A tiny little gain this week, .1kg (.2lb). Almost not worth remarking on, considering that we had a family celebration yesterday and it's the week before TTOM, when I traditionally retain water.
But there may be something else behind it. And that something else may be responsible for a huge slow-down (or, gods forbid, stopping) of my progress.
This is difficult.
All the perky entries, all the perky comments?
Well, it's been a big, fat lie.
Not the content, that's all been genuine.
The perky.
For the last couple of months, I've been slowly spiralling down into a hole.
This is normal for me around Winter. I suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I'm used to being a bit blue during Winter. Then Spring hits and everything is fine again.
Not this year.
This year, the black dog kept following me around and despite receiving some wonderful news, being financially solvent and being in the best shape of my life, I was getting more and more depressed.
Not even my race day frock has given me any real joy.
This was more than the 'Winter Blues', this was serious.
But, being the sort of girl that I am, I couldn't let anyone know this was going on. You see, I didn't want to trouble anyone, I had to be there for other people. And I certainly couldn't admit to being depressed.
I know, I know, it's stupid, but that's how my crazy little head works.
So, before my husband killed me with his bare hands (believe me when I say there were days when I deserved it), I took myself off to the doctor and I'm currently on anti-depressants while I get myself sorted out with a therapist. And the most common side-effect of every single anti-depressant on the market? Weight gain.
I've spoken to my WW leader about it. She has many people in her groups who are trying to lose while taking SSRIs. She estimates about a third don't have any problems still losing, while about two thirds find their weight loss slows right down. I've got my fingers crossed I'm one of the third, but I'm preparing myself to be part of the two thirds.
If any of you out there are doing this while taking an SSRI, I'd love to hear about your experiences. If you want to remain anonymous (and believe me, I understand if you do), the 'Talk to me baby' link in the top right is an email link. Any help or advice you can offer would be most appreciated.
It was hard to admit to the doctors and it's hard to admit to you all. But I need to do it, because I'm starting to feel like a complete phony. If I can't be completely honest here, where can I be?
It's been a struggle to maintain my progress lately. Dragging myself out of bed to do pilates or weights or to leave the house to walk has been an effort that's almost been beyond me. The only thing that has kept me going is the burning desire not to be depressed AND fat. And I suspect the endorphins from the exercise have been keeping me functioning better than I should have been.
But, I'm hugely inspired by all of you and I wanted to give some shout-outs to a couple of you who've really helped me (unwittingly) through this.
Nicole & PL, I get your current experiences more than you'll ever know (and more than I'll ever reveal in my comments). I'm struggling to swim along with you both.
Kimba, your determination in the face of what must feel like impossible odds is a total inspiration to me. I'll be drawing on your strength and determination for the next couple of months. Monkeys make EVERYTHING better.
Beckie, you are a beacon, a light in the darkness. You make me laugh and I love your spirit. You bring sparkles and glamour and joi de vivre. Bring on the taboo!
Sarah, every now and again you'll post something, like your inner voice or about checking out your own arse and it's an absolute corker. I laughed out loud at the last one. SeXy indeed!
DG, I love the way you write and every one of your entries is a delight. Except for the most recent one with that damned Rococo chocolate. Sweet creamy Christ on a cracker, woman... I need me some of that rose milk chocolate, for medicinal purposes, of course!
And the rest of you, I devour your entries like a junkie on crack. You keep me tethered to my purpose and I owe you all hugely for it.
I will fight this and I'll keep at this whole weight loss gig. Hell, it's the one thing I have control over at the moment and I'm not going to let some happy pill derail me. So, for a while at least, it's better living through chemistry and a little head-shrinking. Wish me luck.
Oh wow. Ever since I found your blog I've admired you, and you've been a real inspiration to me, too. And your daily support from the comments you leave on my blog lifts me more than you could know.
You are so, SO not a phony. Maybe you had to keep this to yourself for a while while you figured out what to do, but it doesn't make you less real.
I'm so sad to hear that you've been going through hell. But I think you've definitely done the right thing in opening up to the doc and seeking a little help. And thank you for sharing this about yourself here on your blog. I know how hard that can be.
For what it's worth, I'm 100% here behind you as you work through this. And yes, monkeys DO make everything better!!! (insert cute monkey face here) Maybe I should get one tattooed on my arse HAHA. Big hugs from here.
(is that the longest comment ever, or what? :P)
ah my dear, be proud of yourself for coming forward. it gets easier! Now get yourself back to the doctors office and ask her to switch you onto Effexor. It is a wonderful miracle anit depressant that does not have the weight gain side effect....actually the opposite....ANOREXIA!!(of course that is the extreme and most people don't have this problem)But I lost some weight. I suspect it is because it also help obsessive compulsive...uh um...my addiction to food!!!
If you need to talk about it, or know that someone has been where you are and understands, you know where to find me.
ALSO, go get yourself some full spectrum light bulbs, they mimic outdoor light and do help.
xoxoxo
Effexor might be good, also my honey Zoloft. :) BUT Remember that taking SSRIs for depression is not like taking aspirin for a headache. the stuff takes time to work. How much? YMMV. Start a the lowest possible dosage and work your way up slooowly. that will give your bod time to adjust to the chemical changes without a lot of trauma.
