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That would be my ISP. They messed around with PERL a couple of weekends ago, promptly corrupting my Movable Type database and leaving me unable to update. I've had to rebuild from scratch and I've lost everyone's lovely comments.

And after it took me 8kg (17.6lb) to get MT up and running in the first place...

Bastards!

But here I am. And I have some news.

Have a look to the right there. Notice something different?

I hit a couple of goals while I was gone.

I've lost over 10kg (22lb).

I've lost 10% of my starting weight.

I'm under 200lbs.

And, if I try really, really hard, I just might be an 80s girl after tomorrow night's weigh in. But after the wedding I went to on Saturday, I might be 1 slice of creme caramel tart away from that little goal.

Wish me luck!

OK, now that I have that cheesy bit of 70s fluff playing on head radio, where was I?

Oh yeah.

Right back where I started from.

Bugger.

This is my third attempt at Weight Watchers. Not that there's anything wrong with the program. The problem was me not adjusting to what is essentially a new way of life.

I treated it as a diet. That I could go off it and be OK. My first attempt, I began at 95-ish kg (209lb). But I didn't track, I didn't exercise enough and I wasn't really too concerned about what I was eating.

The second time I started at 91.2kg (201lb). Just .1kg over where I am right now. And I got all the way down to 80kg (176lb) and then stuff happened that knocked me right back into my old eating patterns. An extra 20kg (44lb) worth of old eating patterns.

It's taken me 14 weeks to get right back to where I started from.

To say this is disheartening is an understatement. I'm doing well at this. I'm following the plan and working harder to understand what makes my body tick so that I can be a better caretaker of it. But to have worked for three months just to get back to where I was 2 years ago is a little disappointing.

Of course, I'm looking at this the wrong way. I need to not focus on the past, I need to focus on where I am now and where I'm going. I need to focus on my achievement so far. I'm losing, I'm looking better and I'm feeling better for it. But that little (hormonal) voice inside my head keeps whispering.

Excuse me, I have a little voice to hunt down.

Good news this week. Another .9kg (1.9lb) gone. I'd dropped 1.8kg (3.9lb) two weeks ago while I had a virus. Then I'd put 1kg (2.2lb) back on last week. Now it appears I've lost most of that again. Hoorah!

Unfortunately, my WW leader has some virus thing this week and so we got a substitute leader. Which brings me to a very important point. Ladies, I respect that you have lost weight and have maintained it for x years. However, this does NOT qualify you as a public speaker...

I know what I'm talking about. I am a public speaker. I have presented all over Australia and in the US. I'm a fully qualified trainer as well. I know what makes a good presenter. And I know what makes a shocking presenter.

Unfortunately, the only qualification you seem to need to be a WW leader is the ability to maintain your weight loss. When leaders are good, they are very, very good. When they are bad, they are positively toxic.

Today's substitute was a batty old thing who did not have her notes prepared and waffled on and on, repeating herself and offering nothing new to the group. I respect that it is intimidating presenting in front of a new group, but still, scout motto--BE PREPARED.

Being prepared does not mean printing off a couple of pages, sticking them on the wall and reading from them. We, the audience, can read them just fine. We don't need you to read them for us. Give us some insight. Teach us something new. Inspire us.

Sound like a big ask? I don't think so. Think about what these women are really trying to do. They are trying to inspire huge changes in your lifestyle. They are trying to motivate you to change the way you think. This is not for the faint-hearted or the poorly prepared. This is an important job and needs to be taken seriously.

My regular leader, Katherine, is an utter goddess. You don't hear her spouting arrant nonsense such as 'muscle weighs more than fat'. She studies. She researches. She knows her stuff. If she doesn't know the answer, she doesn't flutter nervously, fob you off and move onto the next bullet point. She promises to find out for you. And next week, she tells you.

She's smart, she's savvy and she doesn't toe the political line. She'll happily bag the Weight Watcher's products she didn't like or didn't find useful.

Better yet, she's a foodie. She understands my need to not eat the shitty Weight Watcher's chocolate bars, that I would rather save myself for something worth eating, like a Lindt ball. Her husband is French and she knows her way around a kitchen.

