Happy New Year.
I'm back.
And this really is the hardest blog entry I've ever had to write.
Wow. Where to begin?
Well, as my previous entry, 7 months ago, hinted at, I had come to a realisation. A big, scary realisation.
For me, weight loss has very little to do with diet and exercise.
It's literally all in my head.
These last few months have been among the darkest I've ever experienced. I have had depression more profound than I realised was possible. I lost myself for a while there and it was easier to just disappear off the face of the earth than it was for me to remain connected.
Of course, in retrospect, that was the worst thing I could have done, but it was the only thing I could do at the time and I need to respect that.
I also need to respect what I did in those intervening months. As my therapist kindly pointed out to me, people going through what I did often turn to drugs, alcohol or self harm. At least I was only eating.
The good news is that therapy is proceeding well, I'm living the life of the chemically enhanced to help that, and I'm finally ready to start tackling the real reasons that I've gained weight. The real reason my 'friend' in the previous entry is doing the things that she's doing. The real reason I'm doing these things to myself.
I don't know if I'll be doing Weight Watcher's again. While the weekly discipline of the weigh-in was motivating in a way, I don't know if I'm ready to face that again yet. There's a lot of shame and self-hatred swimming around right now, and a well meaning comment from a weigh-in person could be enough to send me spiralling again.
Right now, it's just baby steps. This week is about water and remembering that a portion is not a steak the size of a toddler. That's all. No exercise unless I'm feeling particularly inspired. No salads, no low fat this or that. Just portion control and water.
And if I fuck up, that's OK. Just recognise that I did and move on.
I've missed you all. Viscerally. And I'm glad to be back. But I'm bruised and fragile and I'm not at all sure how this is going to pan out. I've gained half of what I originally lost and that hurts. My winter wardrobe is completely beyond my reach at the moment. My underwear no longer fits and the summer heat is so much more ghastly with an extra 15kg (33lb) on board.
I really don't like where I am physically right now, but that can't be my inspiration. I need to learn to love myself no matter what size I am and respect myself enough to take care of this body I inhabit. That's what will stabilise my weight. Not diets. Not exercise.
Self respect.
That is my key to being a healthy weight.
Although fat-free, anti-depressant corn chips would help too.
At least you still have your sense of humour, and that, with your beautiful courage and honest yet defiant vulnerability is what we love most about you.
Its good to have you back :)
Happy New Year to You!!!
You are right, unless we deal with our "friend" inside, there is really no chance to finish the battle and maintain the weight.
I know this so well, as I have regained once the 40 kilos I have lost twice. The second time I regained them though I put on 20 more, resulting in a 60 kilo gain in a bit more than a year.
Then I begun seeing a therapist!
This time for me is different. I have maintained the 40something I have lost for more than a year and am now trying to get rid of the rest.
I am here for you. I have always admired and respected you and today, I respect you more. It takes courage and you have it!Use me as you like :)
Oh for fat-free, antidepressant corn chips! *grin*
Good to see you back. I've missed you. A lot.
(HUG)
treeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
so glad you are writing again. and you are right about the All In The Head thing. We're all here for you in our wee virtual way and thinking good thoughts for ya :)
It is really good to see you back writing again. Of course I know the feeling of needing to hide away from it all. If you ever need anything from me, of course I'm here to give it. I'd also like some of those anti-depressant (fat buring?) corn chips.
I know how hard this entry was to write for you. I know, because I've been trying to decide if I could write a similar one myself. I've gained almost 10kg in the last 6 months. And it cuts me deep that I hate my body. The same body that a year ago I was so proud to have achieved.
I joined WW online yesterday (finally it's aviable in NZ), but I don't know where it will take me. Like you, I know what I need to do, but personally, I struggle to understand why I do not.
And oh, the water. I'd forgotten what it was like to pee all the day long! I'll take heart in the fact that I'm not alone! ;-)
Happy New Year Ladymisstree
So many people have missed you. Lovely that you are back on site.
I can relate to needing time alone when dealing with tough things, that is just what i tend to do. The soul searching can be a lot of work, but usually results in good things once one starts to move forward again.
It is very true that we all have issues that require time, insight and healing. They seem to surface when we go on these journeys of trying to improve ourselves. Your inner journey of healing in order to become healthy body, soul and spirit, is exciting and interesting to those who understand it is not just a simple energy in energy out equation. We will be very happy to learn from your tactics and approaches to healing on all levels. So please keep the posts coming along if you feel you'd like. Any insights you want to share are always appreciated.
Welcome back! I had a similar realization at one point in my journey and now consider the whole experience a step along the road. Now I know about how much emotions/depression, etc. weigh (literally) on me. Take it easy on yourself.
So happy to see you writing again. I have put on the 9 kilos I lost. Losing weight can be a long journey, and just when you thing you've gotta the hang of it BLAM! We go backwards. But the more we carry on the more we learn a bout ourselves, and why we overeat. We'll get there
take care, Eli
Welcome back Tree! I lurked on your site for a while last year and, thanks to DietGirl, know you're back. So I'll be back again too.
Cheers.
Welcome back, Lady MissTree! We missed you. I am glad you're in a place where you can reach out again. Thanks for coming back
WOW, fantastic blog, I know it must have been hard to come to terms with the home truths but hey now your on your way to a happier healthier you. Take each day as it comes and have fun doing it.
I'm so glad you're back. We're here for you.
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