OK, I know there are people who read this blog who have said these very words to me (and it's been said to me a lot recently), so don't take it personally, but if ONE MORE PERSON says, "I can't believe you had 30kg to lose! You wore it so well!" (or words to that effect) then I'm going on a homicidal rampage.
I kid you not.
There will be death, people. Copious amounts of messy, slow death.
What are people thinking when they say this to me?
I know they mean well, but when I hear those words, my brain hears, "You looked fine, we could barely tell you were a fat sow, you didn't need to lose all that weight!" (Hey, I warned you that this blog was going to be irrational.)
Yes, I've spent many years dressing very carefully so that I didn't look as big as I was. But I was big. Really fucking big. Just because you didn't see it doesn't mean I wasn't big.
It is not flattering to be told that you wore 30kg of flab well. It does not make me feel better. I have come to terms with the fact that I was morbidly obese. I don't need others to try to make me feel better about that.
What it makes me feel is that losing all that weight was pointless. If I looked just fine topping the scales at 100.6kg, then why bother taking it off? (Remember, IRRATIONAL blog!) Did my fat suit me? Should I just keep prancing around in an obese body because I didn't look obese?
Seriously, I've come to terms with what I did to my body. I don't need you to try to make me feel OK about that. Been there, done that, threw out the t-shirt because it's too big for me now.
I understand that weight can be a very sensitive issue and people are worried that they will say the wrong thing. Tell me I look vibrant, fitter, disgustingly well, more muscular, fantastic, whatever. But when I tell you I've lost 30kg, believe me when I say that I needed to lose it.
And do NOT tell me I wore it well.
This is the second week in a row I was mentally preparing an entry to talk about a gain and the second week in a row when I've gotten on the scales and discovered that I didn't need to.
It's great that I've lost the weight, but my eating needs to be looked at a bit. Just a .1kg (.2lb) loss this week, but any loss is a good loss!
Got a new WW leader this week (thank the deities of choice!) and she asked us how much we'd lost. Of course, being the shy, retiring flower that I am, I volunteered (hell, I'd shout it from the rooftops if they'd let me!) She then asked me what advice I'd offer anyone just starting out.
Being put on the spot, I couldn't craft a proper answer, but here I can, so here it is. Now, bear in mind, this is what worked for me. Your mileage may vary. But there are a couple of old chestnuts in there, and they are old chestnuts for one reason. They do work.
So, here's what three attempts, 13 months and 30.1kg (66.3lb) have taught me.
Track your eating. Write down everything you eat. It's easy to say that you're eating well if you're not holding yourself accountable. Snacks slip in. Licks, bites and nibbles sneak in under the radar. Be honest with yourself. If you bite it, write it. Then, if things aren't going so well, you can look back, review what you've been eating and see if you need to modify it.
The water thing. They are not kidding. Start drinking your water. Now. Don't whine to me that you don't like it and it's too hard and you pee all the time. I didn't like it either when I started. I hated drinking water. And I'm still peeing like an over-excited two year old over a year later. But it has been crucial to my weight loss.
It's all about the exercise. My previous two attempts didn't really include any deliberate exercise and my success (or lack thereof) reflected that. It's taken me a while, but I seem to have found the right balance to get my metabolism sufficiently fired up that I usually lose a little weight even when my eating isn't on track. Find what fires your metabolism up and do it as often as you can realistically manage. Don't bitch about not having enough time, if you're serious enough about this, you'll find time. I get up half an hour early to make sure I manage my weights or pilates. You can do it too.
Food is not 'good' or 'bad'. It's just food. Don't put value judgements on what you put in your mouth. Sure, some foods will help you to lose weight more effectively and some foods won't. But they aren't 'good' or 'bad'. When you put value judgements on food, you automatically put them on yourself when you eat them. If Tim Tams are 'bad', then you will believe you are bad for eating them. You will feel guilty and blame yourself and waste a whole lot of energy beating yourself up for 'succumbing' to 'bad' food. It's just food. Get over it.
Above all else, and if you take nothing else from this entry other than this then it's worth it, don't beat yourself up if you fall off the wagon. It happens. Life happens. Habits do not die easily. We backslide, we slip up, we make mistakes. We are human.
