09 January 2006
:: Back on track ::

A 1.7kg (3.7lb) loss in my first week, just by eating sensibly and drinking all my water?

I'll take that.

It MAY have been influenced by the infected tooth which ensured that I was taking little nibbles of food and eating very slowly. But the vomiting definitely didn't play a part because I hadn't eaten at all that day anyway. And despite the anti-nausea tablets not kicking in until around 5.30pm that night, I still managed to eat over my points.

But I'm sorry, going through that and NOT having ice cream with caramel sauce is surely breaking a Geneva convention somewhere. One has to be forgiving to one's self.

Of course, this means that I'm not seriously considering real exercise until after the root canal tomorrow and after any other dental work that is looming on the horizon (I'm expecting to end up with a crown once they've cleaned the tooth out).

I may do a mild yoga work out or two using my copy of this and I'll scour the magnificent Stumptuous for that old dumbbells workout she had. That was an absolute corker and toned me up like nothing else.

The tooth has been a convenient distraction from me thinking about why I eat. However, despite being deeply distressed by pain, the worst I managed was 6 points worth of low fat ice cream and caramel topping.

It's scarcely the packets of corn chips, cookies and chocolate of my heyday. Not that I can manage anything particularly crunchy yet, but you get the picture.

It gives me a quiet sort of hope that I don't have to spiral into binge eating the moment things go pear-shaped.

The fact that I stayed pretty much on track all week and didn't feel particularly physically hungry was great.

I felt emotionally hungry, but it was at that point I could ask myself what the real problem was and nurse that need, rather than just eat.

The most important thing seems to be that I've been able to distinguish the two in my head. Both emotional and physical hunger manifest themselves as a physical sensation for me. Physical hunger is more of a gnawing in my belly, while emotional hunger feels more like a whirlpool spinning around just around my diaphragm. It's a form of anxiety, but it's not a physical need for nutrition.

It's a physical need for comfort and reassurance of another sort. Now, it's easy to pack carrot sticks in your desk to satisfy the physical hunger, but what is the emotional equivalent of carrot sticks?

It's one thing to say that chocolate won't give you a shoulder to cry on, and goodness knows I've said it in the past, but that doesn't mean you have to go cold turkey. I need an emotional nicotine patch.

In the past I have bought chocolate to reassure myself that I was worthy and good and deserving of nice things. Now I need to find a new way of soothing that need. Something quick, effective and doesn't look too freakish if I'm in the office or out in public.

Anyone got any ideas?

Edit: As I edited my weightloss tally on the home page, I realised I had just tipped back over the halfway point. I haven't even thought about my rewards for this round, but I'll hold off celebrating until I see the numbers next week.


ladymisstree | 08:20 PM | Take a bite (8)

04 May 2005
:: Week 64 - Revelations ::

Fortunately, these revelations don't involve biblical freakishness, but they are revelations nonetheless.

But first, no change in my weight this week. A bonus, as I was expecting to gain. Of course, this means that I have no chance at Slimmer of the Year, but that's fine, I can enter next year, having lost and maintained my weight. It's all good.

Now, onto the revelations...

I thought I was going crazy. Well, technically I was already crazy, but I thought I was completely losing my mind.

Now, I'm not surprised that this has grown fairly old. I've been doing this for over a year now, and anything you do for a year straight can get boring. The honeymoon is over, the excitement has worn off and I was looking at what I was doing and thinking, "This is it. For the rest of my life."

It was depressing. Like my entry last week, I was looking for the final reward. Weight loss nirvana - when I finally achieve my goal weight and I maintain and it's dead easy and I never have to worry about it again.

But the scales were falling from my eyes. I WAS going to have to worry about it for the rest of my life. Maintenance wasn't going to be that much different to losing, it was going to be a long hard slog where I kept having to just try and make the best decisions I could.

Real easy to get whiney here. Why did it have to be so hard? Where was the big payoff? Why couldn't I go off into the sunset never having to worry about being a fat chick again?

Not only that, but I'd achieved a lot of my goals. I can buy the clothes I like now. Hell, I can go into chi chi designer stores on Chapel St (exclusive shopping area for non-locals) and try on whatever I like. I was THERE. I felt DONE. But I wasn't quite.

And I had nothing motivating me to take it over the finish line.

Slimmer of the Year was a failed attempt to give me one more thing to work for. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not stopping here. I'm not done. I want to see 65kg on the scale. Preferably for the rest of my life. But I'm not the girl I was in February 2004. I don't want the things she wanted so desperately, because now I have them.

I'm not that girl anymore.

Enter I Am That Girl Now. I found her from a link in a comment on another site. I followed the link.

Revelatory.

This woman had been where I was. She spoke my language, she knew what I felt and she'd stood on that edge, that slippery, slidey edge between staying on target and keeping the weight off or giving it all away.

And you know what? It was hard for her too. It still is. It's hard, there is no weight loss nirvana even when you get to goal. Just more of the same.

I wasn't going crazy. This was NORMAL.

Such a fucking relief.

Like treatment for my depression, it was just enough to hear I wasn't alone, I wasn't nearly as out of my mind as I thought I was and that it was OK, I would survive.

I was down, but not out.

This week, I've been very kind to myself. This week it's about water. That's all I have to concentrate on. If I get my exercise, great. If I stay within my points, fantastic. If I track, bonus. But the water is the thing.

There's no point freaking out and trying to focus on everything, because in the end I'll focus on nothing, feel like a failure and then I will give it all away.

So this week, water. 3 litres (100 ounces) every day.

Baby steps. It doesn't matter what size they are, every step forward is a step closer to goal.


ladymisstree | 11:30 PM | Take a bite (8)

28 April 2005
:: Week 63 - A New Hope ::

Sorry, Mr Lucas, I had to steal your movie subtitle because this girl needs all the hope she can get these days.

The black dog has been visiting again and I've been trying to hide from him under the doona and under Magnum ice creams - both surprisingly ineffective. This depression bullshit sucks giant donkey dick. I won't apologise for the language, it's how I feel about it right now.

Of course, depression = shocking eating habits = weight gain. This was only aggravated by my birthday last week, where I went out for meals no less than three times (so-so vegetarian, fabulous Spanish tapas and gorgeous Vietnamese). Only a .1kg (.2lb) gain, but my chances of being Slimmer of the Year are looking slimmer and slimmer.

So I went in search of my old mentor, Kathryn. I figured she would know just what to say to get me back on track.

Well, she would if she hadn't just left WW completely.

I was devastated. I tried to be very gung ho about it, but I realised just how much I was reliant on her when I found she wasn't there. Which just goes to show that I'm going to have to learn to rely on myself now. And you, my wise, wise readers.

And bloody hell, there are some wise, wise women out there in blogland. Right now, I'm looking at you DG, and don't you go hiding in the corner there Ms Kimba, I see you too.

These last couple of weeks have been really difficult for me. Despite wonderful things happening (my birthday and I was headhunted for a permanent job), I found myself burying myself and everything I was feeling under food.

Packets of biscuits, chips, chocolate, ice cream, you name it, I inhaled it.

Why? Feeling out of control again. Feeling scared about the new job, scared of change, scared that I might have made the wrong decision (no, the job is a good decision, I'm just second guessing myself). Scared that we might end up with money problems, that money is utterly out of my control.

That's what my brain says, anyway. Logically, I know we can budget, especially if I'm getting a monthly pay cheque, and steer clear of eating ramen noodles for the week before payday. Logically, I know there are things we can do. But if I was a logical woman, I wouldn't be self medicating with packets of shortbread creams, would I?

Of course, I felt bad afterwards for doing that. I recognised my behaviour, but felt frustrated that after over a year, I still am doing this. Then Kimba posted this and the heavens opened and the angels sang:

"But I freely acknowledge that emotional eating is something I'll never totally conquer, just something I have to try and control, as much as I can. C'est la vie."

I've been emotionally eating since I was seven, I'm clearly not logical if I think that is a behaviour that I will simply conquer. Like a smoker, or an alcoholic, all I can do is try and control it as much as I can. I will fall off the wagon, and I will just climb back on again and keep riding, a little wiser than the last time.

As for DG, this entry was a revelation to me. I wasn't the only one who felt this way! Crazed as it may seem to anyone who's ever had a weight problem, this makes perfect sense to me, it resonated so truly. If nothing else, this line sums up everything in my head right now

"My perception of my body and physical abilities has still not caught up with the reality. I still see myself as this enormous chick who should be applauded for making the effort to waddle to work or stand up the back at a gym class."

It's something I'm really feeling right now, particularly now that I'm giving up my business to work for someone else again. Dammit, I want someone to come up to me with a fuck-off big trophy and say, "Tree, you are the most outstanding woman of the year. Not only did you successfully run your own business, you lost 30-ish kg while you did it. We're all in awe of you and you should become supreme leader of the known universe."

Or something like that, I'm not picky.

I want to be acknowledged for what I've achieved. I guess it's why I wanted to go for the Slimmer of the Year, to be acknowledged for what I've achieved.

I know I won't make that now, which is a blow. And it's getting really weird now that I will be working with a group of people who never saw the 'before' Tree. I know that some days it will be all I can do not to get up in someone's face and say, "But dammit, I USED TO BE THE FAT CHICK! Admire me!"

Sweet skateboarding Christ, reading this back to myself, I sound like a complete loon.

But it's not all mental breakdowns and freak outs. There is some reason buried in there, deep amongst the angst and the bullshit and baggage. I know this, because this bit from Kimba spoke to me so deeply:

"And as much as I'm committed to losing the rest of my fat, some weeks there are just more important things to worry about than counting points or losing a few hundred grams. Life has gotta be lived too."

Word.

Perhaps there's hope for me after all.


ladymisstree | 11:06 PM | Take a bite (11)

19 April 2005
:: Week 62 - Operation: Finish Line ::

Like Beck, I totally managed to goof on my weight last week. Only put on .8kg (1.7lb - which still isn't great), and this week I managed to take a good chunk of that back off again with a .6kg (1.3lb) loss.

All in all, a pretty good start to what I'm calling Operation: Finish Line.

This all began at my last WW meeting, where my leader passed me a copy of the WW Slimmer of the Year entry form. She wants me to enter this year.

But for me to be eligible, I need to be at my goal weight by 20th May. Now, this raised a bunch of different emotions in me (and I'm still swinging about it now). First of all, determination. I want to get this done. I want to be finished, I want to be at goal. I'm sick of bouncing around at 70kg and not going anywhere. This goal is the encouragement I need to really focus and get to goal.

On the other hand, I'm also worried. I do know my body and I know what it's capable of and I'm not sure that even if I eat clean, track, drink my water and exercise like a bat out of hell, that I can drop enough weight by May 20th. But if I think like that and I don't even try, how am I ever going to know?

Finally, fear. It's taken me a long time to decide to even post about this. You see, if I never tell anyone, then nobody will ever know if I fail. And this idea is the very reason I'm posting about this now. If I tell people, then I'm accountable. People are watching and supporting and encouraging me along the way. And they will do that regardless of whether I make it or not. I need to do this for me and nobody else. And I need to believe in myself.

Now, I'm not on my own, a friend who is a personal trainer is currently working on a fitness plan to get me to goal. She's absolutely convinced that there is no reason why I can't do this.

I have just under 5 weeks to lose 5.7kg (10lb). It's big. And I have a birthday on Thursday that will not go uncelebrated just so that I can eat completely clean this week.

But even if I don't make it, I will be THAT much closer to goal and that will be a great feeling!

I've already upped my reps for my weights and I'm taking longer walks when I can. I'm going to get stuck into the veggie soups again, especially on days when I know I'll be eating out.

I'm hungry for this. It's a steep, steep road I've set myself, but no matter what happens, I'll either be at goal or that much closer. It's all good.


ladymisstree | 02:45 PM | Take a bite (5)

11 April 2005
:: Week 61 - Picking myself up, dusting myself off ::

Ouch.

