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Apologies for going periscope down last week. I wasn't proud of my performance and didn't want to face the music. But I am back and I'm looking to pick your brains.

It was my blog-iversary on Saturday. A somewhat bittersweet one at that.

Why bittersweet?

Twelve months ago, I was on a mission. I'd already lost 8.6kg (18.9lb). I had identified my goals, I had envisioned my future.

I had a fantastic WW leader and I had found a whole raft of incredible women online who were taking the same journey I was. The support was (and still is!) amazing.

Along the way, I had various health issues, including being diagnosed with major depressive disorder, something I'm wrestling with still.

But, no matter what, I still remained on target. Slow and steady losses, both weight and measurements.

I've lost 20.7kg (45.6lb) since I started this blog, 29.3kg (64.5lb) in total.

So where is the bitter?

Well, in the last four months, I've only managed to lose .4kg (.8lb). I've been bouncing up and down, little gains, little losses. My focus has drifted and my eating habits have slid. I'm still exercising, which is helping keep things under control, but I'm not excited by it the way I used to be. I'm doing it because I know it's the only thing stopping me from heading right back to my top weight, not because it makes me feel good.

Now the news is not all bad. I may only have lost .4kg, but I've lost 20.5cm (8"), which is great. So part of it is my body shedding fat and replacing it with lovely, compact, fat burning muscle. But seeing that tiny amount of weight lost over a period of 4 months still really brought me down.

I'm now working full time in an environment where they have a lolly jar, a biscuit (cookie) tin and constant supplies of fundraising chocolate. I do my best to resist, but it's harder to justify not having, "just one". I'm nearly at goal, just one won't hurt... It's positively lethal.

I'm looking for alternatives to my exercise. While the weights are still kicking my butt and some of the pilates exercises are still making me sweat, they don't excite me anymore. I spotted this online recently and I'm thinking of giving it a go. Of course, it's not been released in Australia yet and they don't know when it will be, but we have a US PS2, so I can order it from the US and play it at home.

In my last entry, I mentioned that I had achieved most of my goals. A lot of those 100 things just aren't relevant to me anymore. I'm there.

It's clear that I need to make another set of goals, a set that focuses on my future as a woman at her goal weight trying to live a healthy life.

I need to find the passion again. I need to feel the fire in my belly again.

I know some of you have been here before. What have you done to ignite the fire again? And, for anyone reading this, imagine yourself in my shoes. You're 5kg (10lb) from goal weight. What would be the new goals you set yourself for a future as a fit and healthy person? What would be some of your 100 reasons?

The utterly genius Kimba came up with this idea and I think it's brilliant. We often spend so much time focusing in on what we still need to do, that we forget to reflect on what we've achieved already.

I've seen a couple of these now, some are happy, some feel they could have come further. But all of them show that we've made SOME progress and we all should be damned proud of that. No matter how much you lost, YOU LOST! And that's a damned sight more than what most people managed to achieve in the last year.

So, with that out of the way, let's get onto the numbers...

Weight

Total loss in 2004: 26.5kg (58.4lb)

Kg to goal: 9.1kg (20lb)

Size at start of 2004: AU 20-22 (US 22-24)

Size at end of 2004: AU 14 (US 16)

Average weekly loss: .6kg (1.3lb)

Biggest loss in 1 week: 1.9kg (4.1lb)

Smallest loss in 1 week: .1kg (.2lb)

Biggest gain in 1 week: 1kg (2.2lb)

Most consecutive losses: 15 weeks

Most consecutive gains: none

Total number of loss weeks: 39

Total number of gain weeks: 7

Centimeters lost

Centimeters lost in 2004: 131.5cm (51.7")

Neck: 4cm (1.5")

Upper Arm: 2cm each (.8")

Bust: 15.5cm (6.1")

Under Bust: 13cm (4.7")

Waist: 16cm (6.2")

Abdomen: 25cm (9.8")

Hips: 20cm (7.8")

Thigh: 11cm each (4.3")

Calf: 6cm each (2.3")

These are numbers I think I can be justifiably proud of. I've worked hard for this, steadily exercising and tracking, even on the days when I'm falling off the wagon abysmally.