Remember that and, when you do have a gigantic blow out, acknowledge it and MOVE ON. It does not mean you are a failure. It does not mean you should give up. It just means you're human. Congratulations. Now pick yourself up and take the next step. I've quoted it before, and I'm quoting it again, but Confucius said it best:
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
You are worth this. You are worth taking the time, making the effort and aiming for your goals. A lot of us don't value ourselves enough and until you do, you'll never dedicate yourself to this journey. I'm worth it. You're worth it. Believe it and you'll succeed.
Yes, finally, this site is up and running again. Deepest apologies for the black out, believe me, if there was a way to get back here earlier, I would have done it. I have missed being able to talk to you guys more than you can ever know.
If you're glad to have me back, then tell my boy, because it's all due to him. He's been slaving his fingers to the bone trying to figure out why MT has been giving us grief. But he put his planet-sized brain to the challenge and here I am.
And not before time too.
A couple of you who've spoken to me or emailed me know that things have been very difficult of late.
I've been overwhelmed, not just by work and life in general, but because I've gone into what is called 'processing' in therapy. I'm digging around in my past and trying to cope with what I'm digging up.
Now, before anyone gets super worried, it's just regular childhood trauma I'm digging up, nothing that anyone could go to jail over. But it's my trauma and it's shaped who I am for better or for worse and it's stuff that I thought I had dealt with.
Turns out, not so much.
I'm digging around at the root of my eating habits. And, in order to cope, I've been eating like an insane person.
Ghastly things are being ingested at a rate previously only observed in nature documentaries featuring starving scavengers. Exercise is being woefully neglected.
Right now, it's all I can do to get out of bed some days, let alone eat properly and get some exercise.
Now, I know that the endorphins from exercise will help kick this depression to the curb. My logical brain knows that. But the part of my brain that still thinks that pizza will make the pain go away also thinks that it's too hard to go for a walk.
Today was a good day. Today I did some weights and I walked. Today I ate a good breakfast, lunch and dinner. I also polished off half a box of Valentine's Day chocolates and half a bag of gummies, but that's pretty mild compared to the past week.
I doubled my dose of St John's Wort and liquid vitamin B. I threw in some Evening Primrose Oil because it's the week before my period. That with the exercise, helped me get through today.
Today was a good day.
I'll try for something similar tomorrow. Hopefully that makes tomorrow a good day too.
Another nice loss this week, .5kg (1.1lb), but certainly not one I deserved.
I've been periscope down this week, going through a couple of crises of faith at the moment.
I've written about one of them on my other blog. The other one? Well, I'll tell you about that here.
But before I do that, I'd just like to rant a little.
I know I've ranted about bad WW leaders before, but tonight's leader really took the cake. The fact that she said up front that she would not be continuing in the job was the only thing that stopped me from getting up during her session and telling her to just shut the fuck up.
Now is a really busy time at WW. All the new people with their shiny New Year's resolutions are coming in and we had over a dozen new members start today.
This woman... dear god, where do I begin? How about the part where she told them that they only needed to eat 14 points (out of around 18-22, depending on your starting weight) of nutritious food and the rest could be made up with 'treats'?
Now, I know what she was trying to say. What she was trying to convey was that you have to eat at least 14 points from the different food groups and you could make up the difference with more points from each group and every now and then let yourself have a treat.
But her presentation style, such as it is, doesn't let her complete one thought before she's off on another and the arrant nonsense she ended up spouting was pure pain.
Don't even get me started about her telling us how diet soft drink is good for you in summer because of the extra sodium in it.
I only understood parts of her presentation because I'm a veteran of WW. What the new members made of it, I have no idea. Needless to say, I will not be staying for meetings until the next leader starts, then I'll give them a go. This woman is a danger to the public and should not be allowed to lead WW meetings. Period.
End rant.
Now for the crisis of faith.
Well, perhaps not so much a crisis, but a little laxity. I didn't deserve to lose this week. Why? Because there was too much 'just one won't hurt' going on.
Now, you guys know me. I generally let myself have what I want. This works for me because I don't crave energy dense food every day. I generally treat myself once a week to something like take away or beer or ice cream or whatever and that doesn't hurt.
What does hurt is when you do it almost every day. And that's what I did last week. I went over my points almost every day last week. Not by a little. But by around 5 points. A quarter of my daily allowance.