.9kg (1.9lb) gain this week.

Not that this was at all unexpected.

After all, it is TTOM (water retention), my sinuses are playing up (inflammation = more water retention) and my system is, ah... shall we say... a little backed up.

Oh, and on top of that, I've just spent the last seven days eating like a crazed thing.

Let's see, this week, I ate a family sized bag of chips, a family block of chocolate, half a packet of shortbread creams, half a packet of mint slices, half a packet of jelly lollies and I had a full fat curry laksa. And there was the business lunch with the Spanish tapas, the bottle of wine and the dessert of thick, hot chocolate sauce for dipping deep-fried churros in.

Not to mention the odd licks, bites and nibbles that have been sneaking in (just how many times did I dip my finger in the peanut butter jar?) and the odd day sans exercise.

Damn, I'm lucky to get away with just putting on .9kg.

And I can feel it. I can really feel the extra weight on me. It sounds crazy, but it's not. My body feels heavier. I feel icky.

Of course, the real question to be asking here is why on earth I thought schlorking down all this food would be a good idea.

The answer? The usual sad, sorry tale.

Me + feeling overwhelmed = eating like a crazy person.

Work is still insane (I'm averaging 12 hour days), my job may be changing drastically over the next couple of months and there was a death in the family this week. I also have a bunch of little stuff I need to do that I never seem to get time to get around to, like sending out gifts and returning emails and things like that.

I don't know whether I'm Arthur or Martha and I suspect that right now, I couldn't find my arse with both hands, a flashlight and a GPS tracking device.

Logically, I know that eating won't help me. And once the nummy flavours were gone and my belly didn't feel safe and full, I was still me with all the issues I still had to deal with plus the fact that I'd just gorged myself on crap.

So I'm overwhelmed and frustrated and guilty and upset and a whole bunch of other icky things. And I've just spent a week reminding myself, the hard way, that food is nothing but fuel and it won't make me feel any better about anything.

But that's OK. I've done it. It's over. I'm still feeling those things and I'm going to use other techniques, like exercise or taking some time out for myself, to try and deal with them.

Sure, I'm disappointed, but I couldn't really expect anything else.

What I've done is not important, what I do next is. I exercised today. I ate clean, tracked and was just under my points for the day. There will be more challenges this week and I'll just try to make the best decisions I can.

Yes, I want to reach my goal weight more than I want to eat junk, but some days it's hard to remember that.


ladymisstree | 11:29 PM | Take a bite (11)

30 March 2005
:: Week 59 - Oh yeah, baby! ::

GOAL!

30kg gone, never to haunt me again. 66lb whittled away, gone forever.

I am incapable of expressing how good this feels right now. I was literally shaking with shock on the scales at the meeting today (late weigh in because of the public holiday on Monday). My heart was fluttering in my chest and I've felt 12ft tall and bullet proof all day.

I am so proud of how far I've come and how much I've achieved. And I'm inspired to finish the journey, to make it to goal and to show the world just what I'm capable of.

So much has changed since I posted my list of reasons why I wanted to lose weight.

For a start, I can wear a skirt without tights and not have my thighs bleed from the chafing. Tights go on like a dream. I've moved beyond a size 14 in jeans and I'm heading into 12s. I wear pretty lingerie and have much more choice in clothes.

I'm proud of my body and I'm proud of how much healthier I am. At my heaviest I found myself taking naps at every opportunity. Now I'm busting with energy. I hardly ever get sick, while before I used to catch every bug that went past. I'm enjoying being physical and moving and getting out into the fresh air.

I have some way to go with the list of emotional reasons, but that's what therapy is for. You don't break the habits of 25 years overnight (yes, I've been eating emotionally since I was seven), but I'm working on it. And I'm proud of how far I've come.

I'm learning to be kinder and more patient with myself. I'm becoming more forgiving of my faults. I'm listening to my needs and respecting them. I'm valuing myself more highly and respecting myself for my capabilities, my determination and my strength.

This has been so much more than simply weight loss and anyone who is trying to lose weight who thinks it's just about shifting fat is deluding themselves.

I am a changed woman, inside and out. I'm changing more every day. It's a beautiful journey and more than anything else, I'm so glad that on February 16th 2004, I had the courage to take the first step.

This journey will not end. Sure, I'll reach goal, but I will always be discovering new and wonderful things about myself. This is a journey of a lifetime and I can't wait to see what's around the next corner.


ladymisstree | 11:07 PM | Take a bite (21)

21 March 2005
:: Week 58 - BOOYAH! ::

I would just like to take this opportunity to bid a polite, yet firm farewell to the last two gains plus an extra .3kg (.6lb) and welcome, with open arms, a new lowest weight ever of 70.9kg (156.3lb)!

With that nasty .9kg (1.9lb) gone, there's only .3kg to my next goal of 30kg (66lb) lost.

And there's only one thing standing between me and that goal.

Easter.

Now, don't get me wrong, it's not like it's going to be ChocFest 2005 here at Chez Tree & Ghost, but there are a few hurdles I need to jump over before I start looking up personal trainers in the Yellow Pages.

Like hot cross buns.

See, I could eat half a dozen hot cross buns, toasted and slathered in butter, without batting an eyelash. Hell, I USED to eat that. The minute hot cross buns landed in the shops, I'd be buying them and eating them for breakfast, morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea, dessert, you name it.

I ADORE hot cross buns. I just love 'em.

This year, I've tried to be ever so good. I've not bought any until this week. I have half a dozen and I'm sharing them with Ghost. I MAY buy another half dozen, but I'll try to make these last until Good Friday. But an Easter without hot cross buns? You might as well ask me to cut off a leg. Ain't gonna happen. Compromise is the best I can offer here.

Sure, there will be a little chocolate too. That's fine. A bit of chocolate is good for you. But it will be good quality chocolate, not that nasty shit you get in the supermarkets. I'd rather have one minature Lindt gold bunny than half a dozen Elegant Rabbits. Better yet, I'll have a little Easter bilby so I get a treat and to help preserve these little guys from extinction. But then, for me, the pleasure of chocolate has always come from quality, not quantity.

No, the big hurdle for Easter has always been the traditional lunch at Mum's on Easter Sunday. Usually it's a big leg of lamb, roasted vegetables, dessert, cheese and wine. Not so bad on its own, but when you throw in the chocolate and the hot cross buns, it has the potential to be a disaster.

This year we're doing something different, but I don't think it's going to be any better. My brother, wanting to avoid the inevitable dishes more than anything else, wants to do finger food and nibblies. I'd almost prefer the roast because I can control portions much more easily than with nibblies. Because they're just that, nibbly. You nibble and nibble and nibble and all of a sudden you've eaten far more than you could manage in a sit down meal.

So what I need to focus on this week is my exercise and asking myself, every time I go to put something in my mouth, how is this helping me get to my 30kg goal? It may not help me every single time, but it sure would be nice to hit that goal next Tuesday.


ladymisstree | 04:53 PM | Take a bite (12)

14 March 2005
:: Week 57 - FAME! I'm gonna live forever! ::

Another gain this week - .4kg (.8lb) - but I'm absolutely sure it's water weight. Apart from it being TTOM, I... ah... accidentally 'fell' on the bathroom scales a couple of times earlier last week and the numbers that came up began with a SIX! Both times!

So I'm hoping that hitting the bottle plus my evening primrose oil will help rid me of that water weight next week.

I don't think I'll be a 60s chick next week, but I'll be damned close!

What was more exciting at weigh in today is that I was recognised from my blog! A lovely lady at my meeting told me that she had read my blog and recognised me from pictures.

What a huge buzz! We commiserated about the terrible leader this meeting has (it's not just me, this poor thing has spent meetings pinching her inner thighs to stop herself from jumping up mid-meeting and telling this idiot leader to shut up!) and had a lovely chat.

Unfortunately, because it didn't occur to me to introduce myself (well, she kinda knows who I am already!), I didn't catch her name. So, lovely lady with the gorgeous shoes, please leave a comment so I know who you are!

Speaking of our dreadful leader, I have decided that when I reach goal, I'll be finding Katherine's meeting and going to that instead for my maintenance.

Maintenance is just too important to put in the hands of this fool woman and I'd rather the inconvenience of travelling across town to Katherine's only meeting than possibly mess my maintenance program up.

I'm hoping that my work hours calm down a little this week (I'm seriously working from 9am to midnight most days, even this long weekend) so that I can post a little more often. I feel a Dr Tree™ rant coming on...


ladymisstree | 09:02 PM | Take a bite (4)

09 March 2005
:: Week 56 - Gain, schmain ::

A gain this week, but an entirely expected one. When you eat nearly half a birthday cake, chips, pizza, Chinese (including Peking and Crispy Skinned Duck), Thai, choc tops, popcorn and Baskin Robbins, it's kind of a given. But it was the boy's 30th and it deserved to be celebrated most thoroughly.

And it was. [grin]

But do I care about a gain? Not a bit. Especially when it's only .2kg (.4lb).

You know why I don't care?

Because the pants I'm wearing? The suit jacket hanging on the chair behind me?

They are SIZE 12!

Do you have any idea when I last wore a size 12? If you do, let me know, because I don't remember.

I had to go shopping last weekend, my work wardrobe was getting truly dire. One of the only skirts I could still wear needed to be pinned on either side of the waist to keep it up. My shirts billowed around me. The last pair of black pants I owned were about to get me arrested for public nudity.

I couldn't really afford it, but it was go shopping or show up to client sites looking like a bag lady.

So, I'm wandering around Chadstone when I spot this DIVINE suit in the window at Ojay. I go in and grab the suit in a 16 and a 14 (you never know which size you'll be). I go into the change room and start with the size 14 pants.

I nearly needed to be resuscitated when I realised they were too big!

I think my favourite phrase in the English language is now, "Er, this is too big. Can you get me a size 12?"

And not just the jacket, the PANTS! This from Miss Thunder Thighs/Child Bearing Hips 2004!

Actually, the irony is that while I've spent most of my adult life with a bottom usually equated to the back end of a bus, now that I've lost weight, I have no arse at all. Broad hips and big thighs still, but no arse.

None.

Gone.

Flat as a pancake.

I was hoping to keep a little junk in the trunk! I don't want flat, old lady bum! Maybe I can shift some of the fat still on my thighs to my buttocks? No? Damn.

So, how did I get away with eating so much last week? The clue was on the 'behind the scenes' Biggest Loser episode. If I do enough of the right sort of exercise for my body, I can get away with murder. How do you think Bob got away with eating cupcakes and snagging bits of pie and snacking all the time? He's a personal trainer!

I knew I was going to be eating hideously last week, so I focused on my water and my exercise. Sure, there might still be some damage next week, but this week my eating is back on track again, in addition to the exercise and water. I've found I can have a week of debauchery, as long as I keep up the exercise. Half an hour brisk walk every day (to find your fat burning pulse rate subtract your age from 220 and then find 70% of that number. Whatever that number is should be your heart rate as you walk. Mine is 220-32=188. 70% of 188 is 132 - so my fat burning heart rate is 132 beats per minute) plus half an hour of weights (serious dumbbells, not stupid, girly, pink handweights) three times a week and Winsor pilates three times a week.

It burns off a multitude of sins and allows you to have your cake too!

Finally, deepest apologies on the lack of updates and the lateness of this one. I'm currently working with 4 clients simultaneously and working from 6am to around midnight every day. Absolutely buggered, but it means lots of lovely money coming in soon. Hmmm, maybe a holiday might be in order...


ladymisstree | 10:02 PM | Take a bite (12)

28 February 2005
:: Week 55 - Feeling hot, hot, hot ::

Maybe last week's gain WAS water weight. I mean, I was really good this last week. I got all my exercise each day, I only went over points once, I tracked and I drank my water.

