Sorry, Mr Lucas, I had to steal your movie subtitle because this girl needs all the hope she can get these days.
The black dog has been visiting again and I've been trying to hide from him under the doona and under Magnum ice creams - both surprisingly ineffective. This depression bullshit sucks giant donkey dick. I won't apologise for the language, it's how I feel about it right now.
Of course, depression = shocking eating habits = weight gain. This was only aggravated by my birthday last week, where I went out for meals no less than three times (so-so vegetarian, fabulous Spanish tapas and gorgeous Vietnamese). Only a .1kg (.2lb) gain, but my chances of being Slimmer of the Year are looking slimmer and slimmer.
So I went in search of my old mentor, Kathryn. I figured she would know just what to say to get me back on track.
Well, she would if she hadn't just left WW completely.
I was devastated. I tried to be very gung ho about it, but I realised just how much I was reliant on her when I found she wasn't there. Which just goes to show that I'm going to have to learn to rely on myself now. And you, my wise, wise readers.
And bloody hell, there are some wise, wise women out there in blogland. Right now, I'm looking at you DG, and don't you go hiding in the corner there Ms Kimba, I see you too.
These last couple of weeks have been really difficult for me. Despite wonderful things happening (my birthday and I was headhunted for a permanent job), I found myself burying myself and everything I was feeling under food.
Packets of biscuits, chips, chocolate, ice cream, you name it, I inhaled it.
Why? Feeling out of control again. Feeling scared about the new job, scared of change, scared that I might have made the wrong decision (no, the job is a good decision, I'm just second guessing myself). Scared that we might end up with money problems, that money is utterly out of my control.
That's what my brain says, anyway. Logically, I know we can budget, especially if I'm getting a monthly pay cheque, and steer clear of eating ramen noodles for the week before payday. Logically, I know there are things we can do. But if I was a logical woman, I wouldn't be self medicating with packets of shortbread creams, would I?
Of course, I felt bad afterwards for doing that. I recognised my behaviour, but felt frustrated that after over a year, I still am doing this. Then Kimba posted this and the heavens opened and the angels sang:
"But I freely acknowledge that emotional eating is something I'll never totally conquer, just something I have to try and control, as much as I can. C'est la vie."
I've been emotionally eating since I was seven, I'm clearly not logical if I think that is a behaviour that I will simply conquer. Like a smoker, or an alcoholic, all I can do is try and control it as much as I can. I will fall off the wagon, and I will just climb back on again and keep riding, a little wiser than the last time.
As for DG, this entry was a revelation to me. I wasn't the only one who felt this way! Crazed as it may seem to anyone who's ever had a weight problem, this makes perfect sense to me, it resonated so truly. If nothing else, this line sums up everything in my head right now
"My perception of my body and physical abilities has still not caught up with the reality. I still see myself as this enormous chick who should be applauded for making the effort to waddle to work or stand up the back at a gym class."
It's something I'm really feeling right now, particularly now that I'm giving up my business to work for someone else again. Dammit, I want someone to come up to me with a fuck-off big trophy and say, "Tree, you are the most outstanding woman of the year. Not only did you successfully run your own business, you lost 30-ish kg while you did it. We're all in awe of you and you should become supreme leader of the known universe."
Or something like that, I'm not picky.
I want to be acknowledged for what I've achieved. I guess it's why I wanted to go for the Slimmer of the Year, to be acknowledged for what I've achieved.
I know I won't make that now, which is a blow. And it's getting really weird now that I will be working with a group of people who never saw the 'before' Tree. I know that some days it will be all I can do not to get up in someone's face and say, "But dammit, I USED TO BE THE FAT CHICK! Admire me!"
Sweet skateboarding Christ, reading this back to myself, I sound like a complete loon.
But it's not all mental breakdowns and freak outs. There is some reason buried in there, deep amongst the angst and the bullshit and baggage. I know this, because this bit from Kimba spoke to me so deeply:
"And as much as I'm committed to losing the rest of my fat, some weeks there are just more important things to worry about than counting points or losing a few hundred grams. Life has gotta be lived too."
Word.
Perhaps there's hope for me after all.
Wow. First DG's post, then your post. People are being brutally honest and remarkably observant this week.
Would it be incredibly impertinent of me if I quoted you to you:
"don't beat yourself up if you fall off the wagon. It happens. Life happens. Habits do not die easily. We backslide, we slip up, we make mistakes. We are human" - LMT, Week 60
Grab wagon, re-board wagon. Ride into sunset.
And congratulations on the new job!
Tree, you are the most outstanding woman of the year. Not only did you successfully run your own business, you lost 30-ish kg while doing it. I personally am in awe of you and would be happy for you to be supreme ruler of the universe.
