You know you've lost weight when the old guy manning the counter at your local milk bar/corner store says, "You look like you lost a few kilos."
Yeah, just a couple.
I'm beginning to think that my Christmas plan is really not a good one. Somewhere along the way, my brain has gone from "Maintain 75kg all through December" to "EATING FRENZY! MUST EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT!"
It's as if by giving myself some leeway, my brain has interpreted this as the ability to go completely freaking nuts about food. Give it an inch and it's eating the entire buffet.
Part of it is weird body perception too. You see, while rationally I know I have shrunk, my body has shrunk in proportion. So my thighs and bum are still proportionally enormous compared to the rest of me. Some days, I see my heavy, pale, fleshy thighs or butt and I feel like nothing has changed.
Of course it has. In February if you had told me I would own and wear a pair of cargo pants in a size 14, I would have had you committed.
It's just that my brain hasn't caught up with all the changes, no matter how much I gaze into the mirror or stroke my collar bone or hip bones. I get this idea that nothing has changed and that makes it OK to schlork down anything that doesn't get out of my way quick enough.
Thinking about it, I have been going at this for nearly 10 months. The shine has worn off and this whole stupid perception thing is preventing me from always seeing the benefits of what I'm doing. So of course I'm jack of the whole thing.
But I can't let myself be. This isn't a diet, it's a lifestyle change and it's clear that I don't have that embedded in my head yet. I have to get it into my head that I have lost a significant amount of weight and that if I want to preserve that loss and lose more, this psycho eating has to stop.
The minute boredom kicks in, I'm prowling the kitchen like a hungry lioness, not for one moment thinking of all the other strategies that WW has given me for moments like these.
Fortunately, I've been fending off many of these munchies with carrots and cherry tomatoes, but I need to do more work to stop my brain thinking that inhaling gargantuan quantities of food is a good idea.
What I need to do is sort out this perception thing. Even when I was at my biggest, I never felt that I was that big inside. Now that I am smaller, I feel like a fat chick. What gives? How do I straighten this out in my brain?
I know what you mean about the "shine" wearing off. I started my journey almost six years ago. It truly has become a lifestyle change for me (eventually), but for the first few years I had a hard time coming to grips with it. That's why my progress has been so incredibly slow. Constant, but slow. I still eat enough food to choke a horse. I have an enormous appetite and I don't think that will ever change without surgery (which I will never have). The best way to beat the "EAT ALL THINGS, NOW NOW NOW" feeling is to surround yourself with food you can eat in vast quantities, and people who support you and love you. Pretty stupid advice, but it works for me :) In other news, keep up the good work, and remind yourself of how far you've come despite all the obstacles you've faced! And now if you'll excuse me, I actually have to head off to *my* Weight Watchers meeting... :)
When you find out, please let me know! I've always felt sexy regardless of my size, but I swear I'm WAY more critical of my appearance now than I've ever been! Sure, somedays I can't keep away from the mirror, but other day daya? Oy.
Good to see Im not the only one not seeing myself shrink.
I have no answers, just a fridge full of fruit.
Oh, actually I do have a suggestion... with working at home, do you deal with 'work issues' with eating/ thinking of eating? I would.
Set me straight here - I wonder if its an emotional trigger e.g. dont want to deal with work right now, hey, eating may take my mind of things? Just thinking of how my mind would work.
~If~ this is the case, then I'd suggest preparation. Have alternate things such as a jig saw puzzle or a fitness ball set up to distract you and help get you away from work.
Then again, it could be this ridiculous time of year.
I dont know. I have no answers. I am sorry :(
HOWEVER!! Your NaNoWriMo rocked! I was so pleased with the ending. SO PLEASED! I was worried that things would just end... but they didnt, we got closure. Yay for closure. But also, yay for leaving us some things to work out on our own... the whole how and why and all that stuff. Very satisfying :)
THANK YOU for a great read :)
In fact, maybe reading or writing more would be a way to avoid eating? Kinda like Our lady of Weight Loss makes artworks to combat her cravings..? Just a thought :)
As usual I have no answers either! But I can tell you that I know how you feel - especially the part about when you were at your biggest, you felt smaller inside, and now that you're smaller, you still feel like a fat chick. I guess only time and lots of positive thinking will help to erase years of messed-up self images.
And yeah I also know what you mean about giving yourself some 'leeway' and then responding by going crazy with food. I did that when I decided to stop counting points and weighing weekly. Obviously I haven't come far enough yet to give myself a mental 'break' without abusing it. The only way I can combat this is to maintain some discipline in my life, hence my Bootcamp at the moment. It works for me.
I have no answers either but as strange sense of familiarity!
When I was thin I thought I was fat...and somedays when fat I view myself as the thin me???? But mostly I just see myself as a big fat blob and I wonder how I'll ever change that.
If I thought I was fat and a huge heffer when I was a size 11 (and in the grips of what I now realise was an eating disorder)...will I ever be happy??
I don't know.
But I do intend to find out!
Thanks Lady for another thought provoking entry
:)
Cheers P
God when you know the answer to this, please tell me. I feel fatter than ever and I've lost 28.2kg, I felt so skinny when I was 109.3kg - A size 22 Ahhh.
Hi! I googled myself, and Praise Be! it looks like Mia mentioned me on your blog. Thanks to you and Mia. -- Love your blog. Beautifully done and I love the concept that a cookie is too smart to tell you what to do! I must remember that the next time one of those babies starts talking to me! - I permanently removed over 50 pounds almost 4 years ago. While I no longer feel like a blimp, my brain hasn't caught up with my size. (size 4!!!! from an 18! - I think I'm a 10 or 12.) It's a process and a lengthy one. If you or your readers are interested, I e-publish a FREE newsletter that's lots of fun. It's called the KICK in the TUSH Club.
It was nice to 'meet' you. I truly love your site, and the check recipe and serve it up below! How funny. Feed me baby, too. That's my approach. I'm not giving up food or food thoughts, I'm simply 'reframing' them to mean something else.
Deliciously yours,
Janice Taylor
Founder, Our Lady of Weight Loss
home of the KICK in the TUSH Club
Ooops sorry about that last post, meant to actually write something....
It sounds as though your evil self-sabotaging twin is sensing that you are really making progress and is trying to stuff you up. Resist! Listen to your head this time, listen to the mirror and your collarbones and your leg muscles and your grouse new cargoes. Listen to us! Between us we will defeat the the self who whispers "if I am successful something really bad will happen so I'd better fail". She's wrong. Don't listen to her. Keep at it.
Hugs
Served up by LBTEPA at 04:44 on 11|12|04