And I lost 1.7kg (3.7lb).

I've lost the weight I gained plus another half kilo, bringing me down to a new lowest weight. I'm only .6kg (1.3lb) from my 30kg (66lb) goal. And I'm only 1.3kg (2.8lb) from being a 60s girl.

It could have been just water weight, it's outrageously hot here and last week was TTOM, but I am keeping up my water so I'd like to think that it was more than that.

Last week was great, but next week is not shaping up to be so promising. It's my boy's 30th birthday and there will be dinners and cake and all sorts of goodies around the house.

Of course I can simply try to be disciplined, but I'm not particularly good at restraint when stuff is in the house. I'm not getting too attached to this loss, because the scales might say something very different next week. But I'll keep up the exercise and the water and hope that I can mitigate the damage.

Even if the loss is temporary, it's been a huge boost. It proved to me that just getting back to basics will do the trick. The basics got me this far, they will get me over the finish line.

I'm also thinking of changing my goal rewards. It occurred to me that if I get a leather jacket at 70kg, then it's almost giving me permission to get back up to that weight. If I get the jacket at my final goal weight, then it will act as a reminder to keep myself on track. I'm going to need lingerie anyway, so it really doesn't make much of a reward.

I thought a more useful reward would be a couple of sessions with a personal trainer. Those last few kilos are notoriously difficult to remove, so why not reward myself by enlisting some help?

My exercise routine has been pretty good so far, but reviewing with a personal trainer, especially with an eye to future maintenance, is not a bad idea.

So my mantra this week? Just 600gm to my next goal, just 600gm to my next goal.

I CAN do it.


ladymisstree | 04:10 PM | Take a bite (12)

23 February 2005
:: Week 54 - Taking it one day at a time ::

An entirely expected gain of 1.2kg (2.6lb) this week, and I'm bloody thankful it wasn't more. This isn't PMS or water retention from eating salty food or anything like that. It's plain old lack of exercise and poor eating.

I'm stepping up to the plate, admitting that I lost the plot and just taking it a day at a time, trying to get back on track.

And mixing metaphors like a lunatic.

I had gotten into a headspace where I believed that just thinking positively was enough. That surely this packet of Mint Slices wouldn't hurt and that, sure, I'd had pizza twice this week, but I could get away with more take away and I'll do some exercise tomorrow. Or maybe next week.

Depression does disasterous things to your motivation and this week I'm back to basics. My goals are very simple. Every day I try to do some exercise, track my food and drink water. If I do that, it's a success. If I stay within my points, it's a bonus. If I get all my exercise done (half an hour of cardio and half an hour of strength or flexibility exercises), then it's miraculous.

Forget the weight loss, I just need to get back into my good habits again.

Keeping it really simple and just focusing in on those steps seems to be do-able. I can't consciously 'lose weight', but I can do these simple things to help achieve that.

It's something that I'm implementing throughout my life right now. I'm making lists and working from them, trying to turn the overwhelming into managable bits that don't leave me wanting to hide under the doona for the day. It's working so far and the satisfaction of marking things as done is immensely satisfying.

The fact that I'm exercising again is a huge bonus too. It might have been 33C (91F) out today, but I was legging it around Albert Park lake at lunchtime anyway and it felt good. The sun on my skin, the ache of my muscles, the rhythm of my movements and those lovely little endorphins that make everything better.

So today was a good day. Tuesday was a good day. Even Monday was a good day, weigh in and all. Three good days in a row. Not a bad start, really.


ladymisstree | 08:25 PM | Take a bite (7)

17 January 2005
:: Week 49 - Pushing the boundaries ::

A .6kg (1.3lb) gain today. Entirely to be expected, even if it wasn't Water Retention Week at Chez Tree.

There's a variety of reasons for this gain, but I think Kimba and Airlie's comments on my last entry were spot on.

I am pushing the boundaries, I am testing my limits. I want to know how much I can 'get away with' before the scales leap out from behind the curtains and yell, "Busted!"

Apparently, I can't get away with what I've been doing. Which is not surprising, considering how excessive it was (e.g. an all day drinking session, eating half a family-sized seafood pizza, random choc attacks, rich restaurant food, Baskin Robbins, several days of not exercising). I actually ate worse and exercised less over the last week than I did over the week of Christmas.

So the gain is not a shock, nor is it a disappointment. It's what I can expect for doing what I did. And that's OK. I take full responsibility for that and I declare it done.

Of course, my emotions are at the root of all my binges and bad eating habits. And I'm on a little bit of a down cycle at the moment (hence less frequent postings). Not full-blown depression again, but, as my husband described it, not my sparkly best.

But that is no excuse. Even on my blackest days and weeks, I could eat well, track, drink my water and exercise.

So last week is history. This week is fresh and shiny and new and I'm going to make it a great week (this morning's raspberry friand incident notwithstanding).

I'm really focusing in on my exercise, as the heat has robbed me of some walking motivation. When it's stinking hot even at 6am or 9pm, it's really hard to find the will to walk. I need to find something else, and there is a pool less than a minute's walk from home. So I took a big step today.

A really big step.

I bought my first pair of bathers in over 10 years.

It was revelatory. Usually, buying bathers is a traumatic experience unequalled in our society. All that bare, pale flesh, the teensy bit of lycra, the unforgiving mirror and the harsh reality of the change room lights. Sure, I had all of that, but the revelation was in the fact that I had over a dozen outfits in the change room with me and I was making my choices based on things like price or colour or cut. For once, my choices weren't limited by size.

Sure, I wanted to punch the lights out of the woman in the change room next to me who wittered in a disgusted tone, "Oh, no wonder that was so big on me! It's a 14!", but that was the only traumatic part.

Now, don't get too excited, we're not in itsy, bitsy, teeny, weeny, yellow, polka dot bikini territory yet. It's a practical one piece that will allow diving and vigorous swimming without the girls getting out and about or inadvertent butt flossing. But it's cut nicely and the colour is lovely and I happen to think it looks pretty good (and the husband agrees).

I'm hoping that I can take it on its maiden voyage tomorrow, after a bit of deforestation at the beautician's first. It's one thing to inflict my pale legs on an unsuspecting public, but when they're pale AND furry, then I'm sure I'm breaching one Geneva convention or another.

One last thing. As I was standing in the queue to pay for my WW meeting today, there was a new member puzzling over whether to buy the Points Guide or the Supermarket Guide. I nudged her and told her that in my experience, I found the Points Guide more useful. She thanked me and asked how I was doing. I told her how much I'd lost since last February and she seemed stunned. She told me that I must be close to goal. I said I was about 8 or so kilos away and she seemed stunned by that too. Then she paid for her books and wandered off.

As I paid for my meeting, she came up to me again.

"Do they have inspirational buddies at Weight Watchers?" she asked.
"Er, I guess not. Why?"
"Because I want you to be mine."

Awww, shucks.


ladymisstree | 09:27 PM | Take a bite (13)

04 January 2005
:: Week 47 - This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius ::

A welcome .5kg (1.1lb) loss this week, leaving me with only 8.6kg (18.9lb) to go. Even the girl at the weigh in desk was impressed as she wrote '27kg' (59.5lb) as my total loss.

Half a pound away from 60lb (27.2kg) gone. It's not a bad place to start for the new year.

Of course, if I'd shown half the discipline Kimba had, I would have kicked much booty on Bootcamp. But I'm pretty pleased with how I went and I'm glad that the effort I put in this week helped peel off the weight I put on last week (believe me, the scales told an UGLY story!)

But there's a reason for the title of this entry. My next goal? To be a flower child. A 60s girl. Like Mia, I want to be shagadelic, baby!

60s.gif
If you want to use this image, right click and Save As!

Unlike Mia, I'm not going to set a time frame for this, I've not set any yet and I'm not going to start now (although becoming a 60s girl in time for my one year anniversary with WW would kick much arse).

I'm going to do what I did for the Bahama Mama Challenge, since that helped to peel 12kg off me. I'm going to keep up the exercise, rain, hail or shine. I'm going to track everything. I'll do my best to stick within my points. I'm going to drink around 3 litres of water a day.

If I fall off the wagon, I'll shrug my shoulders and get right back on again. I'll focus on eating fresh, nutritious food and keeping my no-fail environment.

In essence, I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing since I started this journey last February. It's worked this far. Here's to flower-power and a new leather jacket!


ladymisstree | 10:36 PM | Take a bite (8)

28 December 2004
:: Week 46 - The Bitch Is Back ::

I'm back in the saddle again. No weigh in this week, all the WW meetings in this area are closed for the holidays. I stood on my scales around weigh-in time yesterday afternoon and the news was not good.

It's also TTOM (guess what I got for Christmas...) and a fair chunk of the weight will be water. But the rest of it will be turkey, Christmas pudding, custard and all the other treats I inhaled over the past week.

But I'm back on track as of yesterday. I'm tracking my points again. I'm exercising daily again, and I'm boosting my walks to an hour a day, since I'm off work until the 4th. I'm making sure that I get all my water again. I'm eating the right mix of foods again.

The kitchen has been emptied of leftovers, treats and whatever other Christmas food was lurking around in there. Hell, I even threw out mince pies, which for me is a revelation. OK, so they weren't great mince pies, but still, it's a big step for me!

It's been hard. My body and mind have been partying hearty for a week and they don't really want to go back to healthy living again. I don't know when good eating and exercise becomes so habitual that you stop thinking about it, but I really hope it's soon. If that could kick around about the same time as the improved body image, I'll be a very happy rabbit.

But every time I think about falling off the wagon again, I just remember how miserable it was to be over 100kg and how far I've come. It seems to be working.

This last week of 2004 is my chance to make the first week of 2005 a great start to the rest of my journey.


ladymisstree | 12:22 PM | Take a bite (8)

20 December 2004
:: Week 45 - A Christmas Miracle ::

Behold, a great Christmas miracle has occurred (and it had nothing to do with virgin births or oil lasting for eight days).

And lo, did Tree go to her Weight Watchers meeting to stand on the scales and be judged. The gods of weight loss looked down upon her humble and overstuffed head and rendered their judgement.

She looked upon their judgement and saw it was good.

Be buggered if I know how I managed this because I got on my scales this morning and they told me that I'd put on a kilo (which is what they had told me earlier in the week too--bad Tree, wicked Tree, no biscuit). But when I got on the scales at the meeting today, I had LOST!

Only .1kg (.2lb), but still a completely unexpected loss. Stranger things do happen, indeed!

74.1kg (163.3lb) is a nice place to be just before the onslaught of Christmas. I have some room to move if I do put on weight over Christmas, and if I don't then I'll be starting the new year with less than 10kg to go to goal.

A very nice place indeed.

I can do this. I'm feeling good about this. 2005 is going to be my year, the year I reach goal.

I'm having a bit of a dilemma about one of my goal rewards, though. I promised myself lingerie when I reached goal and the moment I saw it, I promised myself this (click on the second and third images on the left).

Problem is, they've just been released in Australia. I'm worried that there won't be anything left when I finally hit goal (hopefully in April). Do I buy some of it now and hope that I shrink into it or do I wait and hope they have some left when I get there? Help! What should I do?


ladymisstree | 06:10 PM | Take a bite (13)

13 December 2004
:: Week 44 - To my WW leader, with love ::

"But how do you thank someone,
who's taken you from crayons to perfume?"

Please excuse the cheesy lyric, but I had some good news and some bad news today.

The good news? 1.3kg (2.8lb) gone this week! Woo hoo! I'm guessing the gain last week must have been some sort of water retention spike or something like that. Not surprising considering all the booze and salty crap I ate.

The bad news?

I've ranted about WW leaders before.

I have one of the best around at my meeting. I've said before that I'm considering founding a major religion dedicated to Katherine and if you went to her meetings, you'd know why.

The bad news is that she won't be leading our meetings any more.