I have learnt a lot about myself and my body in 2004 and this learning will stand me in good stead to get rid of the last 9.1kg (20lb) I need to lose in 2005.

I will get to goal and I will maintain that weight. It's going to happen. 2005 will be my year.

I hope everyone had safe and wonderful new year's celebrations. The boy and I had a quiet one together which was just lovely.

The dinner wasn't even too bad, for the most part. I did a BBQ and had seafood and lean lamb with grilled vegies. I even indulged in a little champagne.

Then there was dessert...

I could not figure out for the life of me what to have for dessert. Until I walked past the Baskin Robbins on Chapel St and a not very good idea occurred to me.

They sell ice cream in pints. Any flavour you want.

So, after my delicious, low point dinner, I ate half a pint of Baskin Robbins Honey Butter Baklava ice cream. And it was GOOOOOOOOD. Not the best choice, perhaps, particularly when I'm trying to undo the damage incurred over Christmas, but I enjoyed every bite of it.

The real reason for this post, other than to wish everyone happies, is more contemplative.

It occurred to me, as I was reading your blogs, that this time next year, this blog will be redundant. I mean, other than perhaps talking about maintenance, I won't need this blog. Because I will be done. This time next year, I will be at goal and hopefully will have been for some months. I have less than 10kg (22lbs) to lose.

I will be at goal this time next year.

That is a statement. A promise. A vow.

It will happen.

This time next year, I might be putting in some effort to get back to goal after putting on a little over the silly season, but that will only be a tiny amount of weight and I'll be getting BACK to goal.

It's an awe-inspiring thought.

I'm full of motivation and determination (not that you would have guessed with the Baskin Robbins, but yet...) I can do this. I have been doing this for almost 12 months. Sure, my body throws the odd curve ball, but I can work with that.

I have less than 10kg to lose.

I can do this.

I will do this.

Just watch me.

Addendum: I solved the lingerie problem. As Kimba pointed out in the comments of my last entry, the lingerie in question was put on sale, 25% off. It was a sign. So I treated myself to a bra and a g-string as a 'You go girl, here's to the New Year and losing the rest of your weight' gift.

I feel UNUTTERABLY beautiful. [grin]

You know you've lost weight when the old guy manning the counter at your local milk bar/corner store says, "You look like you lost a few kilos."

Yeah, just a couple.

I'm beginning to think that my Christmas plan is really not a good one. Somewhere along the way, my brain has gone from "Maintain 75kg all through December" to "EATING FRENZY! MUST EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT!"

It's as if by giving myself some leeway, my brain has interpreted this as the ability to go completely freaking nuts about food. Give it an inch and it's eating the entire buffet.

Part of it is weird body perception too. You see, while rationally I know I have shrunk, my body has shrunk in proportion. So my thighs and bum are still proportionally enormous compared to the rest of me. Some days, I see my heavy, pale, fleshy thighs or butt and I feel like nothing has changed.

Of course it has. In February if you had told me I would own and wear a pair of cargo pants in a size 14, I would have had you committed.

It's just that my brain hasn't caught up with all the changes, no matter how much I gaze into the mirror or stroke my collar bone or hip bones. I get this idea that nothing has changed and that makes it OK to schlork down anything that doesn't get out of my way quick enough.

Thinking about it, I have been going at this for nearly 10 months. The shine has worn off and this whole stupid perception thing is preventing me from always seeing the benefits of what I'm doing. So of course I'm jack of the whole thing.

But I can't let myself be. This isn't a diet, it's a lifestyle change and it's clear that I don't have that embedded in my head yet. I have to get it into my head that I have lost a significant amount of weight and that if I want to preserve that loss and lose more, this psycho eating has to stop.

The minute boredom kicks in, I'm prowling the kitchen like a hungry lioness, not for one moment thinking of all the other strategies that WW has given me for moments like these.

Fortunately, I've been fending off many of these munchies with carrots and cherry tomatoes, but I need to do more work to stop my brain thinking that inhaling gargantuan quantities of food is a good idea.