Have been exactly where you are and you have all my sympathy. Keep exercising some every day because it does help. Can you eat seafood? the kind with the omega-3s? A liitle bit of salmon or such every other day also helps. (By a little bit, I mean a serving of 2-3oz.) Don't forget music to take you away. And long baths if you like that sort of thing.
A few years back had a Very Bad case of Major Depressive Disorder. I'd been avoiding meds for every reason there is. BIG mistake. When discussing SSRIs with the psychiatrist, i brought up the weight-loss issue. She told me that people who experience weight gain while on SSRIs tend to be people who have not been eating at all. That they have lost weight and unfortunately, that is all they feel they have to be proud of. So any gain at all to them is a major disaster. So they tend to focus on that, thus making a molehill of a problem into a mountain. Remember these people are still depressed as depression doesn't just vamoose with the first SSRI pill. And depressed people don't make good decisions because they/we often are not thinking straight. BTDT. :(
My own experience has been that Zoloft has made it MUCH easier to make good decisions for myself and follow through on them. My food choices are healthy ones now. (i no longer live on mac and cheese.) It is much easier to persuade myself to go out for a walk or to a movie or to an art exhibit or just go out. Small problems do grow huge inside my head.
Best of all, my creativity has come back!!! (VBG)
So, do what you need to do to take good care of yourself. You are so not a phoney!!!
I will wish you luck that you're in the 1/3 of people whose weight loss progress isn't affected. And in the event that you're in the other 2/3, I wish you much strength and courage to keep plowing on!
You've been a huge inspiration to me -- one of the handful of blogs that convince me it IS possible and that it's not easy for anyone, but that the results make it worth it. You're awesome -- you can get past this hill and go on to better things!
I echo the comments written above - you are such an inspiration to us all to keep on keeping on. I am so sad that you have been going through this, and so impressed that you have 'gone public'. I hope this will take a burden off you - we all love you exactly the way you are, so no need to tire yourself out being 'perky' if you don't feel like it. But you know what? There's no reason why this should sabotage your weight loss in the long term, becuase you have so many new behaviours that support your efforts. Things might slow down/stop in the short term while you deal with your depression, but that's gotta be done, and it IS only the short term. I've had a couple of Major Depressive episodes before, and if you get help, they pass. The hardest thing is to be kind to yourself. Make that your project. You're a wonderful person and this will end. You will still have your good habits, and the weight will come off.
Crikey, this got long, didn't it? Hugs and warm wishes to you. I'm free for coffees and walks along the Esplanade if you feel like some company on a Thurs or Fri.
Gosh, you know what. Your post just made me realize something. I'm on an SSRI (Lexapro). My struggle with my weight seems to make a lot more sense now. I hadn't even thought of that until now!
We'll do this. We will. We just need to keep writing and keep plugging along...day by day.
*grin*
Yup, I can't keep quiet.
I can't say anything that hasn't been said. I have fallen and couldn't get up for similar reasons. It isn't a flaw in your personality. Thanks for being strong.
Know this Tree. I adore you to bits. You have every bit of my squishy love and support on a bloody cracker!
So poppet, no fear. Be you.
huuuuuuuuuuuuuuug huuuug HUG, it's all been said so well above but will be thinking of you.
I think you can see from the number of comments here, that you are definitely not alone in having problems with depression. Add me to the ranks of those struggling with this disorder. I take Wellbutrin, which is not an SSRI, they dont really know HOW it works, actually... but it is supposed to be a problem for anorexics to take as well. Nonetheless, my weight loss has been very difficult. Keep plugging away, you're doing great and your blog is an inspiration!
hi!
As a psych nurse I just had to add my two cents and say you are of course doing the right thing.
As you already know the endorphins you produce from exercise will help lift your mood ... as will the knowledge that you are succeeding on this massive task of weight loss we all find ourselves in :)
You are in no way a phoney...and if anything now I know you are human like the rest of us (I had rather suspected you were part of a human super-race who kicked arse on the weight loss front with never a faulty step) *wink*
Your witty journal entries always brighten my mood and help me stay on track so use the journals you value to do the same for you.
Thanks for being honest and sharing the truth with us....a burdon shared is a burdon halved after all :)
Just take this one day at a time - baby steps and know that in seeking therapy (both pharmaceutical and psychological) you are doing the BEST thing you can :)
If you ever need to chat.....I'm here!
Cheers Paulene
http://paulenesjournaljourney.homestead.com/paulene.html
I know we spoke the other night... And I know its not easy... But never ever forget I'm a phone call away (and I live just down the road!). If you need to get away from it all and go for a chat (at your favourite, The Duck of course) just call. I'll drive!
:)
I won't wish you luck. I will wish you strength and courage, happiness, and the knowledge that having come so far, you certainly have the power to go further.
I have been where you are, though too lost in myself and everything else to seek professional help. It's the people like you, encouraging, inspiring, and bloody caring that (often unwittingly) pulled me out, helped me to realise the strength I possessed.
And before I write an entire entry in your comments, I just want to say that I'm here if you need me. I'm always willing to talk about my ass if it makes ya laugh! ;-)
Served up by sarah at 09:30 on 25|10|04