So I thought I'd dedicate this one to her.

Dear Katherine

First of all, congratulations! I know you've been working hard at this teaching gig and it's wonderful news that you have a full time job teaching. You've put in a lot of hard work and dedication and it's paid off, you deserve it.

Of course, the selfish part of me wishes you could have that AND the meetings. I've been to a lot of meetings in my time and you transformed them for me. You showed a passion and a professionalism and a dedication that I'd not seen before. It inspired me and taught me a very important lesson. Not just that WW can work, but that I could make it work for ME.

You showed me that I was worth the effort, that this was a lifestyle change I could incorporate into my life and that I'm now reaping the benefits of.

Most of all, you listen.

You don't judge, you don't make shit up and you're always honest. If you don't know the answer, you don't make something up to make yourself look good. You tell us that you don't know and then you go find out. And you come back the following week and share.

You don't look at me like I'm crazy when I ask you questions like, "When do I stop feeling like a fat chick?" You take everyone's questions seriously and you reassure, you inform and you don't let left-field questions throw you.

Your passion is evident in the way you stay informed about weight loss in general, not just weight loss from a WW perspective. You are always honest about the material and the products WW gives you and you teach us that WW is just a tool to help us get to where we want to be, it's not the be all and end all.

Your meetings are more than just the material regurgitated. They're thoughtful and enlightening, even when you are winging it. You bring enough personal experience and draw enough experience from the group to reveal new insights in every meeting.

You understand that this journey is not just about points and exercise, it's about living and creating a new way of life for yourself that involve changes in your head, not just your eating habits.

It's also little things like remembering people's names, keeping on top of how people are doing and making everyone, without exception, feel welcome and feel like they can do it.

You maintain a sense of humour, no matter what. I'm in awe of your people handling skills and how you manage to keep such a disparate group of people focused and inspired.

Could I have done it without you?

I seriously don't think so.

Sure, the WW plan works for people, but only once they have seen how to make it fit into their lifestyle. Too many leaders just spout the party line and expect you to hammer a square peg into a round hole. You revealed how to make it work for each and every one of us. Your passion for food showed me that I wasn't destined for a life of low-fat cheese and rabbit food. You showed me how to incorporate REAL food into my diet and still lose weight.

More importantly, you showed me that success wasn't always choosing the fruit platter for dessert. Success was doing the best you could as often as you could and accepting that while perfection was nice, we're only human. Success was living and living as well and as healthily as we can. Moderation in all things (including moderation - as Oscar Wilde once said).

Without that, and your forthrightness and honesty and humour, I would have given up on WW long ago.

Now you've not taken me from crayons to perfume, but you've taken me from over 100kg to under 75kg and still shrinking. You've taken me from a size 20 to a size 14. And you've taken me from thinking that I could never do this to not just thinking that I could, but actually doing it.

I wish you could be there to help me get to goal, but this is where I have to show you that you've taught me well.

Those kids you'll be teaching won't know how good they have it. If you demonstrate only a tenth of the passion and dedication you've shown to me in the classroom, you'll be transforming lives just like you've helped to transform mine.

It's been an absolute pleasure to attend your meetings and I'm going to miss you terribly. But, if you keep up the Port Melbourne meetings, when I get to goal, you can bet that I'll come swanning in there one Tuesday night to show you.

I owe you more than I can possibly express here.

Thank you.


ladymisstree | 07:32 PM | Take a bite (6)

06 December 2004
:: Week 43 - She's a super freak, super freak ::

Well, not really. Just human like everyone else.

I mean, after my last binge plus a weekend where I attended four different social events all centred around drinking and eating (including two 16 point mugs of egg nog on Sunday...), if I had done anything OTHER than gain, I would clearly be a freak of gigantic proportions.

A gain of .5kg (1.1lb) is not too bad (I won the bet, Mina, but only for half the amount I expected!), but it's still not a great way to start the month of December.

I'm really going to have to watch what goes into my mouth the next few weeks. Had I known that I was going to schlork down THIRTY TWO POINTS in two mugs of egg nog, I think I would have stuck to my water.

Oh, who am I kidding, I would have just had half a mug. Maybe.

It was really good nog.

Fortunately, this week is quiet. So far I only have dinner out with a friend who is vegetarian, so if I play my cards right, I can have a scrummy dinner with barely any points in it.

I need to focus hard on my goal. To be 75kg (165.3lb) the first week of January. I know I can do it, I just have to remind myself every time I'm about to stick something in my face.

I have also come to an uncomfortable realisation.

I've mentioned a couple of times that in my previous WW attempts, I never counted sugary points. It all got too hard because I consumed so many of them. Usually in fermented or brewed liquid form.

This time, no drinkies with dinner, fewer nights out at the pub, no after dinner shots or pre dinner cocktails and I'm counting sugary points religiously. And I'm losing really well.

I was on the phone to a dear friend who moved to London a year ago. She was complaining that she had a hangover, the first she'd had since she left Australia. She said that she hadn't been drinking as much because she was a Billy-No-Mates and didn't have anyone to go out on the piss with.

Neither do I. And I'm losing weight.

I'm beginning to think that alcohol played a really big part in my weight gain. Not that I was an alcoholic or anything scary like that, but previously there would be Friday night pub o'clock at work (with nibblies), regular sessions at the local pub gossiping and hashing out issues (with nibblies--and I should point out that I really, REALLY miss the hashing out part) and other opportunities to imbibe.

Nowadays, I'd be lucky to have one drink a week.

I'm not missing it hugely, and I enjoy it very much when I do have a quiet one or two. But I'm thinking that a large part of what I gained this week was related to the amount of sugar I drank (there was an AWFUL lot of it).

Hmmmm, food for thought.

For those who've asked, I did indeed complete NaNoWriMo this year. The result isn't hideous, but it is currently unedited. If you want to have a look, or even a read, it's here. I've already had some lovely feedback about it from a total stranger, which is completely cool in a weird sort of way. So let me know what you think!


ladymisstree | 08:53 PM | Take a bite (4)

30 November 2004
:: Week 42 - Hey, I could get up and back, right on track ::

A loss of .1kg (.2lb) makes for a total of 2kg (4.4lb) for the past two weeks. And that in spite of our lovely Thanksgiving dinner and a brief spell of insanity on Sunday at the Chapel St Festival in which I consumed wedges, nachos and a scoop of white chocolate and cherry and a scoop of honey baklava ice cream from Baskin Robbins (the white chocolate and cherry was meh, nasty maraschino cherries, but the honey baklava... sweet skateboarding Christ was it good!)

So it appears my system has settled down and I'm exercising again. And it feels GOOD!

It also means that I really have achieved my next goal of losing 25kg. Woo! It feels REALLY GOOD! I'm treating myself to a couple of new skins for my ladymisstree.com site from Joelle at BlogMoxie. Sexay!

So I have a plan for the holidays. It's pretty simple.

My plan is that this week's weight is what I want to be for my first weigh in of the new year. If I can still be 75kg in the first week of January, then I'll be extremely happy.

I intend to keep eating sensibly and doing exercise all the way through December. However, I am not going to deny myself for Christmas. I'm not going to go overboard, but this way I can have a little bit of everything, enjoy myself and not feel deprived. I'm not pressuring myself to lose anything for the next four weeks, just not to gain.

If, by some freakish miracle, I do manage to lose, of course I'll be thrilled. If I do gain, I will be disappointed, but I'll work it off in January. My goal is to simply maintain and enjoy the holiday season.

January, I'll go at it again, hard core. I would like to be at goal for my 33rd birthday in April (and for Beckie's 30th in May!), so I'll have around 15 weeks to lose the remaining 10kg.

I might be dreaming with this one, but I'll aim for it and whatever I manage to lose in that time will be good.

I think the maintenance is achievable, I hope being at goal for my birthday is achievable.

Something I never thought would ever be achievable? Walking into the Alannah Hill store on Chapel St, pulling out a size 14 silk brocade overcoat and it fitting perfectly. Even the button over my hips did up without pulling! I nearly died on the spot! Then I looked at the price tag. And promptly died on the spot.

I might fit into her gear now, but I don't think I can afford to!


ladymisstree | 12:38 PM | Take a bite (11)

22 November 2004
:: Week 41 - Nothing to see here ::

As I mentioned in my last entry, this week's weigh in doesn't count because I haven't actually digested food properly in a week.

It wasn't as bad as earlier in the week, at one point I thought I had lost 4kg (8.8lb), but some careful eating and some clogging up medicine meant that something actually stuck to my ribs today. So the scales say 1.9kg (4.1lb) gone, but we'll see what they actually read next week.

Even if I gain .5kg (1.1lb) over the next week, then I will have hit my 25kg (55lb) lost goal. YAY! I won't update it yet, because this is just a pretendy loss and my poor malnourished body may pack on everything I've lost just to replenish some of the nutrients I've lost over the past two weeks.

I made the fatal mistake of overindulging last night. My brother hosted a little Australian Idol party and we had pizza (six slices), garlic foccacia (2 slices) and chocolate mousse with Flake sprinkled on top.

You know what they say, a minute on the lips, a lifetime in the bathroom! (At least in my case, anyway.) It was SO not worth the agonising gut cramps I had for the rest of the evening and I nearly missed the announcement of the winner (Go Casey! You beautiful creature!) after my body decided that I was a complete moron for eating this junk and that it was going to be evicted, pronto.

I have been a much more sensible Tree today and had nice, plain, starchy, fibre-filled food to help slow down the helter skelter that is my digestive system. Yummy porridge (oatmeal) for breakfast made with water and flavoured with cinnamon and a tiny bit of sugar, some couscous and fresh veggies for lunch and plain pasta for dinner. I also had some fresh fruit for snacks.

So far, so good. No pain and it seems to have stayed inside long enough for me to derive some nutritional benefit from it.

I'll avoid dairy and anything too spicy for the next couple of days and by the end of the week, I should be set.

I've bought a stash of supplements suggested by my naturopath and I'll start downing those soon.

I'll stick to just a half hour walk each day, I'm still getting dizzy if I stand up too quickly so I'm clearly not ready for a tough workout yet.

But here is the plan. This week, I'll be off any and all medications and my digestive system WILL settle down.

Next week I want to have 25kg (55lb) still gone and the end will be in sight.

I've already got people telling me I should stop losing where I am now, but I'm not done yet. Not sure if my final goal is 70kg or 65kg (as per WW and the BMI tables), I'll find out when I get there. But it's so close now I can bloody taste it.

And you know what? I never thought I'd ever say this, but NOTHING tastes as good as being thin feels!


ladymisstree | 08:42 PM | Take a bite (4)

15 November 2004
:: Week 40 - A quiet night in ::

A little loss of .3kg (.6lb) this week. Not surprising considering the pizza incident.

Or the little incident that had me rushed off to the emergency ward of the Alfred Hospital last night...

Yesterday afternoon, I thought I only had one life-threatening food allergy.

By about 11 o'clock Sunday night, I was abundantly aware that I had two.

A couple of years ago, I was rushed to hospital in London with anaphylactic shock (the technical term for a lethal food allergy). It was not pretty and I assumed that if I avoided eating pistachios for the rest of my life, I would be fine.

Bzzzt. Thank you for playing. Next contestant please!

Last night, I was feeling a bit peckish after dinner (grilled salmon with stir fried Chinese vegetables on rice - yummy!) and I wanted something sweet. I had two mangoes ripening on my kitchen window sill and one of them was perfect.

Mangoes. They are sex in the form of fruit. If you've never eaten one before, I pity you. The weight of them in your hand, firm and fleshy, slightly warmed from ripening in the sun. The perfect shape of them, like one gorgeously shaped butt cheek. The soft perfumed fragrance. When you slice one open, it runs with sweet perfumed juice. And then the flesh, the soft, delicate flesh that melts against your tongue.

