Ugh. So about that plan. The part with the sensible eating and the exercise.

Yeah, about that...

Last night was a complete, freaking disaster.

I was low. Really, really low. Subterranean low. Low beyond the reach of exercise, handfuls of St John's Wort and receiving a beautiful watercolour painting from a dear artist friend of mine after a lovely girly lunch.

I fought it all day. I tried to rationalise my way through it, that there was no reason to feel blue, no reason to feel so horrible.

And all I could think about was eating Doritos and Mint Slices.

It was like a cartoon in my head, little triangular bits of corn and cheese or little round chocolate biscuits dancing in my head, singing a siren's song of comfort. "Come and eat us! Come and eat us, Tree! We'll make you feel better! We'll make you feel goooood!"

Rationally, in my head, I knew eating that stuff would not make me feel good. It would fill my tummy, which would trigger that old, programmed-in sense of comfort, but it wouldn't last because logically I know it's not really making me feel better and it's not doing me any good health-wise.

My cravings laughed in the face of my logic and mocked my rationality.

I'm pretty sure it was hormonal. The timing is right.

I snacked on vegetables. I had a handful of sultanas and pine nuts to try and satisfy the sweet cravings and get some protein in me. I had dinner (delicious honey soy chicken skewers with stir fry Chinese vegetables and rice) to try and shut the cravings the hell up.

No dice.

So I let the cookies tell me what to do.

It doesn't help that we have a corner store across the road from us. So it's not even like I have to walk far to get this sort of junk. But across the street I went and bought a family pack of Doritos, a pack of Mint Slices and, just because they caught my eye as I prowled the store, a pack of Cherry Ripe Bites.

I didn't eat it all myself, my husband kindly helped, especially by eating most of the Mint Slices, but I still woofed down half a family pack of Doritos, four Mint Slices and all but four of the Cherry Ripe Bites.

Did it give me any comfort?

Hell no.

I just felt over-stuffed and sick afterwards.

I'm not going to beat myself up about this. Yes, it was a disasterous night of eating. But I learned an important lesson.

This stuff is NOT going to make me feel better, emotionally. It's going to make me feel ill. It's going to make me unhealthy. And it's going to make me unhappy.

I'm kind of glad I did it, just because I've not had a junk food binge like this since February, and I needed to learn the hard way that binge eating and eating junk just makes me feel sick now. The next time this happens, I can remember how upset my stomach was and how it hurt from being over-stuffed.

I'll remember and instead of eating, I'll call someone or run a bath or do something else to make myself feel cherished and special and better about whatever it is that's bringing me down.

It sounds so stupid saying this, but I didn't get to be over 100kg (221lb) by being smart about food. Doritos don't love me. Mint Slices don't care how I feel. Cherry Ripe Bites don't even have a shoulder for me to cry on.

Food will not help me. It will fuel me and that's it. I need to help myself and I need to let myself be vulnerable so that others can help me too.

All my life, it's been easier for food to be my friend than to be vulnerable in front of others. This is a hard habit to break. There are going to be stumbling blocks along the way. But I will learn and I will move on.

Still feeling blah this morning, but I've chatted to some friends and I'm about to do some pilates and take a walk. Today, I'm not going to let a cookie tell me what to do.