I threw in extra long walks again to try and counter this, but that is a temporary measure. I have to stop this 'just one won't hurt' mentality, I can't be complacent about this. Yes, I have my metabolism at a level that is tolerating it at the moment, but it won't for very long.
I know I can have these things. I just can't have them this often.
It baffles me that even after 48 weeks of hard slog at this, I still don't instinctively know this. But clearly it's something I have to keep working on.
This week I have good motivators to keep me on track, though. I finally ditched the size 16 jeans for size 14. Snug, but not for long. And I never, EVER want to buy anything bigger again!
T'was the week before Christmas, and all through the place
Not a creature was stirring, not even Tree's stuffed face
The pizza boxes were stacked by the rubbish with care
(But she only had three pieces, just to be fair)
Thai takeaway, corn chips and other delights
Were how she and her boy had spent all their nights
Both of them, sadly, were sicker than dogs
Producing more mucus than a pond full of frogs
She'd also baked cookies, gooey and sweet
To give to her friends as a nice Christmas treat
(They had to be tried and they had to be tasted
In case they were bad and had to be wasted)
Good eating, well that just seemed not to matter
And she was not concerned about getting fatter
She could see the numbers rising up on the scale
(Yes, she weighed in mid-week, her willpower frail)
She put half of it down to mucus and pills
From all of the drugs that she took for her ills
She will weigh in tomorrow and accept her fate
And try to cut down on her food schlorking rate
She supposes weighing in will be a bit of a fright
But fuck it, it's Christmas and she's had a good night!
Wow, I didn't mean to get all drill sergeant on you there, guys. It was just something that I really responded to in Beckie's origninal post.
It's too draining to be reading blogs that contain all the things I complained about. This weight loss gig is bloody hard work and it's all I can do at the moment to be motivated for me. When someone else is positive, it's a piece of cake for me to support them. If they are going through a tough time, I have support to spare. But if someone is constantly complaining, entry after entry, and clearly not doing themselves any favours, then I just don't have the energy for them.
If you can't do it for yourself, then I can't do it for you. The key message was the last paragraph:
"Do us all a favour. Be kind to yourself. Get real about what you are doing and what you can achieve. Then go do it."
That I can get behind 100%.
But I have another agenda for this post. I wanted to share my day with you, because while people have described me as an inspiration to them, I just wanted to prove that I'm as human as the next person!
Let's just say that today was NOT a stellar day for good choices...
For the record, today was the day I went to the races.
It was pouring rain and cold, so my outfit wasn't ideal, but I was determined to wear it, even if it bloody snowed. I probably could have done with some fashionable gum boots (galoshes), especially since the marquee I was in had to be accessed by crossing the track (all churned up by hooves after three solid days of rain!), but I ponced around in my little floral sandals and somehow managed to NOT get muddy up to my knees.
The rain also didn't make my fake tan run, fortunately. I was one of the lucky ones, there were a lot of streaky ladies out there today!
For the record, I looked FABULOUS!
More importantly, I had made a deal with myself earlier in the week. I've been making really good food choices and keeping up my exercise each day, so I was going to let myself eat as I pleased today. It wasn't as much of a binge as it could have been (I managed to not go back for seconds of anything), but my stomach feels like a little distended bowling ball at the moment.
There was quiche and pasta salad, roast meat, ham, regular salad and all sorts of delicious things to eat for lunch. That was pretty good and it was easy to make smart choices with good portion sizes.
Then the desserts arrived. Individual lemon tarts with clotted cream. Chocolate truffles with fresh raspberries. A cheese platter. So I just had to have a one of everything.
Then, just in case we hadn't stuffed ourselves sufficiently, they wandered around the marquee with slices of pizza, party pies (little pies with lids filled with mince meat and gravy) and sausage rolls (sausage meat rolled up in puff pastry). Each and every one of them completely delicious.
Of course, accompanying all that was an open bar and they were serving a very nice champagne, so who was I to say no? Four or five times?
Then, once the excitement was all over, I tottered into the city (I'm really not good in heels, especially after four or five glasses of champagne) to meet my husband for dinner.
While I really didn't need to eat anything more, we split a bowl of fries, I had a beef and calamari stir fry (a pretty good choice if I hadn't eaten everything else beforehand) and topped it all off with a vodka, peach schnapps and champagne cocktail.
Then I had a Cherry Ripe ice cream for dessert when we got home.