It reads like porn, doesn't it? But that's just what eating a mango is all about. They're best eaten naked, in the bath, because they're messy and delicious and should be enjoyed with utter abandon.

So I picked up my perfect mango and I sliced it open and I gorged myself on it. I got juice all over my face and hands. I sucked the flesh off the stone and scraped it off the inside of the skin with my teeth.

It was fabulous.

It had to be. It was probably the last mango I'll ever eat.

About half an hour after I'd eaten it, I felt a familar tingling in the palms of my hands. Then it developed in the soles of my feet. Then my lips and tongue started to tingle.

Oh fuck.

I knew this feeling. It would be followed by my lips and tongue swelling and welts all over my body and, if I didn't seek immediate medical treatment, death.

I told my husband and he told me to sit quietly and see if it really was an allergic reaction or just me over reacting. I had him check my body every couple of minutes for welts. I could feel my tongue and lips start to swell.

He lifted my shirt again. He told me to ring an ambulance.

All the while, I tried to think of what the hell had set this off. I'd not eaten any pistachios. Nothing even resembling them. Maybe the mangoes had come in contact with some pistachios and by scraping the flesh off the skin, I'd inadvertantly consumed some nut particles. Perhaps the new medication triggered new food allergies.

I waited for the ambulance and was whisked off to hospital where they asked me the same questions over and over again while they put me on oxygen and slammed a drip into my arm to administer steroids to fight the reaction.

By this stage, I was covered in hives, from my scalp to my feet. My skin was red and pebbled with them and itched like nothing you've ever experienced. My lips and tongue were so swollen they distorted my face and I couldn't talk properly.

I couldn't figure out for the life of me how this had happened. The nursing staff had no answers for me, they just kept administering steroids until the reaction finally faded several hours later.

For the record, it turns out that pistachios, cashews and mangoes are from the same species, a species that includes poison ivy and poison oak.

I'm a little bit fragile today. I wrote a messy, rambling entry on my other blog that you can read here, but the gist of it was this episode has really messed with my head.

I'm off to an immunologist to get to the bottom of these allergies and to ensure I carry medication with me at all times to help treat them should I accidentally eat something with pistachios or mangoes in it.

In the meantime, I need to focus on getting well and surviving all the fun stuff life is throwing me. Ah, at least it's never a dull moment with me! But if you have any spare hugs you can throw my way, I'd appreciate each and every one of them.


ladymisstree | 09:59 PM | Take a bite (19)

09 November 2004
:: Week 39 - Drag queens & disco divas ::

"Strong enough to walk on through the night
There's a new day on the other side
'Cause I got hope, in my soul
And I'll keep on walkin' baby"

- Relight My Fire

Ahhh, striding around my local park, old skool disco beats pounding away, my feet matching the rhythm and cheesy but inspirational lyrics in my head.

Oh, how I love thee, iPod!

I think it's this that let me enjoy a .4kg (.9lb) loss this week, despite Saturday's effort. Those beats are BRUTAL, let me tell you. Go on, go for a walk listening to The Weather Girls singing 'It's Raining Men' and tell me if you can keep up with the beat! I know I can't.

One of the comments I received after I mentioned the depression mentioned using music to help lift your mood. They were absolutely right. I throw on disk one of the 1995 Gay & Lesbian Mardi Gras Party Themes CD and with the Jackson Five exhorting 'Can You Feel It' and Sister Sledge joyfully celebrating 'We Are Family' and Cheryl Lynne telling me it's 'Got To Be Real', not only am I setting a blinding pace, I'm almost dancing as I do it.

I can barely keep from bopping along and scaring the little old ladies walking their dogs. Heaven forbid if I'm singing along!

So yeah, feeling pretty good right now. Some days are better than others, this one's a good one.

We were talking about cholesterol in my last WW meeting and my wonderful leader, Katherine (for whom I'm tempted to begin a major religion because she is a complete goddess) mentioned that her cholesterol had gone up after she'd lost a heap of weight too. Family history of it, blah, blah, blah.

I immediately wanted to know what she had done to lower it. Apparently hard core cardio vascular exercise had dropped her levels enough to not require medication.

She's a runner, which I'll never be with my weak ankles and bad lower back, but cycling or swimming could do the trick. I'm going to wait until I've lost some more weight, then I'll try adding some real cardio to the mix and see if it makes a difference.

And because the delicious Nurse Beckie asked, here are some photos of me on race day, complete with fake tan!

racefront.JPG       raceback.JPG

ladymisstree | 07:44 PM | Take a bite (10)

01 November 2004
:: Week 38 - Doctor, doctor, give me the news ::

The good news is that so far the Lexapro doesn't seem to be hindering my weight loss. 1.1kg (2.4lb) gone this week, which also takes me to over 50lbs lost and leaves me only 2.1kg (4.6lb) from my next goal. Booyah! Take that, stupid anti-depressant side effects!

Not only that, but my BMI is now 29, which means I'm officially merely overweight instead of obese!

But, of course, that's merely the icing on the cake...

Yep, you guessed it, race day frock photos!

race2.JPG       race1.jpg

Fear my inner glamourpuss!

"So Chenille, what do you have for us today?"

"Well, Janelle, Ladymisstree is modelling a lovely, black floral satin, backless, halter neck cocktail dress with diamante buckle detail that gathers at the hip and falls to an asymmetrical hemline. She's also wearing a lovely fascinator with flowers and feathers that are colour co-ordinated with her frock. Finally, the outfit is pulled together with delightful floral sandals with an elegant kitten heel. She'll also be wearing obscene quantities of Hollywood Fashion Tape to prevent any Fashions On The Field faux pas."

According to the current weather predictions for next Saturday, I can expect to die from either hypothermia or exposure, but at least I'll leave a glamorous corpse!


ladymisstree | 08:11 PM | Take a bite (17)

25 October 2004
:: Week 37 - Mood Indigo ::

A tiny little gain this week, .1kg (.2lb). Almost not worth remarking on, considering that we had a family celebration yesterday and it's the week before TTOM, when I traditionally retain water.

But there may be something else behind it. And that something else may be responsible for a huge slow-down (or, gods forbid, stopping) of my progress.

This is difficult.

All the perky entries, all the perky comments?

Well, it's been a big, fat lie.

Not the content, that's all been genuine.

The perky.

For the last couple of months, I've been slowly spiralling down into a hole.

This is normal for me around Winter. I suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I'm used to being a bit blue during Winter. Then Spring hits and everything is fine again.

Not this year.

This year, the black dog kept following me around and despite receiving some wonderful news, being financially solvent and being in the best shape of my life, I was getting more and more depressed.

Not even my race day frock has given me any real joy.

This was more than the 'Winter Blues', this was serious.

But, being the sort of girl that I am, I couldn't let anyone know this was going on. You see, I didn't want to trouble anyone, I had to be there for other people. And I certainly couldn't admit to being depressed.

I know, I know, it's stupid, but that's how my crazy little head works.

So, before my husband killed me with his bare hands (believe me when I say there were days when I deserved it), I took myself off to the doctor and I'm currently on anti-depressants while I get myself sorted out with a therapist. And the most common side-effect of every single anti-depressant on the market? Weight gain.

I've spoken to my WW leader about it. She has many people in her groups who are trying to lose while taking SSRIs. She estimates about a third don't have any problems still losing, while about two thirds find their weight loss slows right down. I've got my fingers crossed I'm one of the third, but I'm preparing myself to be part of the two thirds.

If any of you out there are doing this while taking an SSRI, I'd love to hear about your experiences. If you want to remain anonymous (and believe me, I understand if you do), the 'Talk to me baby' link in the top right is an email link. Any help or advice you can offer would be most appreciated.

It was hard to admit to the doctors and it's hard to admit to you all. But I need to do it, because I'm starting to feel like a complete phony. If I can't be completely honest here, where can I be?

It's been a struggle to maintain my progress lately. Dragging myself out of bed to do pilates or weights or to leave the house to walk has been an effort that's almost been beyond me. The only thing that has kept me going is the burning desire not to be depressed AND fat. And I suspect the endorphins from the exercise have been keeping me functioning better than I should have been.

But, I'm hugely inspired by all of you and I wanted to give some shout-outs to a couple of you who've really helped me (unwittingly) through this.

Nicole & PL, I get your current experiences more than you'll ever know (and more than I'll ever reveal in my comments). I'm struggling to swim along with you both.

Kimba, your determination in the face of what must feel like impossible odds is a total inspiration to me. I'll be drawing on your strength and determination for the next couple of months. Monkeys make EVERYTHING better.

Beckie, you are a beacon, a light in the darkness. You make me laugh and I love your spirit. You bring sparkles and glamour and joi de vivre. Bring on the taboo!

Sarah, every now and again you'll post something, like your inner voice or about checking out your own arse and it's an absolute corker. I laughed out loud at the last one. SeXy indeed!

DG, I love the way you write and every one of your entries is a delight. Except for the most recent one with that damned Rococo chocolate. Sweet creamy Christ on a cracker, woman... I need me some of that rose milk chocolate, for medicinal purposes, of course!

And the rest of you, I devour your entries like a junkie on crack. You keep me tethered to my purpose and I owe you all hugely for it.

I will fight this and I'll keep at this whole weight loss gig. Hell, it's the one thing I have control over at the moment and I'm not going to let some happy pill derail me. So, for a while at least, it's better living through chemistry and a little head-shrinking. Wish me luck.


ladymisstree | 06:58 PM | Take a bite (12)

19 October 2004
:: Week 36 - When the numbers just don't add up ::

A .6kg loss this week. Very nice, thank you very much, I'm firmly in 70s land now.

Better yet, it was time to take the tape measure out on Saturday and I registered a delightful 16cm (6.2") overall loss. Lovely.

So why the gloomy title for this entry?

Well, I was waiting on the result of a much more important number this week. And the news is not good.

One of the reasons I'm doing this is because I have a family history of high cholesterol and I had fairly high cholesterol myself. Not high enough for medication, but high.

I wanted to bring it down with diet and exercise. So, as you all know, I've been steadily losing weight, eating well and exercising.

So you'd think that my results would have me over the moon.

Not so.

My cholesterol levels have actually INCREASED.

Now, before I flung myself into traffic in dispair, my doctor reassured me that it is mostly my 'good' cholesterol (the HDL cholesterol) that had increased. I'd only had a tiny increase in the 'bad' cholesterol (the LDL cholesterol). With my family history of high cholesterol, there's not a whole lot I can do. The odds are stacked against me.

Not only that, but I'm not a smoker, I don't have diabetes and there's no family history of heart disease. So I'm not really at risk.

But my levels are now over the minimum for medication.

She's giving me another six months to work at this with diet and exercise. I've looked at some literature and there's not a lot more I can do to change what I'm eating other than to reduce the amount of cheese I eat (and substitute other forms of protein and dairy) and be more militant about trimming fat off meat. In six months, I hope to be at goal.

In six months, I'd like to have my cholesterol at a managable level. Because otherwise, I'm on medication for the rest of my life.

Yes, photos are forthcoming. However, you don't get to see the dress until the hat is ready. And then, I promise, photos galore!


ladymisstree | 04:43 PM | Take a bite (9)

11 October 2004
:: Week 35 - Well you can tell by the way I use my walk ::

I'm a 70s girl, no time to talk!

For the first time in 10 years, the number on the scales today began with a 7. I lost a massive 1.3kg (2.8lb) this week to make me a delightful 79.3. Safely into 70s territory and my lowest recorded weight.

Also, well into 20 points territory! It's going to take a while to get used to losing those 2 extra points each day, but who's complaining?

We've finally been paid, so I treated myself to my past three goal rewards, an iPod and a watch (which comes with another two bands).

I've spent the last couple of days burning my many CDs to the iPod and creating playlists (the workout playlist is a disco divas wet dream) and faffing around with it.

But what I've really spent the past couple of days doing is gutting my house.