What I need to do is sort out this perception thing. Even when I was at my biggest, I never felt that I was that big inside. Now that I am smaller, I feel like a fat chick. What gives? How do I straighten this out in my brain?

Thank you all so much for your support and wonderful comments and emails and even phone calls! I was sitting here a couple of nights ago absorbing your comments with tears in my eyes (happy tears!), knowing that I was not alone and that there were a whole bunch of you out there cheering for me. It's a wonderful feeling and thank you. It means more to me than I can possibly say.

Things are good in Chez Tree right now. The Lexapro seems to have kicked in and I'm feeling better about everything in general.

I was responding to a meme I had done in my other blog and some of my readers over there had called for 'before' and 'after' photos of me.

Since you guys have been supporting me so well here, I thought it only fair I shared them with you too! (Yes, there will be race day frock photos, but the hat won't be ready until Monday, so you'll just have to be a bit more patient!)

But before that, I wanted to share this photo of two gorgeous dames taken during Beckie's recent visit to Melbourne.

No wonder the temperatures skyrocketted while she was here. Two such hot women in one town? Postively dangerous!

Sometimes all it takes is a 'before' and 'after' comparison to realise just how far you've come. This was a bit of a shock to me, but a very pleasant one!

The photo on the left was taken Christmas Day, 2003. The photo on the right was taken Oct 27, 2004. I'm not sure what my weight was in the 'before' picture, but a month and a half later I weighed in at my highest weight ever, so I'm sure I wasn't too far away from 100.6kg (221.7kg) The one on the right is around 22kg (48lb or 88 ) later.

The tracksuit pants on the right are a size 20, the jeans on the left are a loose 16.

Oh, and I have a snazzy new haircut too!

Just for kicks, I tried on the pair of jeans I had to buy at Christmas time because I couldn't fit into any of the pairs I owned at the time (which I've since shrunk out of as well).

I've had family and friends tell me how much I've lost, Beckie thought I was absolutely tiny when she met me and, intellectually, I know I have shrunk because my clothing size has changed. But I'm living in this body day to day and I don't get the external perspective people around me have.

These photos are wonderful validation of how far I've come and just what I can achieve when I put my mind to it. Here's to the next lot of before and after photos!

A little birdie told me that I wasn’t going to lose again this week.

Oh, who am I kidding. I’m a howling hypocrite, I got on the scales this morning, the day before weigh-in, because I just didn’t feel like I’d lost anything.

I know, I’m the girl who tells you not to weigh-in more than once a week. Yes, I’m a hypocrite, especially when the scale told me the bad news and I felt like absolute hell.

There are a bajillion reasons why I might not lose anything tomorrow.

For example, I haven’t been getting all my water. I’ve said before that I need 3lts every day. Well, I’ve only been getting about two thirds of that. I also had very salty Mexican food on Friday and I may still be retaining water just because of my cycle.

So chances are I’ve got a stack of water weight still on me.

I’ve also been a bit slack about my eating habits. I’ve gone over my points five days this week. Not by much, a point or two here and there, but it’s the little things, like deciding to crumb and pan-fry my pork filet rather than grill it or polishing off a bottle of wine with a friend one night.

Now, I’ve done enough exercise this week to cover all of these little indiscretions (and more!), but my body isn’t used to me eating a little extra most days of the week.

But, instead of stomping around the park on my walk this morning, berating myself for falling off the wagon, I tried something different.

I used this as an opportunity to refocus myself on my goals. Because that’s what this is. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s an opportunity to have a look at what I’m doing and make sure I’m working towards my goals.

I always have my 100 reasons to do this, but they are goals for when I get there, not for along the way. And I have some whopping big goals to aim for soon.

For example, when I lose another .5kg (1.1lb), I will be exactly half way to my WW goal weight. Which is, without putting too fine a point on it, pretty fucking impressive. Half a kilo? That’s nothing. I’ve already done it 34 times, I can do it again, easy, peasy lemon-squeezy.

The next goal? A mere additional 2.5kg (5.5lb) and I’ll be back to my lowest recorded weight. I haven’t been there for two years. I’d like to see it again. It would also mean I’ve lost 20kg (44lb), which, again, without putting too fine a point on it, is really fucking impressive.