I've been to many different meetings and I've seen many different leader styles. It is a personal thing, of course, but it would be so much easier if these women were formally trained and qualified to do what it is they are trying to do.

You wouldn't ask medical advice from a stranger who'd just gotten over a cold, would you?

Well, even if the scales are unkind at weigh in today, at least I know I've peeled another 17cm (6.6") off my body, a total of 48cm (18.9"--which eerily parallels the exact number of pounds I've lost, cool!)

This would explain why my jeans now resemble clown pants...

Warning, this is a Weight Watcher's recipe, which are usually absolutely abysmal, and it's the ugliest thing you've ever seen, but it's scrummy.

3 points a serve, serves 4 and dead easy to make.

1 brown onion, finely chopped
1 tsp minced garlic
1 tsp ground coriander
1/2 tsp ground turmeric
1/2 tsp ground cumin
300gm (10.5 oz) red lentils
4.5 cups water
4 vegetable stock cubes
250gm (9oz) baby spinach, finely chopped

Spray the bottom of your stock pot with cooking spray. Heat it up then cook the onion and garlic until the onion is softened. Throw in the spices and inhale the divine aromas for a bit.

Stir in the lentils, water and stock. Bring it all to the boil, lower the heat to a simmer and forget about it for 25 minutes.

You can either process the soup until smooth now and then throw in the spinach and heat through, or throw it in first and process the lot until smooth. Either way is good.

You could serve it as is for 3 points or chuck in some grated cheese and serve with thick, crusty bread brushed with a little olive oil and grilled for a substantial dinner. Which is what I did. Yum.

Hoo boy, I know I wanted to get to the bottom of this whole emotional eating thing, but this is stretching things a little.

I'm hanging on by the proverbial fingertips, doing everything I can not to walk across the street to the store and buy every pack of Doritos on their shelves.

The subtitle says I'm not going to be bossed around by a cookie, nor will I be commandeered by an upstart Mexican snack food.

I'm a double Taurus (rising and sun signs). For anyone who has the slightest inkling about astrology, you will not be at all surprised that I'm fighting a weight problem or that I eat to calm myself. Right now, I'm between client cheques. A long way between client cheques. And the rent is due tomorrow.

For a double Taurus, this is akin to the sky falling on your head. And all I want to do is eat the problem into submission.

So says my lizard brain, anyway. The, albeit tiny, logical part of my brain reminds me that food will not help me pay the rent, in fact eating my body weight in corn chips will only serve to make me feel even more miserable. But 30-odd years of snacking when I'm down is hard to resist.

I did all the right things. I went for a walk, I distracted myself with other things, like house keeping and reading. I even made a pot of the ugliest fucking soup you've ever seen in all your born days (but it's bloody delicious and I'll post the recipe separately). But the stress nibbled at me and the snacky goodness called me.

I resisted. I resisted their call. I'm fighting to let that logical bit of my brain win out over my lizard brain, or my Dorito brain perhaps. Instead of soothing myself with their cheesy evil, I spoke to my boy about my stress and spoke kindly to myself. The sky is not falling. There is a way to pay the rent and we won't be thrown out onto the street to live in a refrigerator box in a garden somewhere.

The battle was won. But the war continues.

Sometimes, when you are trying to achieve something for yourself, it's worth writing down exactly what it is you're trying to achieve. And when things are looking really rotten and difficult and miserable, you can go back to that list and remind yourself of why you're putting yourself through it. Here's 100 reasons why I'm doing this.