I have this deep, burning desire to clear away clutter, throw out anything I haven't touched in the last 6 months and empty my life of excess stuff (which, for a Taurus, is quite a leap).

Witness my 'Cheap to a good home' post (and there's still plenty of good stuff available, help me pay off the credit card!) emptying out my wardrobe. In addition to the stuff I've listed, there's three bags of t-shirts, underwear and other bits and pieces not worth selling but good enough for charity (there was yet another bag of stuff that just got tossed). And that was JUST the main bedroom.

I'm going to work my way through the house, emptying out all the junk that has accumulated around the place and donate most of it to charity.

I'm not quite sure what's triggered this, but I've firmly believed that you make room in your life for new things to come into it.

I'm in a new place in my life. I'm ready for new things.


ladymisstree | 07:21 PM | Take a bite (11)

04 October 2004
:: Week 34 - We have a loser! ::

Ladies and gentlemen, in the red corner, weighing in at a measly 80.6kg (177.7lbs) down 1kg from last week, we have Lady Miss Tree! [cue wild cheering]

I feel unadulterated glee at this. I'm .6kg away from my lowest recorded weight and .7kg away from being a 70s girl. I've achieved another goal (and about bloody time too, I've cracked the face of my watch and need a new one desperately!)This is a good place to be.

20kg lost. 44lb gone never to darken my door again. I did a little exercise just to see what this means.

Do this for me. Go to Google (don't worry, I won't go anywhere) and enter this into the search box "weighs xx lb" where xx equals the weight you've lost. Convert your weight to kg (or vice versa) and search again. See what you've lost.

I've lost:

  • a female orang-utan

  • an elephant's heart

  • a baby bottle-nosed dolphin

  • QANTAS' luggage limit

  • a bale of hay

  • a 3ft punching bag

  • an average six year old child

I've also lost 80 blocks of butter, 80 marmoset monkeys and 4 oriental small-clawed otters.

All I need to do is shed another 3 oriental small-clawed otters and I'll be at goal.

And will probably smell less fishy.


ladymisstree | 11:01 PM | Take a bite (10)

28 September 2004
:: Week 33 - Maintaining, just ::

Didn't gain, didn't lose. All good when you're eating for a family of three and doing no exercise.

Seriously, I knew I didn't have a handle on my emotional eating and maybe I never will. And I know this was an extraordinary situation (it better bloody be, if it happens again, I'm taking hostages) and that I can't beat myself up for making poor choices. But this was a seriously tough week and it shook me up in unexpected ways.

I found myself contemplating my body as if it were an alien entity. This body could not be mine, it was causing me too much pain! MY body wouldn't do that to me, this must be an alien body! (Seriously, on a scale of 1 to 10, the pain was an 11 and you're talking to someone who has experienced 2nd & 3rd degree burns, I know from pain.)

Not only that, but it was such intimate pain. I felt completely asexual and separate from myself. When my husband stroked my back to soothe me, I was shocked at the gentleness of his touch. Previously, the touch of others had only bought pain.

I even had my usual coping strategies taken away. I couldn't sit and read blogs or watch TV or read. I couldn't go for a relaxing walk. I couldn't snuggle comfortably with my husband. I couldn't even take a long, hot, bubbly bath. The bath had to be a particular temperature and couldn't contain anything that would irritate the wound.

I know this all sounds like hyperbole for an overachieving haemorrhoid, but this is what was going through my head and this is what lead me to eating the way I did. Almost an entire large, deep-pan, seafood pizza, an entire serving of Thai red duck curry, cakes, snacks, chocolate, utter rubbish.

On top of all of that food, I couldn't exercise. Now, I splurge. I let myself have things that most dieters would blanch at. But I do sufficient exercise that it allows me to still lose weight. And I'm totally cognisant of the fact that should I stop exercising, I will not be able to eat the way I do because I will gain weight pretty quickly.

Last week I felt totally out of control and helpless because my coping mechanisms weren't there anymore. I didn't even want to go to WW on Monday, I was still too out of it and too worried about the damage I'd inflicted.

Fortunately, the damage was minimal to my weight loss. I'm slowly healing and I've started gently exercising again.

The thing that has shocked me most is that something so small, so seemingly insignificant, can wreak such havoc on your best laid plans.

And if you get nothing else out of this entry, for the love of all that's holy, GET ENOUGH FIBRE! I cannot emphasise that enough. If you are suffering from the slightest constipation, do something about it. Trust me, you do NOT want this. I would not wish what I went through on my worst enemies.


ladymisstree | 05:56 PM | Take a bite (8)

22 September 2004
:: Week 32 - When metabolisms attack! ::

Before I get onto my late weigh-in (sorry, life keeps happening at me recently and I've no time to update), I thought I'd share a bit of external validation with you.

I needed a new sports bra to keep the girls under control and I thought I'd need to be measured to figure out what size I was now. I told the girl there that I thought I was a 14DD. She squinted at me and said, "I would have said a 12..."

I resisted the urge to offer to have her children.

Then it was off to work where someone I've been working with since October last year turned to me and said, "You're looking so good! You can really see how much you've lost!"

And finally, I donated blood today and they make you weigh in. I told the nurse on duty my current weight and that I had been watching my weight. She frowned at me. "So you're telling me you've lost 7kg (15.4lb) in the 10 weeks since you last donated just through diet and exercise?"

Yes, bitch, I have! (Well, I didn't say the 'bitch' part...)

So onto the weigh in. And before I tell you, I'd just like to explain that I think my metabolism is on crack. Why?

Because I managed to lose 1.4kg (3lb) last week.

WTF?

I have no idea how I managed this. The only thing I can put it down to is ramping up the exercise this month. I've doubled the weights I'm lifting and I've got copies of the Winsor Pilates Power Sculpting Ab and Buns & Thighs workouts.

Which brings me to my next bone of contention.

Sweet merciful crap.

Mari Winsor is out to kill me.

That woman was a Spanish Inquisitor in a previous life. The way she chirpily wanders around saying inane things like, "I bet you're feeling that!" or "I know it really hurts, but it's worth it!" with a smile and demonic hellfire in her eyes. She's eeeeeeeeeevil!

Yes, Mari, I AM feeling it! Here, let me shove white hot pokers up your arse and jiggle them around a bit so that you can see how much I'm feeling it!

And as for it being 'worth it' and that I can expect 'dramatic results' if I do this two or three times a week, for the pain I'm going through, these are the sorts of dramatic results I'm bloody well expecting!

beforebutt.jpg         afterbutt.jpg
Butts have been changed to protect identities.
No butts were harmed in the creation of this entry.

And just for the record, doing searches on Google for 'before' photos of liposuction patients and calling out to your husband, "Hon, does this look like my butt?" ranks pretty damn high on the freak-o-meter.


ladymisstree | 03:52 PM | Take a bite (7)

13 September 2004
:: Week 31 - Gonna take you right into the danger zone ::

Just when you thought I was done with the bad 80s lyrics...

A gain this week. A measly .1kg (.2lb), but a gain.

There's a reason why I've used this lyric.

I've been here twice before. I've bounced between the same couple of kilos here twice before. I've given up here twice before.

I mentioned a couple of entries ago that I need to be more focused than ever. This gain reminds me that I can't slack off here. I need to remain vigilant.

The gain is not a gigantic surprise. We went to the movies twice this week (popcorn, choc tops and lollies), ate Chinese one night and I spent the afternoon in the pub with an old friend yesterday. And no, I wasn't drinking pints of water.

While I was still within my points mostly, the popcorn probably helped me retain water, as would the alcohol. There were too many little slips this week.

I mostly made good choices, but it's easy at this point to let things slip. To not count that splash of olive oil in the pan, to underestimate the points in that steak, to slap some butter on that potato.

My body feels comfortable here. I think it likes being at this weight. I'm not ready to be comfortable here, though. Sure, I have bought smaller clothes and I need a belt on just about everything else I own or I'll be arrested for public nudity. But I'm a long way from being done.

The first time I got to this weight, I bounced up and down between 80kg and 85kg and then I just gave up because it was all too much like hard work. I had joined WW thinking that I would lose weight without any effort, I would somehow reach goal through fat osmosis or something.

The second time I got around this weight, my then boyfriend had just emigrated to Australia and moved in, I was celebrating my 30th and I was taking a month off work. I got distracted (unsurprisingly), lost sight of my goals and fell back into bad habits. My weight wavered again between 80kg and 85kg before finally shooting into the stratosphere to my highest weight ever.

I won't let that happen again. If I bite it, I'll write it. I'll be more disciplined about my choices. I'm NOT going to bounce between 80kg and 85kg again. I'm going to slowly chip away at this, get over this hill and make a new start as a 70s girl.

Guess I'll have to start researching some new 70s lyrics.


ladymisstree | 10:01 PM | Take a bite (3)

06 September 2004
:: Week 30 - Whoa, I’m halfway there... ::

Bad 80s hair band moment there, but I've dropped.7kg (1.5lb) to make it past the halfway mark to my WW goal weight!

Check this out...

Start Weight          Halfway Point
Start Weight                                    Halfway Point

GO ME!

I even did the 'halfway there' boogie on the scales at the meeting.

So much for me whining that I wasn't going to lose any weight yesterday, serves me bloody right for getting on the scale mid-week anyway. See, this is why I tell people just to weigh in once a week. Just when you think you know what your body is up to and what it’s going to do next, it throws a curve ball.

Mind you, I didn't use it as an excuse to hurl myself off the wagon, I did use it to refocus on my goals and establish what I was aiming for next. It felt good to have smaller goals to aim for. The 5kg goals are good, but sometimes the next 5kg looks like it's a long way away.

I won't get back on the scales mid-week, scout’s honour. Well, at least until the next time. I think I'm just going to give up on trying to understand how my body works and just hang on for the ride.

P.S. My favourite 3/4 length jeans that I only started fitting into in July, can now be slid off my hips without undoing the buttons or zip. Looks like I need to go shopping...


ladymisstree | 07:54 PM | Take a bite (11)

30 August 2004
:: Week 29 - Finally facing my Waterloo ::

Finally, a gain.

Not a big surprise, it's water retention week, plus I had two big losses (read: more than 1% of my total body weight) the past two weeks, I haven't had a gain in 15 weeks and on Saturday the boy and I went wild at TGIF and then the movies.

So putting on .2kg (.4lbs) is not anything to worry about at all.

What was more remarkable was tonight's Weight Watcher's meeting.

I had two separate people tell me that I was inspirational. One commented that she'd been going to WW for 13 weeks and in that time she had seen huge changes in me.

I didn't know anyone was paying that much attention!

It's true that our lecturer did point me out a couple of weeks ago to mention that I'd lost 15kg. But I had no idea that people were actually monitoring my progress in the group. It's kind of cool, but a little bit freaky too.

I've received a couple of comments on this blog too, saying that people found me inspirational. Thank you, seriously. It's very kind of you. If my wittering, tracking, exercising and water drinking helps anyone, then that is as gratifying as the weight loss.

Katherine the lecturer also overheard me talking to some girls in the queue about how I'd eaten 2 days worth of points on Saturday. She called on me during the meeting to tell the group what I had done. For the viewers at home, Katherine was NOT trying to embarrass me, she knew I could deal with the attention and she was making a very important point that I wholly support. The point she was trying to make is that it's OK to have a giant blow out, as long as you stop it there, get back on the wagon and don't beat yourself up about it.

I've raved about this before and it's exactly what I did. Yes, on Saturday night I ate a 17.5 point burger. I drank 9 points worth of alcohol. I ate popcorn and lollies and potato skins with bacon and cheese and sour cream.

And I ENJOYED EVERY SINGLE BITE. It was delicious. I did not feel one bit of guilt or recrimination for what I'd eaten.

Most importantly, the next day, I was back on track, exercising and eating good food again.