After that? A measly .7kg (1.5lb) will put me at my lowest recorded weight EVER! I’ll finally be a 70s girl! I haven’t been there for around 10 years or so. I’m dying to get back there again.

So I’m focusing closely on the next 3.7kg (8.1lb), in little steps. Because it will be the most significant weight I’ve ever lost.

It deserves my complete and undivided attention and it deserves everything I can do to achieve it.

And I will. Plateau, fucking schmateau. Not on my watch, baby.

I've joined Joelle & PDTD's Bahama Mama Challenge.

I still need to peel off between 16-20kg (35-44lbs) and my loss rate has been so low that it will take about two years to get there unless I ratchet things up a notch.

It's not anything more than what I need to be doing anyway. Track what I'm eating, get in plenty of exercise and guzzle water. I've been doing that for nearly six months now, I've just not been entirely disciplined about it. This challenge is just a reminder to be a bit stricter about making good choices.

Wow, six months. You'd think I'd have this weight loss thing down to a fine art, wouldn't you? You'd think I'd be little Miss Rabbit Food 2004.

But it doesn't work that way. I still have nights when all I want to do is numb myself with huge quantities of food. The difference between then and now is that I choose not to.

It's something that my WW lecturer really brought home to me week before last. That it's OK if you still get those crazy cravings. That you're not a failure if you don't automatically order steamed fish and vegetables at a restaurant. That there will be days when you won't get out of bed early to walk.

For some insane reason, I had fixated on the idea that I would be a success when all these habits were 'broken'. Until then, I was weak. A failure. That I would never succeed.

Success is not obliterating these things. Success is being aware of them and making good choices as often as you can. Because we are human and if you offer me the choice between cheesecake and lettuce, well, I'm not going to be noble about this.

But I know that if I eat the cheesecake, I need to do x amount of exercise and watch what I eat for a couple of days afterward. And that I can enjoy the cheesecake and not beat myself up for it afterwards. I just need to make different choices after eating it to compensate.

So I'm OK with the flawed thinking that lets me believe that an over-full tummy will make the pain go away. But I'm much happier that I can choose to ignore that thinking and choose something better for myself.

OK, now that I have that cheesy bit of 70s fluff playing on head radio, where was I?

Oh yeah.

Right back where I started from.

Bugger.

This is my third attempt at Weight Watchers. Not that there's anything wrong with the program. The problem was me not adjusting to what is essentially a new way of life.

I treated it as a diet. That I could go off it and be OK. My first attempt, I began at 95-ish kg (209lb). But I didn't track, I didn't exercise enough and I wasn't really too concerned about what I was eating.

The second time I started at 91.2kg (201lb). Just .1kg over where I am right now. And I got all the way down to 80kg (176lb) and then stuff happened that knocked me right back into my old eating patterns. An extra 20kg (44lb) worth of old eating patterns.

It's taken me 14 weeks to get right back to where I started from.

To say this is disheartening is an understatement. I'm doing well at this. I'm following the plan and working harder to understand what makes my body tick so that I can be a better caretaker of it. But to have worked for three months just to get back to where I was 2 years ago is a little disappointing.

Of course, I'm looking at this the wrong way. I need to not focus on the past, I need to focus on where I am now and where I'm going. I need to focus on my achievement so far. I'm losing, I'm looking better and I'm feeling better for it. But that little (hormonal) voice inside my head keeps whispering.

Excuse me, I have a little voice to hunt down.

Sometimes, when you are trying to achieve something for yourself, it's worth writing down exactly what it is you're trying to achieve. And when things are looking really rotten and difficult and miserable, you can go back to that list and remind yourself of why you're putting yourself through it. Here's 100 reasons why I'm doing this.