No, seriously. You are doing magnificently. You have achieved consistent weight loss while having a full and challenging life. Bravo!! Maybe you should buy yourself a trophy (the little trophy people are all callipygian!) and have it engraved - "2004-5 - I kicked arse!!" so you can wave it at the black dog.
Happy belated birthday and best wishes for the new job
How the fuck did I miss your birthday??? Sincere apologies, and belated many happies!!! And way to go on the new job.
As for everything else, yeah, I'm with ya. Life is a bit overwhelming at the moment and I can totally empathise with how you're feeling...
You know how much I admire you - and I'm not alone. Yes, I think you are one of the most magnificent women of the year, and you're also one of my biggest heroes. *smooch*
Girl...you are my champion journal read. You are my goal of success. You are my hero...Aww shucks :)
Honestly though I think you are bloody amazing and this is by far my favourite journal to read (sorry anyone else *blush*) You are so honest and this entry is no exception.
I totally get your desire for recognition. No one knows how hard this journey is unless they've done it themself and it's easy to forget that just because it consumes our every waking moment that not everyone else feels th same?? Dammit we deserve a big bright badge to say how much we've lost!! hehehe
Congrats on the new job!
So sorry I missed your birthday :( Sounds like it was a good one.
Perhaps your recent depression and eating blow-outs are related to your slimmer of the year quest?? Perhaps the pressure was too much?? After all if loosing a kilo a week, every week was that easy wouldn't we all be doing it???
This way you can enter it next year and not only be at goal but be able to say that you have maintained it for almost a year??
Glass half full or empty???
Hugs to ya babe!!
Cheers P
It is good to not be alone in this, and I just thank you for writing so honestly and from the hearat.
who gave that black dog a bone? damned dog.
huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggg
(and congrats on new job and belated bday wishes!)
well i have lost 22kg of fat, but not just that, i have really increased my fitness with regular exercise, not had a cola for months, taken my vitamins each day, spent money on vegies even if it meant not going out anywhere for some months, and i have to say only one person in 11 months has acually asked me if i have lost weight, and then it was just to tell me i might have lost the weight when i got sick with the flu. I would have liked a well done from my friends, but two friends were uncomfortable that i was loosing weight and have not wanted to see me, and then another friend has not been happy that i prefer evening walks to evening chats on teh phone,and does not want to join me for the walks. Sometimes change can be a lonely thing, where it might feel like we are a bit alone for a while. However just lately i too had some new bits of work, and i did a presentation,a nd handled some things that would have made me feel scared once. I can see a new me emerging. The lonely time is just the cocoon time, before the butterfly emerges. I hope you kick ass in your new job, and then you will see the new you in action. the new you is full of vitality and health, looks great, but also knows she can set and achieve goals, she can plan and achieve her dreams. The new you is magic. Picture yourself the magician and the magician needs nobody to tell them their dream is real, but when they implement the dream, people flock to see the beauty of this dream and stare in awe. You have done the inner work and now your work bears fruit. Kick ass being assertive in ordering a healthy lunch, kick ass when you dress in gorgeous clothes, kick ass when you have the guts to try a job or class or hobby or something that once you might not have been so able to do. You are a new person on the inside, and you have lifted yourself up there to be this person, soon you will be surrounded by others that in their own way, be it with weight, or with moving away from bad relationships or whatever have climbed their mountain to improve themselves. Look for those people around you, the reward will be when you connect with people on a deeper level and a higher level, and i really hope your work is a great stepping stone to this. Change is often a lonely process and there often seems to be no real signposts to say if it matters or not. Right now i may not get as high marks this semester in my studies because i am taking time to cook and sleep and loose fat. Someone asked me how i think i went on my last assignment, and i said fantastic because i am proud that i did a very nice assignmetn while also looking after myself and that i did not make myself sick for a HD this semester. I may or may not get a special mark, nobody will give me any mark for looking after myself. However that is why i am so proud of myself for working hard to be a balanced person. I can feel i am taking back my power, whereas before i was giving it away trying to keep everybody else happy and neglecting myself. i see you as going through the magician phase and you are finding your own power and creating something wonderful around you.
I missed your birthday too :-(
Happy happy belated birthday. I promise some special 'us' time when Im next in Melbourne.
I have no advice for you. Only love and respect.
*digs in pockets*
Oh, and this lint.
P.S. ever since you changed servers a few weeks ago, I can't see your posts properly either. The column on the right hangs over your entries.
Come back and talk to us, darling! I'm anxious to see how you're doing.
I am not able to read your writing because the list on the right side of the screan overlaps your journal entry. Is this something caused by my computer and if so do you by any chance know how to fix it? It traumatizes me that I can't read what you are writing!! I don't want to miss a word lol.
Served up by Stacey at 12:29 on 29|04|05