, but previously there would be Friday night pub o'clock at work (with nibblies), regular sessions at the local pub gossiping and hashing out issues (with nibblies--and I should point out that I really, REALLY miss the hashing out part) and other opportunities to imbibe.

Nowadays, I'd be lucky to have one drink a week.

I'm not missing it hugely, and I enjoy it very much when I do have a quiet one or two. But I'm thinking that a large part of what I gained this week was related to the amount of sugar I drank (there was an AWFUL lot of it).

Hmmmm, food for thought.

For those who've asked, I did indeed complete NaNoWriMo this year. The result isn't hideous, but it is currently unedited. If you want to have a look, or even a read, it's here. I've already had some lovely feedback about it from a total stranger, which is completely cool in a weird sort of way. So let me know what you think!


ladymisstree | 08:53 PM | Take a bite (4)

03 December 2004
:: Oh Dorito, the chips, the chips are callin'... ::

Ugh. So about that plan. The part with the sensible eating and the exercise.

Yeah, about that...

Last night was a complete, freaking disaster.

I was low. Really, really low. Subterranean low. Low beyond the reach of exercise, handfuls of St John's Wort and receiving a beautiful watercolour painting from a dear artist friend of mine after a lovely girly lunch.

I fought it all day. I tried to rationalise my way through it, that there was no reason to feel blue, no reason to feel so horrible.

And all I could think about was eating Doritos and Mint Slices.

It was like a cartoon in my head, little triangular bits of corn and cheese or little round chocolate biscuits dancing in my head, singing a siren's song of comfort. "Come and eat us! Come and eat us, Tree! We'll make you feel better! We'll make you feel goooood!"

Rationally, in my head, I knew eating that stuff would not make me feel good. It would fill my tummy, which would trigger that old, programmed-in sense of comfort, but it wouldn't last because logically I know it's not really making me feel better and it's not doing me any good health-wise.

My cravings laughed in the face of my logic and mocked my rationality.

I'm pretty sure it was hormonal. The timing is right.

I snacked on vegetables. I had a handful of sultanas and pine nuts to try and satisfy the sweet cravings and get some protein in me. I had dinner (delicious honey soy chicken skewers with stir fry Chinese vegetables and rice) to try and shut the cravings the hell up.

No dice.

So I let the cookies tell me what to do.

It doesn't help that we have a corner store across the road from us. So it's not even like I have to walk far to get this sort of junk. But across the street I went and bought a family pack of Doritos, a pack of Mint Slices and, just because they caught my eye as I prowled the store, a pack of Cherry Ripe Bites.

I didn't eat it all myself, my husband kindly helped, especially by eating most of the Mint Slices, but I still woofed down half a family pack of Doritos, four Mint Slices and all but four of the Cherry Ripe Bites.

Did it give me any comfort?

Hell no.

I just felt over-stuffed and sick afterwards.

I'm not going to beat myself up about this. Yes, it was a disasterous night of eating. But I learned an important lesson.

This stuff is NOT going to make me feel better, emotionally. It's going to make me feel ill. It's going to make me unhealthy. And it's going to make me unhappy.

I'm kind of glad I did it, just because I've not had a junk food binge like this since February, and I needed to learn the hard way that binge eating and eating junk just makes me feel sick now. The next time this happens, I can remember how upset my stomach was and how it hurt from being over-stuffed.

I'll remember and instead of eating, I'll call someone or run a bath or do something else to make myself feel cherished and special and better about whatever it is that's bringing me down.

It sounds so stupid saying this, but I didn't get to be over 100kg (221lb) by being smart about food. Doritos don't love me. Mint Slices don't care how I feel. Cherry Ripe Bites don't even have a shoulder for me to cry on.

Food will not help me. It will fuel me and that's it. I need to help myself and I need to let myself be vulnerable so that others can help me too.

All my life, it's been easier for food to be my friend than to be vulnerable in front of others. This is a hard habit to break. There are going to be stumbling blocks along the way. But I will learn and I will move on.

Still feeling blah this morning, but I've chatted to some friends and I'm about to do some pilates and take a walk. Today, I'm not going to let a cookie tell me what to do.


ladymisstree | 09:26 AM | Take a bite (8)