Now, it could have been much worse. It would have been very easy to go back for seconds of everything, but I didn't. I only took small servings of everything.
I've come a long way, baby.
More importantly, I was OK with what I was doing. It was part of what I had planned. I wasn't doing anything 'naughty' so my behaviour was modified accordingly. For some reason, if I'm doing something naughty, I'm likely to eat much more than I did today. By giving myself permission to eat whatever I liked, it took the attraction of overeating away, so I made good portion size decisions.
If I'd gone to something like this before I had started this journey, I would have consumed twice as much as I did today and probably would have picked at food in the kitchen once I got home.
I've still eaten a ghastly quantity of food and feel quite ill. Not only that, but I need to swill an awful lot of water between now and bedtime or I'll be a very hung over little Tree in the morning.
I guess the moral of this little story is that we need to have days like this, we need to give ourselves permission to eat things we wouldn't ordinarily eat every so often. By giving ourselves permission, we are less likely to overdo it and we won't waste energy with recriminations and beating ourselves up for being 'bad'.
I didn't do anything 'bad' today. I ate more than I needed and I ate a lot of 'energy dense' food. I'll need to keep an eye on my eating for a while and I'll need to do a lot of exercise to make up for this. I gave myself permission for everything I did.
But I could have skipped the chips and ice cream!
With great weight loss comes even greater credit card bills. I've had to practically replace my wardrobe (yeah, I know, boo hoo) which I'm doing grudgingly as I'll need to replace it again when I lose the remaining 15kg!
I need help paying off my credit card bill. That's where I hope you come in. I've cleared out my wardrobe of things that don't fit me any more. I've then creamed off the nicest and most recent items and I'm offering them to you. Here's how it works.
I'll list the items below with a photo and as many sizing and measurement details as I can. Each item will be $10 plus postage ($10 in whatever currency you have in your country, it's just easier that way.) You email me and tell me which items you want, please don't ask in the comments. I confirm your request then you send me a money order or you can pay me through PayPal. I will not accept personal cheques and you are out of your freaking mind if you send cash in the mail. Once I have received payment, I will then post you the items.
All items are good quality, have been laundered and have no marks or damage to them. Some will be a little creased from being in storage, nothing a good iron won't fix.
I've photographed and measured them as best as I could and if you have any questions about an item, email me and ask. And yes, I do wear a lot of black.
This is not an auction, it's first in best dressed (pun intended). I'll leave this up for 2 weeks and whatever hasn't gone in that time will go to charity. As people claim items, I'll mark them as gone in the entry.
No haggling, no deals, no refunds, no returns. For $10, if it doesn't turn out to be what you wanted or expected, give it to charity. Sizing may vary with individual items, so if you're not sure, email me and ask.
So here's what's on offer:
Evening Wear
Wicked scarlet acetate/lycra Feathers evening dress. Sleeveless with knot detail at bust and plunging neckline. Stretchy, slinky and sexy!
Size: Aus 16/US 12
Length (back of neck to hem): 106.5cm/42"
Pretty black empire-line polyester/nylon/elastane Innovare dress. Fully lined (polyester). Matching front and back V neckline and split cap sleeves.
Size: Aus 18/US 14
Length (shoulder to hem): 114cm/45"
Sexy black polyester Moods tunic top with tie front. See-through with draped collar and side vents.
Size: Aus 16/US 12
Length (back of neck to hem): 86cm/34"
Arm length: 44cm/17.5"
Gorgeous black polyester satin Ellen Tracey sleeveless top. Really gorgeous, I got married in this!
Size: Aus 14/US 10
Length (back of neck to hem): 62cm/24.5"
Arm length: 44cm/17.5"
Sweet black polyester Studio C top. See-through with ruffled collar and trumpet sleeves.
Size: Aus 18-20/US 14-16
Length (back of neck to hem): 74cm/29"
Luscious red and gold polyester satin Lane Bryant cross-over top. Slight gathering under the bust and trumpet sleeves.
Size: Aus 18-20/14-16
Length (back of neck to hem): 66cm/26"
Arm length: 43cm/17"
Slinky black polyester satin Sussan pyjamas. Collarless with single, fabric covered button detail, hidden button placket and pocket on top. Elasticised waist on bottoms.
