Heh.
I bet you weren't expecting a title like that.
But as every pop-psychologist worth their syndication rights would say, we only do these things to ourselves because we get some sort of benefit from it, however twisted that benefit may be.
I like being fat because it's easier to blame everything on my weight than it is to take responsibility and face up to my emotions.
You know the sort of thinking I mean.
"Oh, I'd be so much more [insert desired state here] if only I wasn't so fat!"
"Everything would be so much [insert desired state here] if I could just lose weight!"
I'm here to tell you, I lost a lot of weight and nothing changed. Well, it was easier to buy clothes, but I was still me with all my emotional denial in an albeit slimmer body.
Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't expecting miracles when I got slimmer, but what I hadn't counted on is how much I was using my fat as literal insulation from the world around me. It was protecting me from having to take responsibility for my feelings.
When I lost weight, that protection was gone.
I was literally naked in the world.
And I couldn't cope.
Being fat stopped me from having to feel things too much. I could suppress my feelings with food and deny all the pain and heartache that came with them. I shovelled packets of biscuits, chocolate, chips, take aways, you name it, down my throat so that I didn't have to feel.
Anxiety? Nothing a packet of Shortbread Creams can't fix!
Sadness? Ooooh, seafood pizza with that lovely oily garlic sauce will take care of that pesky emotion!
Fear? Doritos coming to the rescue!
Fat was just the price I had to pay for denying it all. And, for a little while at least, it was worth it.
Being slim was nice and all, but not if it meant I had to feel. Nothing tastes as good as being slim feels? BULLSHIT.
These days, I totally understand addicts and people who self harm. Anything, anything at all to stop the hurt. Physical hurt? That's a piece of cake (literally). Emotional hurt? Please, bring on the physical pain. That I can cope with.
But now I've come to a point where the fat and the food isn't helping so much anymore (not that it really did anyway). I've come to a place where I'm not afraid of hurting anymore.
Hurting is OK.
We all do it.
And it ends.
That is what I was most afraid of. If I didn't squash it down, it would just keep flowing through me, a never-ending river of emotional pain.
Hurt ends. And we survive. It's OK to be sad. It's OK to be afraid. I don't need to react angrily to it all and cram food into my face. I can just be with it and feel it and ask the people around me to support me while it's happening.
I don't need to be alone, sheltered from the world in my fat suit.
I'm still learning this. I know there will be days where I will self-medicate with food. It's an old coping mechanism for me and to think that I can abandon it completely is foolishness. But I'm getting better at recognising what I'm doing and, instead of denying it all, digging to the root of my feelings, even as I'm scoffing chocolate.
Who knows, maybe I'll even stop before I finish the whole bar.
Irony is a mailout from Weight Watchers arriving in my letter box a day after I start blogging here again. But the good news is that this is day two of sensible eating and water consumption. Go me!
I find something about myself in almost everything you write.
Gosh, if it wasn't for DietGirl mentioning you in her end of year post, I would never have known you were back. Sounds like you and I are walking similar paths, i am trying to do a "feel my [goddam]feelings" type of thing, and focus on the getting the compulsive eating behaviors inline rather than endless weigh ins and counting...best of luck to you, Tree, I can't wait to hear more!
Go You Indeed!!!
You can do this babe :)
I love your posts....until they came back I forgot just how much.
You dont' dribble on with the days drama's like other bloggers do (myself included)....you get to the heart of this journey we all travel.
*hugs*
And thanks for the lovely comments in my guestbook too. *blush*
Welcome back girl!
We are with you all the way.
Cheers P
Yayyy, she's back!! Your blog was always one of my faves and I'm so glad - for both you and the rest of us - that you've come out of hiding.
I also got here via DG's post, and discovering that Callipygian is once more an active blog is the best moment of 2006 :-)
Ok, 2006 is not that old, but still, good to have you back. Hang in there!
Thanks for posting this - it's given me a lot to think about.
I'm glad you're back, I've missed your posts too (much like everyone else!)
I was thinking about this the other day how we need to accept ourselves as we are instead of thinking getting thin will fix all the problems. I get caught up on saying "when I'm thin... " it's so sad and thank you for shedding some light from someone who's been there.
Awesome@ day 2 of good eating and water.
You so sounded like my therapist! You are so right.We always gain something by sticking to whatever behaviour hurts us at the end. And we also avoid something.
wow. Thanks. I have a lot of work to do... Tonight I finally found the internet weightloss bloggers and wish I could hug you all.
thanks for your honesty- and the kick in the pants that I have big time work to do too.
You're right. Our lives ARE interchangeable.
Right down to the 'rejoin WW' card arriving the day I started blogging again. [Where the hell did they get my new address???]
The thing that I SO hear you on is that losing almost a third of my body weight didn't make me feel better either. I was still anxious, still hurting - and without the fat suit, even more vulnerable than before. And feeling angry and let down too - after all that hard work to lose it, WHY didn't I feel better? WHY was I still hurting?
Now I know better.
We'll get there though! You aren't alone.
Hey tree, glad you're back posting! This post made me realise that I too have been hiding behind my fat - I'm about 15kg from goal and I keep thinking (about ex-boyfriends and future boyfriends) "I wont be rejected anymore when I'm slim - I'll be loved and desired when I'm slim - the only reason he broke up with me was because I'm fat - I'll have the confidence to meet new people when I'm slim"... and so on! Geeeeeeez, I'm scared now. If that's not true, what the hell am I gonna do with myself?!
You are never alone!!! You have us :) I really love your site btw, I just found it!! Adding you to my blog as we speak!
You're my hero, Tree.
Those WW buggers sent me a note too - if it said, hey, we've sacked all those uninspiring leaders who think it's all about food and clothes, and replaced them with inspiring people who have struggled through real life, THEN I'd go back. Grrr
that's very zen-like but much harder to do! Good luck on your realizations and actions.
Gosh I have really missed your posts! It's really good to have you back.
Well done on day 2 of eating well and drinking water. Im trying to work on drinking lots of water too. I think I drank about 2 lt today and yesterday, it's so hot here so it hasn't been that hard for me I guess :o)
You will get the emotional eating sorted, just keep on with what you are doing.
I realise it's more complicated than my comment suggests, but you can do it!
Served up by LMS at 09:38 on 03|01|06