1. To put on tights without a struggle.
2. To wear size 14 (US size 10) Levi 501s again.
3. To be able to wear a skirt without tights in summer.
4. To fit into the pretty clothes I used to wear.
5. To have more choice in clothes.
6. To be able to choose not to buy clothes because I don't like them rather than because they don't come in my size.
7. To wear pretty lingerie, not scaffolding.
8. To wear waisted shirts.
9. So the buttons on my shirts don't pull over my bust.
10. To buy smalls and mediums, not larges and extra larges.
11. To like my reflection at the hairdressers again.
12. To not have to lift my chin for photos.
13. To not have to wear styles that 'flatter' (read 'hide') my figure.
14. To never have to buy 'Fat Chicks R Us' brands.
15. To never have to buy extra tall tights when I'm only 5'4".
16. To wear spaghetti straps and tank tops.
17. To wear shorts and short skirts.
18. To wear low cut jeans without the muffin pan effect.
19. To have jackets fit over my shoulders comfortably.
20. To not have red lines over my body after wearing a bra or jeans.
21. To buy bathers with a minimum of fuss.
22. To be concerned with cut and colour and not fit.
23. To enjoy clothes shopping again.
24. To be able to buy clothes more easily.
25. To be proud of how my body looks.
26. To be healthier.
27. To be fit.
28. To lower my cholesterol levels.
29. To be stronger.
30. To be more flexible.
31. To be more disease resistant.
32. To eat food that is delicious and good for me.
33. To learn how to make good food choices.
34. To never have my inner thighs bleed from chafing again.
35. To never be limited by my weight.
36. To learn new ways of making my body feel good.
37. To try new things that will stretch my body further and harder.
38. To enjoy being physical again.
39. To get outside more often.
40. To feel physically accomplished.
41. To enjoy food as food and not as anything else.
42. To explore new foods and recipes.
43. To expand my favourite foods.
44. To learn how food affects my body.
45. To learn how exercise affects my body.
46. To understand portion control.
47. To be patient and let my body change as it needs to.
48. To not deprive myself of what I need.
49. To create a body I can comfortably live in for the rest of my life.
50. To be proud of what my body can do.
51. To feel more comfortable in my skin.
52. To never say to myself, "Good girl, have a cookie." again.
53. To stop being invisible to people.
54. To feel connected to my body again, not just live inside my head.
55. To understand that if hunger is not the question, then food is not the answer.
56. To be more disciplined.
57. To succeed.
58. To be motivated.
59. To be in control.
60. To feel confident in my ability to take care of myself.
61. To enjoy my body.
62. To enjoy exercising and using my body.
63. To never have to stress about my weight again.
64. To never have to focus on food again.
65. To exercise for pleasure, not necessity.
66. To eat because I'm hungry.
67. To enjoy food without guilt.
68. To not beat myself up if I make less appropriate food choices.
69. To forgive myself for slipping up and move on.
70. To understand that this is a life change.
71. To learn that my appearance does not dictate my personality or abilities.
72. To take ownership of my past and my future.
73. To be able to control what is in my control and let go of what is not.
74. To own my feelings and emotions.
75. To be proud of what I have changed and achieved.
76. To learn how to disconnect food from feelings.
77. To learn how to cope with stress without eating.
78. To learn how to stop masking my feelings with food.
79. To learn to eat because I am hungry.
80. To learn to say 'No.'
81. To not eat just because it is socially acceptable.
82. To not eat just because food is there.
83. To not eat just because I'm bored.
84. To learn how to manage cravings and understand what they really signal.
85. To learn how to listen to my emotions.
86. To learn how to cope with my emotions more effectively.
87. To learn that food is a pleasure, not a comfort.
88. To learn that food will not help me, it will just fuel me.
89. To learn to expand the way I think about managing my feelings.
90. To understand different ways of coping.
91. To forgive myself for my past coping mechanisms.
92. To learn from my past coping mechanisms.
93. To understand why I used food as a coping mechanism.
94. To learn how to fulfil myself and break old patterns.
95. To create new, healthier patterns.
96. To love myself, my appearance and my achievements.
97. To learn it's OK to be upset or angry or sad or frustrated.
98. To learn to let things run their course.
99. To learn it's OK to slip up, it's getting back on the horse that is important.
100. To never let a cookie tell me what to do.

Since I don't have a clear enough photo of my 'before' weight to show, I toddled off to My Virtual Model to come up with a 'before' and 'after' shot...

       

This is only a guesstimate, all care, no responsibility taken. Your mileage may vary. If symptoms persist, please see your doctor.