Size: Aus 16/US 12
Top length (back of neck to hem): 76cm/30"
Arm length: 46cm/18"
Inner seam length: 79cm/31"
Business Wear
Cool white linen Sussan short-sleeved shirt. Hidden button placket.
Size: Aus 16/US 12
Length (back of neck to hem): 58.5cm/23"
Sharp gun-metal grey cotton/nylon/spandex My Size long-sleeved shirt. Hidden button placket and double button cuff detail. Quite long.
Size: Aus 16/US 12
Length (back of neck to hem): 74cm/29"
Arm length: 43cm/17"
Stunning red polyester/rayon long hunting-style jacket. Single breasted. Black velvet collar, buttons and pocket detail. Fully lined (polyester) and slightly padded shoulders.
Bust: 114cm/45"
Waist: 107cm/42"
Hip: 127cm/50"
Length (back of neck to hem): 80cm/31.5"
Arm length: 46cm/18"
Snappy long black Cue polyester/viscose suit jacket. Collar-less, fully lined (polyester) with single button closure and two hip pockets plus faux breast pocket detail. Shaped at waist and slightly padded shoulders.
Size: Aus 14/US 10
Length (back of neck to hem): 76cm/30"
Arm length: 48cm/19"
Smart black polyester/rayon/viscose crepe Dalkeith suit jacket. Cropped length, single breasted and fully lined (polyester). Fabric-covered buttons with button detail on cuffs. Slightly padded shoulders. Fabric matches this skirt.
Size: Aus 16/US 12
Length (back of neck to hem): 56cm/22"
Arm length: 51cm/20"
Smart black polyester crepe Jacqui E suit skirt. Fully lined (polyester), zip closure with vent in back seam. Fabric matches this jacket.
Size: Aus 18/US 14
Length (waist to hem): 59cm/23"
Cute black polyester Jacqui E suit skirt. Fully lined (polyester), zip closure with vent over left knee and belt loop detail.
Size: Aus 18/US 14
Length (waist to hem): 59cm/23"
Dressy black polyester ankle-length BIB skirt. Elasticised waist and vents on each side.
Waist: 91cm/36" (unstretched) 126cm/50" (stretched)
Hip: 132cm/52"
Length (waist to hem): 91.5cm/36"
Dramatic black polyester ankle-length Katies skirt. Herringbone self-pattern fabric and long vent in back. Fully lined (polyester) with button and zip closure. Very long.
Size: Aus 16/US12
Length (waist to hem): 96.5cm/38"
Elegant black polyester crepe BIB wide-legged pants. Zip, hook and button closure. Waist elasticised in two sections at the back.
Size: Aus 20/US 16
Inner seam length: 71cm/28"
Casual Wear
Soft, natural coloured sweater with self-stripe pattern and boat neckline.
Width: 122cm/48"
Length (back of neck to hem): 66cm/26"
Arm: 46cm/18"
Super cute black pleated polyester/rayon/spandex Torrid skirt. Epaulette style detail at hip. Waist has been taken in a little.
Size: Aus 24/US 20
Waist: 101cm/40"
Length (waist to hem): 51cm/20"
Sweet black rayon/polyester/spandex My Size capri pants. Button and zip fastening and elasticised waist. Cute little vents over each ankle.
Size: Aus 18/US 14
Inner seam length: 51cm/20"
Cute 3/4 length cotton/elastane denim Jacqui E jeans. Low waist with two button detail and zip. Five pockets and turned up cuffs. Comfortably stretchy.
Size: Aus 18/US 14
Inner seam length: 61cm/24"
Comfortable wide-leg 100% cotton denim JeansWest jeans. Button fly with five pockets. Faded dirty denim colour. (Note: The backs of the rivets and buttons have been painted with red nail polish as I'm allergic to nickel. This is invisible from outside and does not affect the appearance of the jeans.)
Waist: 91cm/36"
Inner seam length: 79cm/31"
Go get 'em!
I'm not being anti-social, promise! But like a lot of other sites (not looking at anyone in particular Ms Donut, I've been doing a bit of online renovating.
There's a new link in the top right, but that's not the reason I've been so quiet. If you click the link, you'll see why.
I've had an online presence of some sort for the last 6 years. I've finally managed to combine all the different blogs and scattered bits of work into one place and I think it looks pretty spiffy.
The design is sort of a mirror of this. If you're interested, go have a poke around and let me know what you think. And I'll be back with a weigh in soon!