We can't all be perfect. We have our bad days, bad weeks even. If you focus on those and beat yourself up about them, you'll freeze and never move on. Accept what's happened and move the hell on.

Who knows, by doing that, you might be inspiring someone else.


ladymisstree | 09:05 PM | Take a bite (2)

24 August 2004
:: Week 28 - In Between Days ::

Wow, I don't know what Joelle is putting in the water for the Bahama Mama Challenge, but I've lost another kilo (2.2lbs). And here I was worrying I'd put on this week because of a spectacular loss last week.

Days like today are great. The sun is shining, Spring is springing all over the place a week early and I've had a good loss.

These are the easy days. The days of the good loss, the days you achieve a goal, the days when something fits that never has before.

But most days are not like this. Most days are in between days.

You know the days I mean.

The days you can barely drag yourself out from under the covers to go for that damned walk. The days you are this close --><-- to eating your own body weight in donuts or corn chips or whatever your weakness is.

The days you just can't be bothered drinking all that damned water or counting every bite or going to the gym or taking that dietary supplement or journaling your feelings.

Or doing any of the stuff you need to do to get where you want to be.

But you do it because if you don't, you'll never get there. You plod along and grit your teeth and suck it up because you never want to go back to where you were.

The thing to remember is that it's not the glory days that get you where you need to be. Sure, they are great motivation and they help keep your eye on the prize.

It's those plodding, teeth-gritting in between days that get you to goal. So just remember, when your butt is stuck to the sofa and you feel like you just can't be arsed doing anything, it's another in between day, another day for you to take the opportunity to get closer to the finish line.


ladymisstree | 02:14 PM | Take a bite (6)

16 August 2004
:: Week 27 - Woah mama! ::

Looks like the Bahama Mama Challenge was just what I needed. The scales showed a 1.2kg (2.6lb) loss today.

Better yet, I measured myself today and there's 10.5cm (4.1") less of me than a month ago!

Go me!

In total, I've lost the following:

Neck: 3cm (1.1")
Bust: 8.5cm (3.3")
Under Bust: 6cm (2.3")
Waist: 8cm (3.1")
Belly: 16cm (6.2")
Hips: 11cm (4.3")
Thigh: 5cm (1.9")

My upper arm measurement hasn't changed, but the muscle I've put on has toned up the 'bat wings' I had a bit.

As you may have gathered from the tone of this post, the challenge and the results have left me feeling pretty chipper. It feels really nice when your hard work pays off.

Of course, with such a big loss, next week I imagine that I'll be lucky not to put on. But maybe, if I keep sticking to the challenge, I'll see more results like these.

The best part is that the challenge is not even hard. It's just re-focusing in on what I know I should be doing. Exercise, watch my portion sizes, drink water and make good food choices.

I may not be off to the Bahamas in January, but if this keeps up, I'll sure have the body for it!


ladymisstree | 09:03 PM | Take a bite (3)

09 August 2004
:: Week 26 - GOAL! ::

All those little losses, week after week, have finally added up to a magnificent 15kg (33lb) loss!

With a .8kg (1.7lb) loss, I've reached my next goal!

I danced on the scales at my WW meeting as the display came up with the magic number: 85.6kg.

Time to go shopping!

Not that I have the money to buy my next reward, but as soon as my next pay cheque comes in, I'll be off to make one of those lovely iPods mine.

Reaching this goal has been a huge lift for me. I was dreading getting on the scales and seeing another tiny loss, or worse, a gain. I feel confident about what I'm doing again. I can see the progress and I feel good about it.

I'm almost halfway there. I haven't been this weight since January 2002, more than eighteen months ago. It feels good to be back. It will feel better to keep going.

Here's to the next 5kg!


ladymisstree | 11:13 PM | Take a bite (6)

04 August 2004
:: Week 25 - Down, down, down ::

Yep, another teeny little .2kg (.4lb) loss. Chipping away, down, down the scale like Alice down the rabbit hole.

Which pretty much describes my brain for the last week.

Gah.

I know now that it's work-related. I had a client shitstorm blow up this morning and I instantly felt a million times better than I had in weeks. Even if they are giving me grief, at least I'm doing some work now and that makes me feel better.

I had to give in on Monday night, though. I had to comfort eat. I needed the comfort that a full belly gave me. Instead of just inhaling everything in sight like I used to do, I planned it carefully and took my husband out to a nice Italian restaurant where I ate a huge plate of seafood risotto. Not as bad for me as a Dorito/chocolate blowout, but WAY more points than I needed.

I enjoyed every single bite as it went down. Soft, creamy risotto rice and sweet explosions of delicious seafood.

I sat there afterwards, my belly stuffed, and felt a tiny bit less miserable and pleased that I'd not gone and done something that would totally torpedo all I've done so far.

It's the only thing that's stopped me from attaching a nosebag to my face and medicating myself into numbness with food. I've come so far, I don't want to go back again.

What do you know, maybe nothing tastes as good as being thinner feels.


ladymisstree | 04:36 PM | Take a bite (2)

28 July 2004
:: Week 24 - Not dead, just buried ::

Back to the little losses again, just .2kg (.4lb) but it makes the total lost a nice round 14kg (30.8lb). Quite satisfying when you look at it like that.

But there is a reason why I've been so quiet and it's completely the wrong reason to be quiet. And it's led me to the sort of place I'd only read about in sensationalist magazines.

Just a quick bit of background. I'm an IT consultant who runs her own business. Things have been very quiet of late. Too quiet. In fact, I've not done any chargeable work since the middle of June.

Understandably, I'm a bit of a mess at the moment. I'm depressed about not working, I'm anxious about money, I'm scared about feeling helpless.

And despite my great loss last week, the fact that I'm fitting into a bunch of different clothes and a whole lot of other good stuff that's happened, my motivation has plummeted.

I made chocolate brownie cake for my mum's birthday two weeks ago. I had a small piece and gave most of the leftovers away. My husband threw the rest in the bin.

Late that week, it was all I could do not to dig through the rubbish and get the cake. And eat it.

I've only read about things like that in magazine articles and tell-all autobiographies. I never thought I would be the sort of person to even contemplate it.

I didn't get the cake out of the bin. I didn't sink that far, but that's how low I'm feeling right now.

It's hard to admit. It's harder to blog about. I hate feeling this way.

Most of my lack of motivation is manifesting itself as slothing about in my track pants watching bad daytime television. Despite my intellect telling me that exercise will give me the endorphins I need to help feel better, it's all I can do to drag myself out of bed.

I feel like rubbish, but I've promised myself I'll get my exercise done this week. I managed to work out yesterday and today, even going for a walk in the pouring rain.

The exercise won't be enough to dig me out of the hole, but it stops me from digging it any deeper.


ladymisstree | 08:15 PM | Take a bite (2)

19 July 2004
:: Week 23 - At last, my loss has come along ::

Finally, a big loss! A whole kilo (2.2lbs) this week. Very gratifying. It's something I've needed. I don't mind the little losses week after week, but you need the odd decent loss to feel like you're making some progress.

Of course, I'm just grateful to still be losing and to not hit a plateau.

All good news, but the weekend proved I'm a long way from managing my relationship with food.

I'd volunteered to cook lunch for the family to help celebrate my mum's 60th birthday. I'd selected a couple of recipes out of delicious. that seemed simple and, well, delicious. I'd made the decision ahead of time that I would not count points, I'd simply enjoy the meal and the company.

It started Saturday night. I decided to cook her birthday cake the night before as our oven can be somewhat tempermental. It was chocolate brownie cake served with chocolate and caramel sauce, ice cream and sugar shards (I told you I wasn't counting points!).

The oven was appalling (a 35 minute cooking time blew out to 1hr and 25 minutes), so the cake sank in the middle. I'd not bought enough chocolate to make the chocolate sauce. The recipe for the caramel sauce produced something khaki coloured and pretty ordinary tasting. When I picked up the sheet of toffee to make the sugar shards it shattered in my hands all over the floor. The springform cake pan had rusted shut and I sliced one thumb trying to get the cake out with a butter knife. Finally, I sliced the other thumb trying to cut the bottom off the cake when the paper lining the bottom of the pan refused to peel off cleanly.

Now, this sort of thing would be enough to piss anyone off. Me? I lost it completely, I was in tears. Not from frustration, but because food still equals love to me and if my cake wasn't perfect, then my family would not believe I loved them enough.

Nevermind the fact that it WAS delicious and they loved it and took home seconds, at that moment, I was not showing enough love because my cake wasn't perfect.

And all the while I was eating cake batter or chocolate chips or the caramel sauce to try to calm myself down.

How fucked up is that?

I feel like I'm such a long way away from separating food from the way I express my emotions. I know it's central to my successfully achieving my goals and maintaining them.

At least I can identify what I'm doing, after I've done it, but being able to take the step to stop myself before I do it feels so far away.

So, what is your relationship with food like and do you use it emotionally?


ladymisstree | 10:28 PM | Take a bite (3)

14 July 2004
:: Week 22 - A rewarding experience ::

Another little .3kg (.7lbs) loss this week. I keep saying that a little loss is better than no loss at all, but it's starting to get pretty tedious.

The girl at weigh-in on Monday night smiled encouragingly and said, "Good for you! You come in every week and chip away at it!" She's right, but I could do without feeling like a beaver trying to nibble away at a redwood.

The body fat percentage dropped by 1.1%, which was gratifying and I'm hoping that when I measure myself on Friday, the tape measure will have reassuring things to say too. Hell, it has to otherwise I wouldn't fit into those old jeans of mine!

There's a thread running on PDTD about how we reward ourselves for losing weight.

I'm big on rewards. Hell, if I hadn't kept rewarding myself with food, I wouldn't even be here. But I respond well to praise, feedback and rewards.

It's something we don't do often enough. Here we are, trying to learn new behaviours, to modify ourselves in ways that are often difficult and uncomfortable, and yet many of us don't reward ourselves for the effort.

If it's an absolute trial to get up in the morning and go for a walk, then reward yourself when you do. It doesn't have to be something big, buy yourself a flower, take a bubble bath with the phone off the hook, go and sample some new perfume. But do something to say, "Go me!" Reward yourself for good behaviour and chances are, you'll keep doing it. After all, rewarding ourselves with food seems to be enormously successful.

I've added a reward to my Goals list.

It's kind of big.

I've decided that around the halfway mark, I've earned an iPod. I decided that not only will 15-17.5kg (33-38.5lbs) be the most weight I've ever lost in any one attempt, but having it will make walking even more enjoyable, which will encourage me to walk even more.

It's a big reward. Bigger than the reward I've got planned for goal. But 22 weeks in and with only tiny amounts of weight coming off, I need something else to aim for. At the rate I'm losing at the moment, it won't be for another 10 weeks or something. But I think I'm worth it.


ladymisstree | 05:25 PM | Take a bite (1)

06 July 2004
:: Week 21 - A weighty conundrum ::

Good news this week, just a little loss again, but a loss is better than a gain! Down another .2kg (.4 lb). Would like a more substantial loss, but as long as I'm losing, I'm not complaining.

Also, I'm patting myself on the head for achieving something else. This is the most weight I've ever lost with Weight Watchers. This is my third attempt. On my first, I wasn't really into it and only lost about 5-6kg (11-13lbs) before I gave it all away. The second time I dropped 11.1kg (24.4lbs). So I'm already ahead of the game, and I'm not even halfway there!

Which brings me to my conundrum.

I don't know what my goal weight really is.

I've got 65kg (143lbs) up there, because that's what Weight Watchers recommends and it's the upper limit of the BMI for my height.

But then I bought a set of body fat scales on the weekend. I measured my body fat percentage and did a little math. While I'm not entirely sure on the numbers, it sounds like that 65kg would mean that I'm going to be below 25% body fat, which is the lowest end of the healthy scale. A friend, Shane, who lifts weights and knows about this sort of stuff, advised somewhere between 66kg and 72kg. My original goal was 70kg.