1. To put on tights without a struggle.
2. To wear size 14 (US size 10) Levi 501s again.
3. To be able to wear a skirt without tights in summer.
4. To fit into the pretty clothes I used to wear.
5. To have more choice in clothes.
6. To be able to choose not to buy clothes because I don't like them rather than because they don't come in my size.
7. To wear pretty lingerie, not scaffolding.
8. To wear waisted shirts.
9. So the buttons on my shirts don't pull over my bust.
10. To buy smalls and mediums, not larges and extra larges.
11. To like my reflection at the hairdressers again.
12. To not have to lift my chin for photos.
13. To not have to wear styles that 'flatter' (read 'hide') my figure.
14. To never have to buy 'Fat Chicks R Us' brands.
15. To never have to buy extra tall tights when I'm only 5'4".
16. To wear spaghetti straps and tank tops.
17. To wear shorts and short skirts.
18. To wear low cut jeans without the muffin pan effect.
19. To have jackets fit over my shoulders comfortably.
20. To not have red lines over my body after wearing a bra or jeans.
21. To buy bathers with a minimum of fuss.
22. To be concerned with cut and colour and not fit.
23. To enjoy clothes shopping again.
24. To be able to buy clothes more easily.
25. To be proud of how my body looks.
26. To be healthier.
27. To be fit.
28. To lower my cholesterol levels.
29. To be stronger.
30. To be more flexible.
31. To be more disease resistant.
32. To eat food that is delicious and good for me.
33. To learn how to make good food choices.
34. To never have my inner thighs bleed from chafing again.
35. To never be limited by my weight.
36. To learn new ways of making my body feel good.
37. To try new things that will stretch my body further and harder.
38. To enjoy being physical again.
39. To get outside more often.
40. To feel physically accomplished.
41. To enjoy food as food and not as anything else.
42. To explore new foods and recipes.
43. To expand my favourite foods.
44. To learn how food affects my body.
45. To learn how exercise affects my body.
46. To understand portion control.
47. To be patient and let my body change as it needs to.
48. To not deprive myself of what I need.
49. To create a body I can comfortably live in for the rest of my life.
50. To be proud of what my body can do.
51. To feel more comfortable in my skin.
52. To never say to myself, "Good girl, have a cookie." again.
53. To stop being invisible to people.
54. To feel connected to my body again, not just live inside my head.
55. To understand that if hunger is not the question, then food is not the answer.
56. To be more disciplined.
57. To succeed.
58. To be motivated.
59. To be in control.
60. To feel confident in my ability to take care of myself.
61. To enjoy my body.
62. To enjoy exercising and using my body.
63. To never have to stress about my weight again.
64. To never have to focus on food again.
65. To exercise for pleasure, not necessity.
66. To eat because I'm hungry.
67. To enjoy food without guilt.
68. To not beat myself up if I make less appropriate food choices.
69. To forgive myself for slipping up and move on.
70. To understand that this is a life change.
71. To learn that my appearance does not dictate my personality or abilities.
72. To take ownership of my past and my future.
73. To be able to control what is in my control and let go of what is not.
74. To own my feelings and emotions.
75. To be proud of what I have changed and achieved.
76. To learn how to disconnect food from feelings.
77. To learn how to cope with stress without eating.
78. To learn how to stop masking my feelings with food.
79. To learn to eat because I am hungry.
80. To learn to say 'No.'
81. To not eat just because it is socially acceptable.
82. To not eat just because food is there.
83. To not eat just because I'm bored.
84. To learn how to manage cravings and understand what they really signal.
85. To learn how to listen to my emotions.
86. To learn how to cope with my emotions more effectively.
87. To learn that food is a pleasure, not a comfort.
88. To learn that food will not help me, it will just fuel me.
89. To learn to expand the way I think about managing my feelings.
90. To understand different ways of coping.
91. To forgive myself for my past coping mechanisms.
92. To learn from my past coping mechanisms.
93. To understand why I used food as a coping mechanism.
94. To learn how to fulfil myself and break old patterns.
95. To create new, healthier patterns.
96. To love myself, my appearance and my achievements.
97. To learn it's OK to be upset or angry or sad or frustrated.
98. To learn to let things run their course.
99. To learn it's OK to slip up, it's getting back on the horse that is important.
100. To never let a cookie tell me what to do.

Since I don't have a clear enough photo of my 'before' weight to show, I toddled off to My Virtual Model to come up with a 'before' and 'after' shot...

This is only a guesstimate, all care, no responsibility taken. Your mileage may vary. If symptoms persist, please see your doctor.