I'm a solid girl. I always have been. I'm also lifting weights, so I'm beginning to think that 65kg is not a good goal for me.

At my lowest weight (which I never recorded) I looked like a Chupa Chup. I was all head with a little stick-figure body. Not attractive. I don't want to go back there again. I want to look sleek and healthy and rounded. I want hips and boobs and a little tummy. I want a womanly figure and I'm not interested in being 'cut' or defined.

Now, I could just blunder along until I hit a size that appealed to me and just stop, but I rather like having a goal to work to. If 65kg is going to turn me into a stick figure, I don't want to use that as a goal.

Can anyone offer any advice?

I'll also be posting this to the PDTD forums, so apologies to anyone who reads both.


ladymisstree | 12:08 AM | Take a bite (4)

30 June 2004
:: Week 20 - Food Porn ::

Just a teeny loss this week, .1kg (.2lbs), but any loss is better than no loss (or a gain!)

But I want to speak about something much closer to my heart this time around.

Food.

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I mean, clearly food is close to my heart, otherwise I wouldn't have a weightloss blog! But it's something I'm deeply passionate about. I'm a double Taurus, so I'm absolutely passionate about it.

It's the reason I subscribe to delicious. I can hear the gasps from here. How can she expect to lose weight if she's reading things like that? (And you should have seen the April cover with it's chocoholic's muffin with slices of Mars Bar glued to the top with melted chocolate.) But you're looking at it from the wrong angle. There's no way I can expect to lose weight unless I'm reading things like that.

Losing the Cow describes the situation I'm in perfectly. Non-fat cheese does taste like ass (or arse if you're from around here). Most low- or non-fat or artificially sweetened things taste like complete arse, as far as I'm concerned. You can protest all you like. You can claim that low-fat product x tastes JUST LIKE the real thing, but sweetie, all I can taste is the horrible chemicals they used to make it.

They're just plain nasty.

Now, I can eat Lean Cuisines and lose weight. But I won't be happy about it. Worse, when I hit goal, I'll ditch them and start eating real food again and gain everything I've lost, plus a little extra.

So I'm teaching myself how to eat what I love in quantities that allow me to lose weight.

This is for life. I need to learn how to eat so that I can maintain this for the rest of my life. Low-fat just ain't going to cut it.

Losing the Cow was dead right, I don't want low-fat food, I want low-volume food.

I'd rather eat one full-fat, full-sugar chocolate chip cookie once a month than all the sugar-free, fat-free, nasty cookies I want. I'd rather have a shaving of real parmesan on my pasta than a handful of low-fat cheese.

So I read food porn like delicious. (for the articles, of course!) That way I can expand my repertoire in the kitchen. I can understand food better and learn more recipes that are delicious and good for me and involve no artificial anything. Just good fresh food prepared well.

So give me real food. Give me food porn (and yes some of the pages are stuck together) and give me a way of eating that will keep me healthy and happy for the rest of my life.


ladymisstree | 10:12 PM | Take a bite (5)

22 June 2004
:: Week 19 - Huh? ::

Why yes, I would like a little cheese with that whine. Thanks to Amanda and Kimba for pulling my head out of my arse and showing me the light.

You can't make this all about the numbers. It's doomed to failure.

I know this intellectually. But, in my praise whore of a heart, I want validation from smaller numbers on the scale and the measuring tape.

I need to learn that getting up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing is equally valid. So is a smaller pair of jeans. So is getting up and walking every day or doing weights or pilates or whatever takes my fancy because I enjoy moving my body more.

Also at the heart of this is a desire to understand how my body works and how it responds to different exercise and eating habits. Right now, I have less idea of what makes my body lose weight than when I began. But I guess if I keep doing what I'm doing, it will keep doing what it's doing.

Despite all of this and despite not losing any inches and despite eating poorly last week, I still dropped .5kg (1.1lbs) this week. Which is confusing but it's a loss and I'll take a loss with a handful of confusion over a gain and understanding any day!


ladymisstree | 04:56 PM | Take a bite (4)

14 June 2004
:: Week 18 - Potens Sui ::

I need to buy a lottery ticket. I lost .2kg (.4lbs) despite a week that included eating an entire small pizza (plus a slice of my boy's pizza) in one sitting plus beer, chocolate, SmartFood, a large bucket of movie popcorn and chocolate chip cookies.

Ironically enough, my high school's Latin motto was 'Potens Sui'.

It means 'self-control'.

Oh, how it makes me laugh...

That no-fail environment shit is the way to go, I'm telling you.

Because if I have crap in the house, I'm going to inhale it.

Admittedly, I exercised well all this week (half hour walk every day plus half an hour of resistance/weight work three times a week), ate good breakfasts and mainly had vegie soup for lunch.

But while I intended the Mint Slices and Tim Tams and other assorted rubbish for my boy and his visiting friend, deep down I knew I'd be shlorking them down as well.

I don't want to deprive them, but I just can't keep my hands out of the stuff if it's around. I have no self-control.

That's not entirely true, I have selective self-control. I can be good if I really, really want to, but a lot of the time, given the choice between 100gms on the scales and a chocolate biscuit, I'm going to take the biscuit.

That old saw 'nothing tastes as good as being slim feels' is just BS. Some days nothing tastes as good as what I want in my mouth right now.


ladymisstree | 07:21 PM | Take a bite (5)

07 June 2004
:: Week 17 ::

Another .6kg (1.3lbs) peeled off this week. But I'm not holding out any hope for the next two weeks. We have a houseguest from overseas and, in my usual inimitable style, I had to go crazy to make them feel welcome.

Of course, for me, food equals love, so our fridge is groaning and I've gone and baked 5 dozen chocolate chip cookies. And on top of all of that, a friend has sent a care package from the US with my favourite snack of all time (perhaps even more favourite-er than Doritos), SmartFood. Arrrrgh!

So I don't think my weight stands a chance. I've tried to be good and I've already packaged the SmartFood into portions, so I can only eat a portion at a time, and not inhale a whole packet, like I usually do.

But the disappointing thing for me is to see that my old habits have not died hard. They've not died at all. I had to bake and overstuff the cupboards with food to tell someone, "Welcome to my home." (I'm sure Shane is feeling VERY welcome indeed!)

I'll do my best to make good choices and try to get plenty of exercise. The benefit of guests means plenty of chances for exercise showing them around town.

Thank you all for your comments on my previous, slightly deranged sounding post. I think Lee had it 100% right. That hot chocolate could be 100% Lindt Balls or Godiva chocolate melted straight into my mug and it will not taste as good as what I've imagined in my head. Nothing possibly could. So I won't give in, I'll just have the odd skinny chai latte to keep myself from going completely berserk.

Now I just have to keep my hand out of the damn cookie jar...


ladymisstree | 07:23 PM | Take a bite (4)

02 June 2004
:: Week 16 - Hear That Sound? ::

That would be the sound of the bullet I just dodged.

After what I ate on the weekend, to actually lose weight would require the sort of bullet-dodging not seen since Keanu, whoa, learned kung fu.

Well, it wasn't so much what I ate as what I drank. Weight Watchers always warns you about the empty calories in alcohol. But it's not the empty calories IN alcohol you need to be worried about...

It's the empty calories you tend to inhale WITH the alcohol that is usually the problem.

Saturday was a friend's wedding reception. In addition to the day's worth of points I stuffed into my face for lunch, I also consumed enough points-worth of alcohol to fuel a starving, third-world nation.

It was this alcohol that lead me to believe that I was entitled, nay, I DESERVED Maccy D's on the way home from the wedding. So I shlorked down another day's worth of crap. At least I was sufficiently sober to order the 6.5 point Fillet-O-Fish rather than the 11.5 point Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

It's the same when I go down the pub. I order my pint. I order another one. Ooooh, wouldn't some garlic pizza go down nicely with that pint? Or maybe some of those nice chippies with the sour cream/sweet chilli dipping sauce. And then there's another pint. And another. And several more and I think we need another of those garlic pizzas, what do you think? And somewhere between that pint and the rest, I become convinced that if I don't get a greasy souvlaki, a bucket of popcorn chicken or Baskin Robbins Cookie Dough ice cream, then some sort of Geneva Convention is being breached.

Yes, I am that girl who has fallen asleep with half a Whopper in her hand after a big night out. And you do NOT want to know where the pickle gets to. Yes, Vegemite on toast in obscene quantities makes perfect sense at 3am when you're trolleyed.

So I think WW needs to review their position. The empty calories in alcohol are the LEAST of your worries.


ladymisstree | 12:10 AM | Take a bite (3)

30 May 2004
:: Miserable Sodding Bastards... ::

That would be my ISP. They messed around with PERL a couple of weekends ago, promptly corrupting my Movable Type database and leaving me unable to update. I've had to rebuild from scratch and I've lost everyone's lovely comments.

And after it took me 8kg (17.6lb) to get MT up and running in the first place...

Bastards!

But here I am. And I have some news.

Have a look to the right there. Notice something different?

I hit a couple of goals while I was gone.

I've lost over 10kg (22lb).

I've lost 10% of my starting weight.

I'm under 200lbs.

And, if I try really, really hard, I just might be an 80s girl after tomorrow night's weigh in. But after the wedding I went to on Saturday, I might be 1 slice of creme caramel tart away from that little goal.

Wish me luck!


ladymisstree | 11:15 PM | Take a bite (1)

18 May 2004
:: Scale Whore ::

Good news this week. Another .9kg (1.9lb) gone. I'd dropped 1.8kg (3.9lb) two weeks ago while I had a virus. Then I'd put 1kg (2.2lb) back on last week. Now it appears I've lost most of that again. Hoorah!

Unfortunately, my WW leader has some virus thing this week and so we got a substitute leader. Which brings me to a very important point. Ladies, I respect that you have lost weight and have maintained it for x years. However, this does NOT qualify you as a public speaker...

I know what I'm talking about. I am a public speaker. I have presented all over Australia and in the US. I'm a fully qualified trainer as well. I know what makes a good presenter. And I know what makes a shocking presenter.

Unfortunately, the only qualification you seem to need to be a WW leader is the ability to maintain your weight loss. When leaders are good, they are very, very good. When they are bad, they are positively toxic.

Today's substitute was a batty old thing who did not have her notes prepared and waffled on and on, repeating herself and offering nothing new to the group. I respect that it is intimidating presenting in front of a new group, but still, scout motto--BE PREPARED.

Being prepared does not mean printing off a couple of pages, sticking them on the wall and reading from them. We, the audience, can read them just fine. We don't need you to read them for us. Give us some insight. Teach us something new. Inspire us.

Sound like a big ask? I don't think so. Think about what these women are really trying to do. They are trying to inspire huge changes in your lifestyle. They are trying to motivate you to change the way you think. This is not for the faint-hearted or the poorly prepared. This is an important job and needs to be taken seriously.

My regular leader, Katherine, is an utter goddess. You don't hear her spouting arrant nonsense such as 'muscle weighs more than fat'. She studies. She researches. She knows her stuff. If she doesn't know the answer, she doesn't flutter nervously, fob you off and move onto the next bullet point. She promises to find out for you. And next week, she tells you.

She's smart, she's savvy and she doesn't toe the political line. She'll happily bag the Weight Watcher's products she didn't like or didn't find useful.

Better yet, she's a foodie. She understands my need to not eat the shitty Weight Watcher's chocolate bars, that I would rather save myself for something worth eating, like a Lindt ball. Her husband is French and she knows her way around a kitchen.

I've been to many different meetings and I've seen many different leader styles. It is a personal thing, of course, but it would be so much easier if these women were formally trained and qualified to do what it is they are trying to do.

You wouldn't ask medical advice from a stranger who'd just gotten over a cold, would you?


ladymisstree | 12:18 AM | Take a bite (0)